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Return to "The Sword in the Throne".

[Scene opens up at the school, Poopatine helps Brenda polish a golden toilet door]
Poopatine: [as Brenda beeps to him] I know, Brenda. [holds her claws] It has been ages. But some day, the chosen one will come. Some day. [a fly buzzes by him] Hmm? [grunts and tries to shoo fly away] Shoo! Shoo, fly! There'll be no filthy germy pests in here as long as we're on watch, eh, Brenda?
[Fanboy and Chum Chum burst through the bathroom door, mud covering them all over. They slide over to Poopatine, making noises. They come up short of him, most of their mud splashes him all over]
Fanboy: Janitor Poopatine! Janitor Poopatine! Janitor Poopatine! Chum Chum and I just had an epic mud fight, and we need to was off in one of those knee-high sinks.
Chum Chum: How about this one? [points to the golden toilet door]
Poopatine: [blocks them] No, stop! This stall is forbidden!
Fanboy: I don't know who this "bidden" is, but now, it's for Fanboy! [jumps over the door]
Poopatine: No! Wait! [as Chum Chum enters the toilet] Nuh - nononononono!

[Cut to the inside of the stall, the walls are golden and there are roman collums]
Fanboy/Chum Chum: Woooooow.
[Fanboy's perspective, a toilet decorated to look like a throne is against the wall, on top of it is a plunger with jewels]
Chum Chum: It's beautiful!
Fanboy: It's almost a shame what we're gonna do with it. Just let me remove this scrub brush... [starts to take the plunger off the toilet]
Poopatine: Stoooop! [grabs Fanboy's hand and pushes him away] That's no scrub brush. That is the Plunger of Power! And better men than you have tried to pull it and failed. [close up of the plunger] Forged from the ancient magic when the world was young, [the fly from earlier buzzes around it] for centuries it has stood, awaiting the arrival of one so pure of heart -- [hears a plucking noise] Huh?
[Fanboy has pulled the plunger off the toilet; a light is shining on him and heavenly music is playing]
Poopatine: Uh -- what have you done?! Eh -- uh -- put it back! Eh -- put it back! [Fanboy does, lights turn back on and music stops] Oh, that's better. [Fanboy pulls plunger out again] No! Uh, put it back! [Fanboy puts it back] Ah. [Fanboy pulls it out] No! [Fanboy puts it back] Ah. [Fanboy pulls it out] No!
[Fanboy repeatedly pulls the plunger out and puts it back]
Chum Chum: Ooh! Musical Chairs! [runs to the toilet]
Poopatine: Uh...
Chum Chum: [sits on the toilet] You lose!
Poopatine: URRRRR!

[a portal appears above them]
Poopatine: Huh? Wha... [three toilets appear] The Custodial Council!
Councillor Toilet: Who hast pulled the scepter, from its throne?
Councillor Urinal: The boy. He has pulled the sacred plunger.
Councillor Bidet: Zee prophecy has been fulfilled!
Councillor Toilet: [floats to Fanboy] Your highness, we are at your service.
Poopatine: Stop, please! Uh, your lordships, there must be some mistake!
Councillor Toilet: There is no mistake. It is written in the sacred scroll! [a sacred scroll made like toilet paper appears next to him] He who pulls the Plunger of Power, shall henceforth reign as King of all Custodians!
[A crown with toilet paper is placed on Fanboy's head. His mud disappears]
Fanboy: Huh? [flowers fly into his arms, he smiles] Hmm.
[Chum Chum appears, now clean and wearing a jester's hat]
Chum Chum: Then, the talking toilet said that Fanboy would be king!
Fanboy: [as Poopatine kicks him away] Ah!
Poopatine: Oh, please! There is no way that...simpleton is the chosen one. Look at him, he has a plunger on his face.
Fanboy: [tries to get the plunger off his face but it slides over his ear] Not anymore. [he and Chum Chum slap hands]
Councillor Toilet: Well, of course he's a little young and green, but that is why you will tutor him.
Poopatine: What? Me? Tutor him? That's the most humiliating i -- [the plunger sticks to his face] Fibindebeh.
Fanboy: My bad!
Councillor Toilet: The council has spoken!
[The portal reappears, and they prepare to leave]
Poopatine: Stop! Wait! Where are you going?
[Councillors Urinal and Bidet flush themselves back into the portal. Councillor Toilet tries to but can't]
Councillor Toilet: Oh, dear. Can somebody jiggle my handle? [Chum Chum does so, he disappears]

