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The Incredible Shrinking Fanboy/Transcript

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Return to "The Incredible Shrinking Fanboy".

[Scene opens up at the Fanlair. It is raining, then the sun comes out. The roof slot opens, and Fanboy and Chum Chum come out]
Chum Chum: [rooster crows]
Fanboy: Boy, it sure rained last night. [gasp] Oh, no. I hope the rain didn't wash the marks off my Measuring Flower! [he and Chum Chum go over to a marked sunflower] Phew! My lines are still there. Chum Chum, measure me, measure me! I wanna see if I've grown!
[Fanboy gives Chum Chum a marker. With eyes closed, he stands still as Chum Chum draws a line above his head on the flower stem]
Fanboy: So? Give me the good news.
Chum Chum: [points to a mark] You grew six inches...
Fanboy: All right!
Chum Chum: [points to the mark he drew, which is lower than the first] ...Shorter!
Fanboy: Wait. What? [looks at the lines] I don't understand. How can this be?
[Chum Chum shrugs]
Fanboy: Chum Chum, there's only one rational explanation for this. [to the whole city] I'M SHRINKING!!!
Chum Chum: Or the flower grew overnight.
Fanboy: Don't be ridiculous! This is a sunflower, not a moonflower! [starts sinking into the roof] It needs the sun to grow. See? Look how fast it's growing now!
Chum Chum: AAH! Fanboy, you just shrunk some more!
Fanboy: AHH! Oh, my gosh! I'm so small, I can fit through the cracks on the roof! What am I gonna do?
Chum Chum: Don't worry, Fanboy. We'll fix you! We're gonna get you to a specialist. [drags Fanboy offscreen]

[Cut to a close up of Oz]
Oz: Ooh, not good. I specifically asked for the meat lover's pizza with the sausage link crust, and clearly, this is cheese. I guess I'll have to eat it! [eats pizza] And then, order another one!
Fanboy: [slams door open] Oz! Oz? You have to help me! I'm shrinking! Ah! [sees giant marker] Ah! [sees giant notebook] Ooh! [sees giant scissors] AHH! I'm microscopic, I'm so small! AHH! [falls into giant marker top] Chum Chum, help! Everything went dark, my eyeballs are shrinking!
[Chum Chum tries to get the giant marker top off]
Oz: Eh, there's no cause for alarm! [lifts giant marker top] These are merely props from the movie "Mutant School Supplies from Outer Space".
Fanboy: Phew! Oh, what a relief!
Chum Chum: Wow. [looks at a pair of giant underwear] These props are enormous! I mean, look at the size of this underwear!
Oz: [takes underwear] Those are mine! [at Fanboy] So, you feel you may be shrinking, huh? I guess we'd better measure you to see what we're doing with here... [sets up a giant eraser behind Fanboy] Whoa. It's worse than I thought: You're only two inches tall!
Fanboy: [gasp] Two inches? And I'm wearing heels today.
[show a close up of Fanboy's "heeled" shoes]
Oz: These strange phenomenons seem to be going around. I myself, have a similar size anomaly. For some years now, you may or may not have noticed, but I have been growing wider at an alarming rate.
Chum Chum: Why is this happening? WHY?!?
Oz: I'll tell you why. It all started when scientists reported a supernova in the Horsehead Nebula Belt. I remember it well. Because it was the same day they came out with... [shows candy bar] the Super-Duper-Pig-Out Bar!
Chum Chum: [pause] Wait a minute, Oz. Maybe it's not the supernova that made you grow. Maybe it's the candy bar! And maybe if Fanboy ate it...
Oz: [eats candy bar] Sorry, all gone.
Fanboy: So, that's it? All hope is lost.
Chum Chum: [whimpers] There's gotta be some hope. [at Oz] Oz, when's the next supernova?
Oz: In...thirty-five million years. [opens frige revealing Frosty Freezy Freeze and drinks it]
Fanboy: Oh, that's just too long to wait! I need a cure right now! [pause, sees Oz's Frosty Freezy Freeze] Hmm? Unless...

[At the Frosty Mart, A freezing chamber is hooked up to the Frosty Freezy Freeze machine]
Fanboy: ...We shall freeze my body for thirty-five million years, [enters the freezing chamber] till the time that supernova can blast me back to normal size. [at Chum Chum] Cryogenic fluid ready?
Chum Chum: Roger! Copy that. [pulls lever and salutes] Sweet dreams, Futureboy.
[The freeze in the freezing chamber builds up]

Fanboy's alarm: A cinch of time...

