[Series opens outside Galaxy Hills Elementery School. Hank Mufflin is heard off-camera]
Hank: [offscreen] And lastly, there was a misprint on today's cafeteria menu. [We now see Mr. Mufflin] "Meat Larf" should read "Meat Lard."
Fanboy and Chum Chum: [alternating] Mr. Mufflin! Mr. Mufflin! Mr. Mufflin! Mr. Mufflin!
Mr. Mufflin: Yes, Purple...Kid?
Fanboy: Which juice box goes best with meat larf?
Chum Chum: Red or white grape?
Hank: If they hold these two back another year, I'm putting in for early retirement. [his assistant gives him an application] What's this? Oh, great. A new student. Well, where is he?
[Suddenly, the lights go out and smoke rises from the floor. A voice in somewhat of a british accent is heard. Hank tries to swat the smoke away]
Kyle: From beyond the veil of dispose... [emerges from the floor] ...comes one who is versed in ways of sorcerery; traveler of the mystical relms of necromancy. [F&C giggle] Please tremble, and give it up for...Kyle the Conjurer! [sets off fireworks]
[Cut to a medium close up of the British kid, whose name is Kyle( the Conjurer). He has his arms raised high like in the last shot. His face is pale and has a nice head of dark red hair in a shag. On his teeth are bright, silver braces that are shining in the light. He is wearing a striped shirt with dark-colored stripes and dark jeans to match. Around his neck is a long, black cape that stops just below his knees. His sneakers match his hair color. Kyle then bows his head and brings his arms down, then raises his head and bends his arms upward]
[The lights return to normal, and Kyle lets his fingers go. He holds this pose for a few more seconds, then hears some snoring off-camera. His pleased expression fades as he realizes that the class doesn't seem impressed, except F&C, who cheer]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Whoo-Hoo! Yeah! Yeah! Nice!
Kyle: I don't think everyone caught my enterance. Can I do that again?
Hank: Great Hank, another screwball. Where to put him? Why don't you take a seat next to...
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Ooh! Ooh! Mr. Mufflin! [Point to a desk next to them]
Hank: Those two.
Kyle: Those two?
[Fanboy and Chum Chum look at Kyle dreamly.]
Hank: Welcome to my world.
Kyle: Invitation declined.
Kyle: [Walks up to Chuggy's desk and makes his pencil float] Oh dear, you've lost your writing implement. Off you go. [Sends Chuggy's pencil flying]
Chris Chuggy: [Chasing his pencil] Wa, Wa, Wa, Wa.
Kyle: Ah! [Lifts up his cape and sits down] Front row, center.
[Just like in the last few scenes, we learn that Kyle, in fact, is a wizard. For a moment, Kyle is alone, then Fanboy inches his desk forward, then Chum Chum. Then, they both scoot their desks off camera while Kyle smirks. Then, F&C scoot their desks up to the sides of Kyle's desk to have a conversation with him for the very first time.]
Fanboy: So, a wizard, huh? Are you classically trained, or self-taught?
Kyle: Well, actually, I attended the prestigious Milkweed Academy for Wizards, until I was unfairly expelled for turning one of my professors into raspberry flan. Delicious old fool. [Licks lip] But one day, they will see the error of their ways, and I will return to assume my rightful place as the most powerful pre-teen wizard on the planet! [maniacal laughing that then stops with Fanboy and Chum Chum's laughs. They laugh and bang their heads on their desks, cracking up as to what they heard. They do not believe what Kyle said, thinking that he is pretending to be a wizard]
Fanboy: Oh man, we're gonna have so much fun together. Chum Chum and I love to play wizard.
Kyle: Okay, I'm not sure I made myself clear. I...am a real wizard.
Fanboy: Yeaaaah, we're real wizards, too. And when we play ninjas... [does a few karate poses] we are real ninjas. [Kyle glares at him] And when we play spacemen... [Breathes in deeply, and in robot voice] ...we are real spacemen! [normal voice] I think we're on the same page here.
Kyle: Umm, I'm not sure we are, because you are a play wizard. Whereas I am a real wizard. Are you hearing the difference?
Fanboy: [Oblivious as to what Kyle said] Okay, I heard the "play" part.
Kyle: I think we're done here. From this point on, don't even look at me; don't talk to me; don't even smell me. Good day! [Raises arms creating a dome of privacy, leaving F&C amused. They are starting to believe him.]
[In the dome, Kyle is humming when he hears a knock. He rolls down the window]
Chum Chum: Hey, can we play wizards in your dome?
[Kyle rolls the window back up]
Fanboy: Hey, is there a toilet in there?