[Poopatine pulls the plunger off his face]
Fanboy: [jumps into Poopatine's arms] Did you hear that, Janitor Poopatine? You're gonna be my very own Tutor Poopatine!
Chum Chum: [offscreen] Toot Poop!
Poopetine: I -- uh -- I don't have time for you. [throws him down] Some fool actually ate the glop in the cafeteria. Now, we have a vomit emergency.
Fanboy: You hear that, Chum Chum? Vomit. My destiny is calling me.
Poopatine: What? Ohhhh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Noooo, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Chum Chum: But the council told you that you muuuuust, so please, get the sawduuuuust!
Poopatine: OHHHHHH!

[Scene shifts to the hallway. Two traffic cones are put up]
Poopatine: All right. It's very simple. [Brenda pours sawdust into his hand] You grab a handful of sawdust...
Fanboy: [As Brenda pours the sawdust] Grab a handful of sawdust.
Poopatine: And, you sprinkle it on the mess. [does so]
Fanboy: Sprinkle it on the mess. [throws the sawdust into Poopatine's face]
Poopatine: [spits, wheezes] What's wrong with you? Not on me, on the mess!
Fanboy: Oh-ho, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. On the mess.
Poopatine: [gives a sulky look] Mmm.
[Brenda pours Fanboy more sawdust]
Fanboy: Mmm... [throws the sawdust in Poopatine's face again]
Poopatine: [sputters, coughs] No, no! Throw it down! DOWN!
Fanboy: [Brenda pours him more sawdust] Like this? [throws it in Poopatine's face again]
Poopatine: Oh -- oh! I forgot to account for your stupidity. Here! [Brenda pours Fanboy more sawdust] There. Now sprinkle.
Fanboy: Sprinkle. [starts thinking] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mmm...eh... [throws it in Poopatine's face again]
Chum Chum: Poopatine pointed out the waste, there's sawdust in his face!

[A montage begins]
Poopatine: Let's just see you hammer this nail. [Gives Fanboy a hammer and nail]
Fanboy: [positions nail on wall] Hammer this nail.
[He lightly hammers the nail and tosses the hammer through the window of a door, breaking it]

Poopatine: [starts to scrape an "In Yo Face" sticker] Just gently scrape the sticker like so.
Fanboy: [takes spatula] Scrape sticker.
[He hardly scrapes the sticker, causing the wall to be carved. Poopatine facepalms]

Poopatine: We'll just put a little touch-up paint over that gouge. Why don't you open the paint can?
Fanboy: [holds up a screwdriver] Open paint can.
[He bangs on the can lid then sticks the point in the edge, stuggling. The lid pops off, but the paint sprays Poopatine]

Poopatine: Okay, all I want you to do is unlock this door. Put the key in and turn it. [gives Fanboy the key] Nothing more, nothing less.
Fanboy: Key in and turn it. [turns key] Hey, I did it!
[the door burns]
Poopatine: OHHHHHH!
Chum Chum: You might wanna get that looked at!

[Cut to a close up of a floor waxer, Fanboy and Chum Chum swing and laugh on it]
Fanboy: Wow, I can't believe I'm using a floor waxer that used to buff the pyramids.
[the waxer's wires static]
Chum Chum: So which one do we touch to turn it on?
Poopatine: Oh, just grab a handful. You'll be fine. [enters room, peeks out and snickers] They'll burn down the school with that old fire trap. Then, their reputation with the council will be destroyed! [closed door]
Fanboy: I'll just set it to low. [bangs foot on waxer]
[The waxer turns on and spins around with the boys on it]

Councillor Toilet: This better be important, Poopatine! I was just having my drain snaked.
Poopatine: [stagey] Uh, uh, come quick! A terrible tragedy has transpired! There's an electrical fire in the hall, I fear for our king!
Councillor Bidet: Out of zee way, move, move! I will save zee king!

