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Total Recall/Transcript

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Return to "Total Recall".

[Scene opens up showing an extreme close-up of Oz's feet. He is sneaking down the block like a secret agent at night]
Oz: Like a phantom! The super secret spy slinks through the shadows, completely undetected. [tumbles in front of Oz Comix, groans] Safe house at last! The spy has accomplished his mission. He has kept a vital package from falling into the wrong hands!
Fanboy: [looks over Oz's shoulder] Hey, Oz!
Oz: [shrieks]
Fanboy: What'cha hidin'?
Chum Chum: [looks over Oz's other shoulder] Something secret?
Oz: Uh, I've been made. Okay, super spy, don't blow your cover. Allay suspicion. Uh, hey, look over there! [tosses F&C away and looks through keys]
Fanboy: [sniffing] Wait a minute. What's that smell? It smells like... [sniffs, turns head around] Injection-molded plastic!
Chum Chum: [sniffs, turns head around] Yeah, and individual die-cast pieces.
Fanboy and Chum Chum: You've got a new toy! [attack Oz] Toy, toy, toy, toy, toy...
Oz: Security breach! Security breach!
[Fanboy holds an Agent 08 package]
Fanboy: Oh, the new Agent 08 action figure, yes!
Oz: [puts hand over Fanboy's mouth] Shh! It's top secret! Icksnay on the outside voice-ay!
Chum Chum: Fanboy only has an outside voice. He was born that way.
Fanboy: [sticks out mouth through hand] Ooooooh! Agent 08! The covert octopus super spy!
Chum Chum: Pretty please? You have to let us play with it.
Oz: Well, I would, but it's the only one that I have to play with.
Chum Chum: Toy, toy, toy, toy, toy, toy! [snatches another Agent 08 box] He's got another!
Oz: That's for display purposes only!
Fanboy: Thanks, Oz. [he and Chum Chum go home]

[Cut to the box. Fanboy shines a flashlight on it and Chum Chum imitates a heavenly choir]
Chum Chum: Okay, that was fun. Now, let's open it.
[Victorious music plays as F&C babble and giggle with excitement as Fanboy opens the box and reaches inside]
Fanboy: [singing] Behold! Agent 08!
[He pulls the Agent 08 toy out of the box. The victorious music suddenly stops as F&C notice that Agent 08 is leaking]
Chum Chum: Uh, Fanboy? Is it me or does Agent 08 look a little...different?
[Agent 08 gurgles]
Fanboy: Yeah. It looks way...more...AWESOME!
[Agent 08 spits out some oil which hits the floor, making a hole]
Fanboy: Wh-oa!
Chum Chum: [reading the box] That must be his...Quick Action Oil Slick.
Fanboy: Wow, you are just full of -- [Agent 08 sticks to his face] WHOA -- WAH! That's my face! Whoa!
Chum Chum: It also says, "He has Spring-loaded Octo-Jump with Permalock Grip"! Hmm...I wonder what the Octo-Shock does...
[Agent 08 shocks Fanboy, and he falls down the hole, where he gets shocked some more]
Chum Chum: Oh, here it is. It shocks you.
[Chum Chum runs over to the hole when Fanboy pokes himself up]
Fanboy: Uh! Chub Chub, I gotta tell ya: I. Wub. This toy!
Chum Chum: What?
Fanboy: [pulls Agent 08 off his face revealing red suction cup marks] Now, my wips are nub. Okay? But I wub it!

(Song: Friends Forever)

Fanboy and Chum Chum: Friends forever, friends forever
Yay! Ahh! (x4)
Bestest friends, bestest of forever!
Friends forever, friends forever
You and I just met,
Now we're gonna spend forever!

He's my friend, he's my friend!
You're my friend, too!
He's my friend, you're my friend!
What we gonna do-o?

Friends forever, friends forever
F-R-I-E-N-D-S, friends!
Ahh! (x4)
Friends forever, friends forever
Friends forever, friends forever
Friends forever, friends...
Ahh!

No, no, no, no, no, no!
Yah! (x6)
Friends forever, friends forever
Friends-ah!

Fanboy: Good night, Agent 8.

Fanboy and Chum Chum: Friends forever, friends forever
F-R-I-E-N-D-S, friends!
Friends, friends, friends, friends, friends!