Kyle: Dear Milkweed Academy, readmissions board -- [The lights flicker on and off. He looks and sees Chum Chum doing it] Oh, what now?
Chum Chum: Pow! Kapow! Behold, the mighty wizard...Wizboy!
[He picks up two erasers and bangs them together, creating chalk-dust. Fanboy, wearing a wizard's beard and traffic cone, opens the door and reveals himself. The scene then zooms to an extreme close-up of Fanboy's eyes. He has them closed at first, but he opens them and stares straight into the camera. Cut to Kyle, who looks on, disgusted. Back to the extreme close-up of Fanboy's eyes. We see them for one more second, then, the scene zooms out while Fanboy does a few poses with Chum Chum mimicking him. He runs over to Kyle's desk with Chum Chum in tow, and throws him onto the desk, who poses happily.]
Kyle: Grr! What are you doing?
Fanboy: I'm making my wizard's entrance. You want one too?
Kyle: I don't need your help. I am a wizard.
Fanboy: Yeah, we all are.
Chum Chum: Well, I used to be a teapot until the wizard here brought me to life.
Kyle: He is NOT a WIZARD!!!
Fanboy: Uh, yeah, I am.
Kyle: Very well. If you are a wizard, why don't you perform some magic?
Fanboy: I foresaw that you would ask that. Stand back!
[He does a few poses, then Chum Chum extends an index finger from each hand. Fanboy holds up both fingers, mushes them together, then shows his left hand, holding up two fingers. This was an "add-a-finger" trick]
Chum Chum: Wiiiiiizbooooy!
[Kyle puts his hand on his face as Chum Chum applauds]
Fanboy: Oh, thank you. You're too kind. I have one final finger illusion I'd like to perform if I could have a volunteer to pull my finger.
Chum Chum: Ooh! his signature trick. Let me just move upwind.
[Fanboy extends his left index finger. Kyle reaches for it while Chum Chum pleeds. Kyle then draws back his hand]
Kyle: Uh, no.
[Fanboy farts on Kyle]
Kyle: But I didn't pull it!
[Fanboy and Chum Chum laugh]
Kyle: Enough! I've had with you ninnies. It is time for me to show you what a real wizard can do. [As he says this, he takes out his wand for the first time. Hank then takes it] Huh? What?
Hank: No stick waving. You'll get this back at the end of the year.
[Kyle gasps and moans]
[Later on at lunch, Kyle is reading Necronomicon. He sees a spell he likes]
Kyle: Ooh, charm to summon a griffin. [Imagines the person in the book to be Fanboy] Hmm. Now that's a spell, I'll study that one later. [As he says this, he marks the page with a stickynote. He then hears F&C]
Fanboy: [voiceover] Hail, brother wizard!
[Chum Chum brings in Fanboy on a cart, who is hanging]
Kyle: Here we go. [F&C sit with him] Could you please not bother me whilst I'm reading?
Fanboy: Uh-oh. Reading at lunch? People are gonna think you're unfriendly.
Kyle: Like I'd give an Elf.
Chum Chum: [Playing with Necronomicon] Wow, that's a nice coloring book.
Kyle: Ugh! [Burns Chum Chum's crayon] It is a Necronomicon: The ancient book of spells and charms. Something real wizards have.
Fanboy: Yes, we have one of those. Chum Chum?
[Chum Chum brings him a phone book]
Kyle: That - is a yellow pages.
Fanboy: Yes. Yellowed with the passage of a thousand years. [shatters glass, reading the book] "A-A-A best carpet cleaning". "Mention this ad for 10% off". "Pet stains are specialties". And so it is written. [closes book]
Kyle: Those are not magic words!
Fanboy: [Oblivious as to what he said again] Well, you must have misheard me. [Holds Necronomicon] What I meant to say was, "Hooplar Spoof Blork Weep Caloosh".
Kyle: STOP!!! What are you trying to do, summon a great, ferocious griffin upon us?!? Did you hear the sound of beating wings?!? [Nothing happens, but it will later on] No. It's just my imagination. [chuckles weakly] We were lucky. If you were a stronger reader, we'd all be in the clutches of its cold, pointed claws. Never do that again!
Fanboy: Fine, we'll just eat our wizard lunch. Oh, Chum Chum, would you mind levitating the ketchup to me?
Chum Chum: Your wish is my command, oh, master. [Holds up the ketchup bottle by the tip and does some "ooo-ing" and "ooohoo-ing"]
Fanboy: Thank you.
Kyle: That is not levitation. I will show you levitation.
