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Return to "Tooth or Scare".

[Scene opens up with Fanboy and Chum Chum running down a sidewalk to Kyle's house]

(Song: Kyle's House)

Fanboy: Kyle's house, Kyle's house.
Fanboy and Chum Chum: We're going to Kyle's house. And when we get to Kyle's house, we'll finally be at Kyle's house!
Fanboy: Hey, isn't this Kyle's house?
[Show Kyle's house. The boys smile at each other, link arms and run inside]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Kyle's house, Kyle's house, we're finally at Kyle's house!
[The eyes of the gargoyle on the railing flash red. Cut to Kyle's living room. Kyle is reading a comic book]
Kyle: [laughing] Wha -? [looks up to see his crystal ball flashing] Ugh, what now?

[Kyle goes over to the crystal ball to see what's wrong. He sees Fanboy and Chum Chum, running amok his dining room]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Kyle's house, Kyle's house, we're frolicing at Kyle's house! Kyle's house, Kyle's house! Kyle's house, Kyle's house!
Kyle: [over] Oh, no. Not Fanboy and Chum Chum! Ah well, they'll never get past the moat.
[F&C fall into the moat. Kyle stares, and they come out of the moat and spit water at him through the crystal ball]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: We're as wet as we can get, here inside of Kyle's house! Kyle's house, Kyle's house, deep inside of Kyle's house!
Kyle: [over] Oh, fiddlebottom! Well, they'll never get past the dragon.
[F&C get burnt by the dragon's flame, but are unharmed]
Fanboy: We're fully dry...
Chum Chum: And lightly fried!
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Deep inside of Kyle's house!
Kyle: Grr! Well then, maybe I'll just... [red eyes] RELEASE THE KRACKEN! [activates a microphone and talks into it] Uh, yes, um, can we release the kracken please? [gibberish voice] Thank you so much.
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Kyle's house, Kyle's... [kracken grabs them] ahh!

Kyle: Philip will enjoy digesting them over a thousand years, maybe I'll see if he wants some catsup.
[There is a burp. Suddenly, F&C crash the door down on top of Kyle]
Fanboy: It sure was nice of Kyle's kracken to burp us up to the door.
Chum Chum: Hey, where's Kyle?
Kyle: Under here! [sticks his mouth through the mail slot] Get this off of me at once!
[F&C put the door back up, but are scared when Kyle materializes before them]
Kyle: [lispy] You simple-minded thugs! [Shines his wand in Fanboy's face] Prepare to be fed to the serpent! Dessicate!
[For a moment, F&C are scared. Then, they blow raspberries and start cracking up]
Kyle: What's so side-splitting?
Chum Chum: Kyle, your mouth. [To point it out, he presses in Kyle's front left tooth, which came loose from the door crashing on him] It has a doggy door.
Kyle: Wha-? [wiggles tooth] Oh no, my tooth is loose! I mustn't let it fall -- [his tooth falls out of his mouth and onto the floor] Out. [picks up tooth] Oh, no! Now, the Wizard Tooth Fairy will come! This is a disaster of epic proportions! [As he says this, he whistles when he says something with S. This continues until his adult tooth grows in later on]

Chum Chum: Why are you so freaked out, Kyle?
Fanboy: Yeah! I bet the Wizard Tooth Fairy leaves magic money that turns into candy so you can rot your teeth out and get more magical money-candy! That's it, right? Am I wrong?
Kyle: It's not what the Wizard Tooth Fairy leaves...it's what he takes!
[The scene behind Kyle changes to Wizard World as he tells his story]
Kyle: Forged in a pit of molten tartar...
Wizard Tooth Fairy: [roars]
Kyle: [voiceover] He sits on the edge of oblivion sharpening his blades, spooling his floss, waiting, waiting, waiting, until...gentle tooth falls from tender gum. [A young wizard in the story falls to the ground and his tooth pops out as he says this] And then, he arrives!
Wizard Tooth Fairy: [roars]
Kyle: [voiceover] He appears and removes all your teeth one by painful one! [The Wizard Tooth Fairy rips out the jaw of the young wizard, then disappears] Until your mouth is as empty as his soul.