[Cut to the TV]
Narrator: It's time for "The Super Spy Adventures of Agent 08"! Tonight's episode: "License to Krill".
Fanboy: We...LOVE your show, Agent 08. Especially the episode when you jumped over that shark.
Chum Chum: Yeah, that’s when it really started to get good.
[The show switches to a news announcement]
Anchorman: We interrupt this episode of Agent 08 with breaking news. A new toy, by the name of Agent 08, has been found to be extremely dangerous.
Fanboy: Dangerous? Agent 08? What do they mean?
Chum Chum: [with Agent 08 sucking on his head] I dunno.
Anchorman: We've received several reports that the toy has a tendency to explode!
Fanboy: Well, that’s crazy. I think we would've noticed if it -- [Agent 08 explodes] Agent 08? You...explode?
Fanboy and Chum Chum: WICKED!
[Agent 08 explodes again, knocking the couch backwards]
Anchorman: The Toy Company is sending out representatives to recall the toy.
Fanboy: Whoa, wait. My ears are still ringing, what did he just say?
Chum Chum: They're gonna take away our Agent 08!
Fanboy: NEVER! They’ll have to pry it from my cold red face! [Agent 08 sticks to his face]
Chum Chum: [talking fast] What do we do? What do we do? What do we do? What do we do?!?
Fanboy: [shakes Chum Chum] Calm down. get a hold of yourself!
Chum Chum: [Agent 08 smacks him] Thank you. I needed that.
Fanboy: We've gotta keep it together, Chum Chum. [takes Agent 08 off his face] It's up to us to keep Agent 08 safe.
Chum Chum: But how? The toy police will be here any minute!
Fanboy: That's why we need to bring it to the one place where no one has ever been able to get their hands on a toy.

[At Oz Comix...]
Chum Chum: It's all boarded up. I wonder why.
Fanboy: [knocking on door] Hello? Oz?
[they stick their eyes through the mail slot. Their perspective, the entire store is boarded and is in a mess]
Chum Chum: [sticks mouth through the mail slot, talking loudly] Anybody home?!
[Oz's hand grabs and pulls them inside]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: WHAA!

Oz: [shines a lightsaber in front of F&C] Who are you, what do you want?! Who sent you?
Fanboy: Whaah, Oz, it's us, Fanboy and Chum Chum!
Oz: [turns lightsaber off] Sorry. I've been holed up in here for so long that I've started to lose all traces of my civilized self. Now I'm more animal than man! [scratches cheek]
Fanboy: Whoa. How long have you been in here?
Oz: Mm, about an hour. So, what news from the sun world? Have we been overrun by apes yet?
Fanboy: Oz, you won't believe it. Agent 08 has been recalled!
Oz: I know. isn't it awesome?
Chum Chum: Awesome?
Oz: Sh-yeah. Nothing better for the value of a collectible than a gold recall. I could seriously put you two through college with this toy.
Fanboy: [gasp] But you'd never do that, right, Oz? Say it! Say you'll never do that!!
Oz: Of course not! [walks over to a key slot] I'm keeping this baby right in...here.

[he puts a key hung from a cord around his neck into the lock and turns it, revealing the Hall of Recall]
Oz: Behold, the Hall of Recalled!
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Whoa!
Oz: Every recalled toy since I started caring about that kind of thing. Over here, we have -- oh, look at her, Baby McCuddles. Heh.
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Aww.
Oz: Don't get too close. Her arms fire off at a hundred miles per hour. Yeah, yeah. All right, next to her is a vintage fire truck. [the fire truck releases flames] Self-explanatory. And...this is an exact replica of the Battleship Potompkins, complete with eighteen functioning nuclear warheads.
Chum Chum: Why was that recalled?
Oz: [takes off a piece of the ship] Choking hazard. [tosses piece away] And of course there's Baby's First Nail Gun, Fang Ball, Sock Full of Nickels...if they think I'm gonna hand these babies over, they've got another thing coming. [points at a trio of sailor babies] Or these babies.
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Oh!
Oz: They spit up acid.
[one of the babies spits acid onto the baby next to it and giggles]
Chum Chum: But, Oz, what are we gonna do?
Oz: I'm seriously prepared to hole up here as long as it takes! I've got plenty of essential provisions. I've got fourty cases of dried jerky, I've got ten cases of powdered soda...
Chum Chum: What's in the cooler?
Oz: That's my chemical toilet.
Fanboy: Ehh, I thought you've only been in here an hour.
Oz: Yeah, but I ate a week's worth of jerky.