[Cut to a close up of the freezing chamber. Freeze has flooded the inside, then it thaws to reveal Fanboy]
Fanboy: [shivering] Oh. [opens freezing chamber lid] Wow. So this is the future! [widen to reveal the normal Frosty Mart] Everything is so different. [leaves the freezing chamber, show close up of his foot] I'm taking a step...heeheehee! In the future! [at ketchup despenser] I'm eating a convenience store hot dog!...heeheehee! In the future! [eats hot dog, face bloats] I'm getting sick! [barfs, coughs] Puh. Heeheehee! In the future! [backs up to microwave] Ah! [repeatedly gestures] Talking house, marching cats! [stops] Ooooooh. [gasp] You must be Lenny's great, great, great, great, great, great, grandson. Your ancestor and I were pals back in days of old. I was known by the earth name, Fanboy. [stops, hears beeping and gasps] You've heard of me. I suspected I'd become legend one day. And it only took being frozen for thirty-five million years!
Oz: Actually, you were only frozen for forty-five seconds. [gets Frosty Freezy Freeze on microwave]
Fanboy: What?
Oz: [gets hot dog from microwave] Your friend gets thirsty and sucked you out of Cryogenic suspension. [sips]
Fanboy: Wha?
Chum Chum: Oh, I'm sorry, Fanboy. Here, hop on my hand and I'll take you home.
[Fanboy tries to climb on Chum Chum, but because he's so heavy he can't lift him and falls]

[At the Fanlair, Fanboy is bathing in the sink]
Chum Chum: Okay, now. You finish up your bath while I heat up your supper. Do you want a grain of rice with your pea?
Fanboy: No thanks, I kinda spoiled my dinner with that cookie crumb.
[Chum Chum goes over to the stove. Suddenly, Yo jumps in]
Yo: Hi, Chum Chum!
Chum Chum: Ah!
Yo: I have a free hour. Thought I'd come to try to steal you. [giggles, notices Fanboy] What is Fanboy doing in the sink?
Chum Chum: [annoyingly] Scrubbing behind his ears if he wants dessert!
Fanboy: Take a good look at me, Yo, while I'm still visible to the naked eye. The truth is...I'm shrinking, Yo. And there's nothing science can do. [hangs low]
Yo: What?
Fanboy: No no. Don't pity me. Doctors say I have the bravery of a ninety-pound boy.
Chum Chum: [singsong] Okay! Bathtime's over! [uncorks the sink]
Fanboy: No! Not the plug! Ah! I'm going down the drain!
Chum Chum: I-I'll save you! [pulls Fanboy out of the sink, they hit the ground]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: [gasping for air]
Chum Chum: That was too close.
Fanboy: What am I gonna do, Chum Chum? At my size, everything's a potential hazard. I could fall into an electrical outlet. [gasp] Or be carried away by a house fly! [gasp] Or get my head stuck in the eye of a needle!
Yo: [thinking] Did you hear that? This is your chance. You can finally get Fanboy out of the way and have Chum Chum all to yourself! DON'T MESS IT UP. Okay, I won't! Just stop yelling, alright?! [talking] I have a place for you.
Chum Chum: You do?
Yo: Yup! I have a dollhouse where you can live. And it's especially made for tiny precious things like you!
Fanboy: [patting Yo's head] Bless you, giant lady. Bless you.

[Cut to Yo's bedroom. Fanboy is standing still with his eyes closed tight]
Fanboy: Okay, Yo! Can I look now?
[Yo is briefly drilling something]
Yo: [singsong] Uh, just one more second! [slams helmet with goggles on Fanboy's head] There.
Fanboy: What's this?
Yo: I got you a helmet to protect your tiny, crushable head.
Fanboy: Well, aren't you the sweetest...
Yo: Now, open your eyes, and take a look at your brand new home!
Fanboy: [opens his eyes and gasps] It's a...a... [singing] an enormous mansion!
[As he says this, we see the castle dollhouse from his perspective. From our perspective, it's just a small normal-sized dollhouse. The goggles on Fanboy's helmet are making it appear to him that things are big]
Yo: I'm sure you're eager to get settled, so...here are the keys, and a cake, and a mysenhoffel. Happy housewarming! [giggles] Call me when you're phone's hooked up. Bye!
Fanboy: Okay, then. Let's see which one of these is for the front... [crams into the dollhouse] Gotta... [grunts] Uh, Yo? Is it supposed to make that sound?
Yo: Uh, the wood's old! It's just settling!