Fanboy: Wait, I'm confused. Does he live at the edge of oblivion or on top of Tooth Mountain?
Chum Chum: Can I play with your kracken?
Kyle: I must find the right incantation to keep him from coming! [poofs up a book] Very well, let's see. A simple 3-step charm. [turns page] This shouldn't be hard! Alright..."Step 1: Sprinkle Anti-Fairy Dust on the floor". Very good! [Sings and sprinkles the dust] Fairy, be gone! Fairy, be gone! Fairy, be gone! There. "Step 2: Knock three times". Easy enough! [Goes over to the shelf under his self portrait and knocks on it three times]
Fanboy: I'll get it!
Kyle: No!
[Fanboy opens the door. In walks the Wizard Tooth Fairy]
Fanboy: Kyle, it's for you.

Wizard Tooth Fairy: Boy! Oo is missing a tooth? [Grabs Chum Chum and looks in his mouth] Well...
Kyle: I've got to get this tooth back in!
Fanboy: Hmm, I've got it! I find that gum is the only substance that can rot your teeth out and stick them back in. [As he says this, he pulls a wad of rotted gum off the bottom of his left shoe]
Kyle: Oh, how horrid. I can't! I simply can't!
[Fanboy ignores him. He puts the gum on the tooth and sticks it in Kyle's mouth]

Wizard Tooth Fairy: [Still checking Chum Chum's mouth] Ah, I know there's a missing tooth up bere somewhere. [Tosses Chum Chum away] How bout you, puppet? [Opens Fanboy's mouth] Hmm...eh, there ain't now.
[Kyle nervously blows a bubble through the gum on his tooth. He suddenly makes a bubble with the tooth floating inside it]
Wizard Tooth Fairy: What the -- me scepter's going all bingety-bonk! [Kyle swallows the gum bubble] Ah, looks like you're the cowlpret. [Kyle shakes his head no] Come on, open up. Let's see them pearly whites.
Kyle: Ahh. Ahh!
Wizard Tooth Fairy: Ah, all present and accounted for.
Kyle: Yep! All teeth here are firmly held in place with gum. B-by gum. In gums! Ha.
Wizard Tooth Fairy: Hmm. Perhaps me scepter's running a bit low on tooth juice. Mind if I take a load off while I recharge this? The old dramatic enterance left me a bit knackered. Know what I mean?
Kyle: Oh! By all means!

[Later, the Wizard Tooth Fairy pours a cup of tea and drinks it]
Fanboy: You know, I was entertaining the notion of a time share on Tooth Mountain. [eats a cookie] Tell me, what is the off-season? I would love to avoid the crowd. [eats another cookie]
Wizard Tooth Fairy: You! You ain't touched your cookies. Why not?
Kyle: Oh, uh...just not in a nibbling mood. [puts on a cheesy smile]
Wizard Tooth Fairy: It's not because...you have a loose tooth now, it it?!?
Kyle: Me? Heh, of course not. [his tooth hangs loose on the gum, but sucks it back up]
Wizard Tooth Fairy: Well then, have at it.
[Kyle starts to eat a cookie, but Fanboy takes it]
Fanboy: Oh! Does Kyle want a cookie? Come and get up! [Eats cookie, then stuffs in more]
Wizard Tooth Fairy: Oy! What are you doin'?
Chum Chum: Oh, ooh, ooh! Kyle likes to have his deats chew his food for him, and then feed it to him like a bird. Isn't that right, Kyle?
Kyle: Uh...I suppose!
Chum Chum: Open wide! [Opens Kyle's mouth, and Fanboy spits the cookies in his mouth into it]
Kyle: Delicious. [Licks lip] I for one, am stuffed to the gills. Really!
Wizard Tooth Fairy: [Has the last cookie on the plate, literally] Numb, always bully, not to be rude.
[Spits into Kyle's mouth. Fanboy sheilds Chum Chum's eyes, but he wants to see it]

[Later, Kyle is dizzy from the spit]
Wizard Tooth Fairy: Mind if I use the loo? Only I had some snake fangs for breakfast and the venom -- didn't quite agree with me.
Kyle: Last door down the hall.
[The Wizard Tooth Fairy exits]
Kyle: What am I going to do? This gum is losing its stickiness!
Chum Chum: Ooh! I have an idea. Maybe if you shrunk down me and Fanboy, we can go inside your mouth and find a way to reattach your tooth permanently.
Kyle: If you think I'm going to let either of you inside my -- [hears the toilet flush]
Fanboy: He's coming!
[Kyle looks at the hallway and hears footsteps, then at F&C. He growls, then, with his wand, bonks F&C on their heads respectively, making them disappear and reappear in Kyle's mouth]