[We hear pounding at the door. Fanboy, Chum Chum and Oz gasp]
Agent Greg Johnson: Ozwald Harmonian! It's the Toy Company!
Fanboy: It's the Toy Police! What are we gonna do?
Oz: I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go test out the chemical toilet!
[cut to outside]
Agent Johnson: Toy Company! Open up! [knocks rapidly]
[A shadow falls over Agent Johnson. He looks up and sees a piano hanging over him]
Oz's mom: Mitzi! Chew harder! Use your cuspids!
Agent Johnson: Daaah! What are you doing?
Oz's mom: Stopping you from delivering more toys to my Ozzie!
Agent Johnson: No, I'm here to take a toy away!
Oz's mom: [rides down the piano] Oh-ho. Hmm. Why not you say so, hmm? Come. I'll let you in. You can take zem all. [Agent Johnson sits on the piano with her] HAUL IT UP, MITZI!

[They ride the piano up. Fanboy, Chum Chum and Oz's eyes stick out from under the boards, watching them]
Fanboy: [gasp] She's letting him in.
Chum Chum: I don't wanna lose Agent 08!
Oz: I can't believe it! My own mother's ratting me out. She knows I have toy warrants out for me in seven counties.
Fanboy: We're not finished yet. If this guy wants recalled toys, we'll give him recalled toys. [swipes the key from Oz's neck]
Oz: Ow! I would have given it to you, seriously!

[Agent Johnson rides with Oz's mom on the stair chair]
Agent Johnson: I appreciate it, Ma’am, but I can walk the rest of the way.
Oz's mom: Oh, it's no trouble. Save your strength for hauling avay the toys.
Oz: Agent Johnson. I should have known they'd send you.
Agent Johnson: Harmonian! What are you doing?
Oz: Just playing with my toys.
[Chum Chum double claps, which turns on the lights revealing all the recalled toys that are surrounding Oz, Fanboy and Chum Chum. The toys get ready for battle]
Oz: Fire at will!
Agent Johnson: Actually, it's Greg.
Baby McCuddles: Hi. [coos]
[Baby McCuddles fires her arms at Oz, who faints to the ground so hard, all the other recalled toys begin to fire stuff all over the place and do their recalled actions. Chum Chum spins the Sock Full of Nickels, but hits himself instead, knocking him out. Fanboy dodges the lasers and pulls out the miniature Battleship Potompkins]
Fanboy: Going to Def-Con Five! [fires missiles at Agent Johnson and Oz's mom] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! [the missiles miss them and charge for themselves instead] Uh-oh.
Chum Chum/Oz/Fanboy: Aaaugh!/Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Friendly! Friendly!
[the missiles hit them]
Oz: Huh. I guess those toys were a little more defective than I thought.

Agent Johnson: [begins to corner them] I'll take those Agent 08s now.
Fanboy and Chum Chum: No!
Agent Johnson: You've got nowhere to run, Harmonian! The game's up.
Oz: Oh, no, it's not! Because I have...a secret escape pod!
Chum Chum: A secret escape pod? Where is it?
Oz: [knocks wall] It's behind this 3-foot-thick wall of reinforced concrete. [F&C look at him flatly] Well, it's not much of a secret if it's out in the open. Seriously.
Agent Johnson: You can't keep agent 08, it's too dangerous!
Fanboy: He is dangerous, isn't he? [suctions Agent 08 to the wall, who begins to beep]
Agent Johnson: Wait! What are you doing? Don't!
Fanboy: Fire in the hole!
[they cover as Agent 08 explodes, which breaks the wall revealing the escape pod. The three run through and enter it. Cut to outside, the escape pod blasts out of Oz Comix into the sky and away]

Agent Johnson: Oh, well. I guess they don't want their free, exclusive, one-of-a-kind, limited edition replacement toy. [at a Mega Mechatech] Sorry, Mega Mechatech.
Mega Mechatech: [mockingly] Maybe if you weren't so pushy!
Oz's mom: You vere going to give Ozzie more toys? SIC HIM, MITZI!
[Mitzi kicks Agent Johnson and Mega Mechatech out of Oz Comix]

[Cut to the escape pod in space]
Chum Chum: Oh, Agent 08. Now the mean man can't get you.
Fanboy: Not for eight months, at least. Look at all of these provisions!
Oz: Uh, did anyone happen to grab the chemical toilet?
[Oil splats the screen, ending the episode]

Previous:
"Little Glop of Horrors"
Transcripts Next:
"Refill Madness"

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