[Councillor Bidet rushes off, Councillors Toilet and Urinal following him. All three stop dead in their tracks]
Councillor Urinal: What is this? I don't see any fire!
[Poopatine slides in front of them. His perspective, the floors are ultimately covered with wax]
Poopatine: Wha? Uh, I don't understand. This whole place should be aflame.
[Fanboy and Chum Chum come by on the waxer]
Fanboy: Janitor Poopatine, a miracle happened. No sooner had I started the buffer when...

[Cut to Fanboy's flashback]
Fanboy: [voiceover] This idea struck me like a bolt of lightning.
Fanboy: [gets shocked by the wires] Hmm? Ah.
[Back to reality]

Fanboy: Why wax every day, when you can put on three hundred and sixty five coats...
Chum Chum: And it'll last a whole year?
[Muffling is heard. Poopatine looks down to see Kyle frozen in place under the wax. He looks up]
Poopatine: Huh?
[His perspective, the students are skating on the wax]
Councillor Toilet: Oh, such janitorial genius!
Fanboy: Oh, please. It was nothing.
Councillor Toilet: Oh, chosen one, would you, honor me by gracing my seat, with yours?
Poopatine: Oh, this is ridiculous! I can't take anymore of this insanity! I QUIT! At least I'll be able to leave with my dignity intact!

[Cut to Poopatine, he starts to sink as he walks]
Poopatine: Head held high, walking tall... [pause] Uh, uh, wha -- what's happening here?
[scene zooms out to show him sinking into the wax]
Fanboy: Uh, Poopatine, the wax hasn't dried there yet.
Poopatine: Uh, uhhhh...it's too many coats! Uh -- I'm sinking in quickwax!
Chum Chum: We put up a sign.
[Close up of a danger sign on a locker]
Poopatine: Eh...don't just stand there! HELP ME!

Councillor Toilet: Chosen one, use the Plunger of Power!
Fanboy: Fear not, Janitor Poopatine! [takes out plunger] By the power of grade school, I will save yooooou! I! HAVE! THE! PLUNGEEEERRRRR!
[He zaps Chum Chum with the plunger, who roars]
Poopatine: Ahhh!
Councillor Toilet: Ohhhh!
Fanboy: HI-ZAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
[He sticks the plunger to Poopatine's face and struggles, but instead he pulls the plunger off and slams against the wall]
Fanboy: Eh, let me just try that again. [sticks plunger to Poopatine's head and struggles]
Poopatine: Stop! You're just pushing me deeper!
Councillor Bidet: Zis is impossible! It should be child's play for ze chosen one!
Councillor Urinal: Perhaps he is not the chosen one.
Poopatine: That's what I've been trying to tell you!
Fanboy: [pulls plunger off Poopatine and starts to sink] Um, I'm starting to have some serious doubts about this magic plunger.
Chum Chum: Fanboy, you're sinking!
Councillor Toilet: Oh-ho-ho, it's too terrible! I canno-ot loo-oo-oo-ook!

[The fly from earlier buzzes by and lifts the plunger with Fanboy and Poopatine off the ground lightweight, while a light shines on it and a heavenly choir sings. Fanboy and Poopatine gasp]
Councillor Urinal: The fly. The fly has saved the chosen o-o-one!
[needle scratch]
Poopatine: Oh, can't you get it through your clogged brains? [grabs Fanboy] He's not the chosen one! The fly was in the stall. The fly pulled the plunger from the throne!
Councillor Bidet: [gasps] Zat means zee fly is zee chosen one!
Custodial Council: All hail the fly!
Councillor Toilet: I haven't been disinfected in a week. Would you care to settle on my rim?
[The fly follows the Custodial Council away]

Fanboy: Oh, well, I guess I'm not the King of Janitors after all. I wonder what I am the king of?
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Hmm...
Fanboy: [sees a pencil still in a sharpener] That's it. [walks over to it] I shall pull this pencil and become...the King of Teachers!
[He pulls the pencil out of the sharpener, but the wall breaks apart]
Poopatine: Wha...
Fanboy: What a mess! Eh, good thing I'm not the King of Janitors anymore. [walks out of room and tosses pencil] I would hate to have to clean that up.
Chum Chum: He pulled the pencil from the wall, another one messes to clean it up, something something something, let's go get a Frosty Freeeeezy Freeeeeze!
Poopatine: Uhhhh...oh...

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"Present Not Accounted For"
Transcripts Next:
"Brain Freeze"

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