[Kyle closes his eyes and touches his fingers like a yogi. He hums, floating off the ground. F&C stare at him excitedly. They are finally believing him]
Kyle: [Levitating] Ah, yes, levitation. This is what a mind that is centered and focused can do. And just as I can rise, I can descend. [Hits a lunch tray. Startled, he looks up to see Lupe angry at him]
Chum Chum: Have you met Lupe?
Chum Chum: Because you're sitting on her lunch.
[Extreme close-up of Kyle. He is quite horrified]
Kyle: Oh dear.
[Lupe punches Kyle]
Kyle: Ow! [Slides across the table, getting trampled with lunch trays]
Fanboy: Chum Chum, levitate me Kyle's pudding.
[Chum Chum lifts up the pudding by the top and does some "woo-hooing"]
[On the playground after the day ended. Kyle, with a black eye and covered in lunch, marches up to F&C, who are still playing wizards]
Kyle: That is it! We are going to end this once and for all. [A pizza slice falls off his forehead] I challenge you to...a WIZARD-OFF!!!
Fanboy: [Finally believing Kyle] No, no, no, no, no. You cannot challenge me to a wizard-off, cause I challenge you to a wizard-off.
Kyle: Just show up by the flagpole and bring your best trick, cause I assure you, I'll be bringing mine.
[He disappears, which changes the scene to the flagpole a few hours later. Chuggy is on top of it]
Chris Chuggy: [Still trying to get his pencil] Wa, wa, wa, wa.
[Scene pans down to the bottom of the flagpole. Kyle, Fanboy and Chum Chum are standing about ten yards apart from each other, like in an old west gunslinger battle]
Chum Chum: [Lint-rolling Fanboy's cape, finally believing everything about Kyle] Ooh-ooh-ooh! I'm so excited. They say you never forget your first wizard-off.
Fanboy: [Finally believing everything about Kyle, too] I'll let you in on a little secret, Chum Chum. Because he's new, I'm going to let him win.
Kyle: [reading some index cards] Let's see...Shrink his head? Okay. Give him a necklace of piranhas? Good. Then finish him with the underpants of a thousand screams. Hmm. all right. [poofs the cards away] Okay. Let's get this over with. [Smiles like some sort of a physcho kid]
Fanboy: Yeah! let's get wizzay!
[They all pose together. Kyle does a few poses, and Fanboy does a few poses, too.]
Kyle: Do your blasted trick.
Fanboy: Very well. Observe. [He and Chum Chum do a few poses]
Kyle: Oh, please. Not that insipid stunt where you add a finger!
Fanboy: [Leans in toward Kyle] Oh, no, my friend. Not add a finger... [He grabs his left index finger, and pretends to remove it. He does the "remove-a-finger" trick]
Chum Chum: [dumbstruck] Your finger! Hey! [faints]
Kyle: Oh, you can't be serious.
Fanboy: [gasps] Chum Chum! Ah! I knew we should have rehearsed this. Fear not. I'll revive him. [Takes out an Ice Monster Bun Bun] A good wizard always carries an Ice Monster Bun Bun for just such an emergency. [Waves it under Chum Chum's nose] Come back to me, buddy. You come back to me, buddy! [Chum Chum wakes up, then chomps Fanboy's hand] Save some for me, dude. [Chum Chum can't come off his hand. Faintly] CHUM CHUM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?
[Fanboy waves him around wildly, suddenly sticking Chum Chum to his head, too. He hops around madly trying to pry him off]
[Back to Kyle. He thinks this is a target as he laughs manically]
Kyle: This farce ends now. [Conjures up a shock ball, F&C do not see this]
Fanboy: [over] Come on! Get off! get off!
Kyle: Good-bye forever, Fanboy! GAME, SET, MA -- HA?!?
[He stops and looks upward. A griffin comes down from the sky. Of course, it's the one Fanboy summoned. The spell did work after all]
Kyle: The great griffin! [screams]
[The griffin scoops Kyle up and flies him away. Back to F&C who did not see this. Chum Chum finally detaches himself from Fanboy's head and they turn around. They see that Kyle is not there, not knowing what was going on with him while they were concentrating on each other. However, they now believe he is a real wizard and has real powers.]
Chum Chum: Where did Kyle go?
Fanboy: I guess he left. I probably shouldn't have been so awesome. But we can make it up to him. We'll play wizard with him all day tomorrow. [He and Chum Chum walk home] He'll like that.
Kyle: [Flying away in the distance on the griffin] No, I won't!
[Iris out as the episode ends, thus beginning the many adventures of Fanboy and Chum Chum.]
"Pick a Nose"