[we hear a knock at the door. Yo opens the door to reveal Chum Chum]
Yo: So, Chum Chum? This is your new room!
[pan through Yo's bedroom as weak jingle music plays. A few toddlers are seen on the shelf cowering in fear]
Chum Chum: It's all...soooooo...pink.
Yo: Well, there's still a few spots that aren't that drive me craaaazy. So, what do you think?
Chum Chum: Uh...uh... [points to something off camera]
[Yo looks at what Chum Chum was pointing at. We see a shrine shaped to look like Chum Chum's closet, complete with pictures of Chum Chum. Horror music plays, Yo closes the shrine closet]
Yo: [nervous giggle] Ooh? Uh...it came with the house.
[Chum Chum gives a blank stare]

[Cut to the dollhouse, Fanboy is struggling]
Fanboy: [grunts] Foyer's a little... [grunts] ...tight. [cut to the door inside] Just have to... [grunts]
[We see what it looks like from Fanboy's perspective, the lighting is green from the goggles and he appears to be small as he "enters" the castle, key in hand]
Fanboy: There. [tosses key away] Ah! That's better. Ooh. It's got a nice flow for entertaining. I still might wanna make a few changes. Maybe, knock down a wall here. Maybe add a wall there. [zoom out to show him in the dollhouse]

[Chum Chum is hiding under the bed, whimpering]
Yo: [offscreen] All aboard the S.S. Cuddles! [drags Chum Chum out] Toot, toot!
Chum Chum: No!
Yo: Now, now, Chum Chum. Don't be scared.
[Yo bounces off, Chum Chum in hand. The toddlers who were cowering hop off the shelf and leave]

[Cut back to the dollhouse]
Fanboy: How do you...get the...uh. I'm gonna have to call the oven guy tomorrow. [stomach growls] Ugh. Wish my appetite would shrink as much as the rest of me. [sees a candy bar on a chair outside] Hey. It's one of those candy bars that made Oz grow. Maybe if I ate it, I could grow, too! Maybe even back to normal size! [starts to walk] AHHHHH!
[we see the head of Yo's cat peek at Fanboy from the room angrily. He roars]
Fanboy: [fends off the cat with a chair and grunts] Back! Back, you demon beast!
[from our perspective, the cat is being nice while chasing the chair]
[Fanboy's perspective, he is still fending off the cat. He throws the chair]
[our perspective, the cat runs off to chase the chair]

[Fanboy's perspective]
Fanboy: [gasps for air] Too close. Now to get that candy bar.
[he reaches out as far as he could. From our perspective, his normal-sized hand grabs the candy bar]
Fanboy: Got it!
[back to Fanboy's perspective]
Fanboy: [struggles to hold the candy bar] Ugh! That nougat sure is thick! Now to take a bite. Whoops! Better ditch this helmet so it won't crush my awesome brain when I start to grow. [removes helmet]
[with eyes closed, Fanboy takes a huge bite of the candy bar and swallows. Zoom to an extreme close up of Fanboy's eyes as the green light from his perspective returns to the normal lighting of our perspective]
Fanboy: [opens his eyes] There. [gasp]
[zoom out to reveal him crammed up in the dollhouse]
Fanboy: It worked! I'm normal! [sighs] Oh, what a horrible ordeal that was.

[Cut to black. A spotlight shines on Chum Chum on Yo's bed in a sailor's hat, arms crossed. Yo knocks him off and begins her number]
(Song: S.S. Cuddles)
Yo: Oh, the S.S. Cuddles is the ship for me
It's a tug boat, too, and a hug boat, woo,
Where the hugs are always free!
[the lights turn back on, Yo gasps]
Fanboy: [offscreen] Show's over, Yo.
[Pan over to Fanboy, he is shown dressed up in the dollhouse. He has his hand on the record player]
Yo: Fanboy!
[horror sting]
Fanboy: I want Chum Chum honorably discharged, or you're gonna have... [lights on him go black, leaving only his eyes visable] ...a normal-sized problem.
[horror sting]
Chum Chum: Fanboy! You're back to normal!
Yo: Aw, I knew it was too good to be true.

Fanboy: Let's get outta here, Chum Chum.
Chum Chum: Thanks, Yo. I had fun. [pause, at Fanboy] Do you really wanna take that house with you?
Fanboy: Let's just say I've grown attached.
[they laugh]
Fanboy: Uh, no, seriously, though, you're gonna have to cut me out of this. And you'd better hurry. The basement's flooding.
[Chum Chum stares in surprise]

Previous:
"Fanboy A'Hoy!"
Transcripts Next:
"Separation Anxiety"

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