[In Kyle's mouth...]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Woaaaaaaah!
Kyle: Do tread lightly! I have a very sensitive ga-ga-gag reflex.
[F&C salute, then Kyle closes his mouth]

[Later, the Wizard Tooth Fairy is looking at a memory book]
Wizard Tooth Fairy: Now, I'm particularly proud of my design on this one. Oh, it was a bit of a checkerboard pattern.
Kyle: Mmm! [Hears drills and noises in his mouth]
Wizard Tooth Fairy: Did you say something?
Kyle: Mmm-mmm.
[In Kyle's mouth...]
Fanboy: Let's go! Bring it back! Bring it back, you got room!
[Living room...]
Wizard Tooth Fairy: Now, this bloke, he was a wily little wizard. Would you believe he actually tried to shrink his mates and have em put his tooth back while I was in bloomin' room! [A drill comes out of Kyle's center tooth] What's that, then?
Kyle: Uh, must have swallowed a toothpick with my club sandwich! [Pushes drill back in]

[Kyle's mouth...]
Chum Chum: [holds a cord] What's this cord for?
Fanboy: I dunno. Cut it!
[Chum Chum cuts the cord, but this turns Kyle's eyes off]
Fanboy: Oh! Power's out! Stand by! [Turn's Kyle's eyes back on] Power's back!

[Living room...]
Wizard Tooth Fairy: Hold up a tick! What's going on inside your -- [Kyle's ear squirts him]
Fanboy: [voiceover] Chum Chum, you hit the water main!
Chum Chum: [voiceover] You left it on the blueprints!
[The water stops]
Wizard Tooth Fairy: Perhaps I'll just have a little looksie at your teeth! [Grabs Kyle] Right. Let's see here...molar, canine, incisor, two-story Victorian row house, incisor. Well, everything seems to be in order. Guess I'll be on me way! [starts to leave]

Kyle: It worked! It worked! He bought it!
[In Kyle's mouth...]
Fanboy: Cha-ching! You hear that, Chum Chum? Only one day on the market and we already made a sale.
Chum Chum: Better put up the "sold" sign.

[He hammers a "sold" sign to the wall, but this makes the tooth house break. The Wizard Tooth Fairy turns around]

Wizard Tooth Fairy: [roars] Hehehehe, and you thought you could pull the wool over me eyes! [picks up tooth fragments] I'll take that. [mainical laughter] Now the rest of your teeth! [mainical laughter]
Kyle: No! Please! Not my teeth! [Holds up a pillow, and the Wizard Tooth Fairy's hand gets burnt]
Wizard Tooth Fairy: AAAAAAHHHH! The pillow... [puff, puff] It burned me toothin' hand! [runs around screaming]
Fanboy: Wow, and I though I was allergic to goose down.
[Kyle sneezes F&C out]
Chum Chum: Kyle, look! [holds up the book from before] It says here that the last step is to: "Place tooth under pillow where the tooth fairy can never reach it".
Fanboy: You know, Kyle, you really should finish a spell once you start it.
Kyle: Yes. [To the Wizard Tooth Fairy] So...not a fan of pillows, are we? Well then, I summon all pillows...from bed...to bath...AND BEYOND! [As he says this, a load of pillows from nowhere fly into the room and he aims them at the Wizard Tooth Fairy]
Wizard Tooth Fairy: [gasp]
[Kyle thrusts his arms forward. The pillows charge and hit the Wizard Tooth fairy, throwing him out the window]
Wizard Tooth Fairy: Not that! Get away! AHHHHHHH!

[Kyle goes over to the tooth fragments on the floor]
Kyle: Huzzah! My tooth!
[He swallows the fragments and with one quick motion, the empty spot in his mouth is replaced with a new adult tooth!]
Fanboy: Kyle, now that the tooth fairy's gone, we can finally break ground on my project! [As he says this, he shows a blueprint of houses in Kyle's mouth]
Kyle: [With them] There goes the neighborhood.

Previous:
"Back From The Future"
Transcripts Next:
"The Big Bopper"

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