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Return to "The Hard Sell".

[Scene opens up in front of a Chinese temple. Chum Chum brings a white ninja into view]
Chum Chum: [grunting, growling, panting]
[Fanboy brings a black ninja into view. Chum Chum's ninja turns to see it, it disappears]
Chum Chum: Who dares enter the temple of Crouching Chum Chum? I hear, but do not see.
Fanboy: Ohhh, that is because I am hidden. [reveals his ninja] Hidden Fanboy. Ha ha!
[The ninjas begin to "fight". Widen to reveal they are just playing ninjas at Oz Comix. They yell and make monkey noises. Oz appears]
Oz: Guys, seriously. Everyone knows there is only one fighting style that reigns supreme... [reveals a red ninja] Breath of the Dragon! [roars rancid breath in their faces]
Fanboy/Chum Chum: EW!
Fanboy: Oh, the dragon ate an onion bagel, retreat, Chum Chum, retreat!
Oz: [roars] Super Samurai!
Fanboy/Chum Chum: [giggling]
Oz: Sashimi!
[Fanboy and Chum Chum hide behind the counter]
Oz: That's right! Not in my dojo! Who's the ninja? Beat you again! In your face! [suddenly points at his mother, his finger deflates] Hello, Mother. How's the knee?
Oz's Mom: Ozvald Harmounian, you promised you vere coming downstairs to work!
Oz: I am working. Seriously. The guys are just helping me do product testing.
[Cut to Fanboy and Chum Chum, Fanboy's ninja is sticking through his ears and Chum Chum's is up his nose. Both are making results]
Fanboy: Results inconclusive.
Oz's Mom: [takes their ninjas] They are fine. [spits on them and cleans them] Ready to sell!
Oz: Sell? Wha -- what are you talking about?
Oz's Mom: Of course, sell! Vhy you think they call this a store?
Oz: Because it's where I store my collection?
Oz's Mom: Ozvald Harmounian! I am dis close to throwing out all this junk and turning whole place into yogurt shop! [On the end of this, she shows a ad reading "Oz's Mom's Yogurt"]
Fanboy: [he and Chum Chum gasp] A yogurt shop? You wouldn't!
Oz's Mom: Oh, you vant a bet? I already purchase goat.
[Mitzi bleats from upstairs]
Oz's Mom: I'm coming, Mitzi! Just put it on pause for me!
Oz: Mom, please! Don't make me sell things! It's too soon! I'm not ready!
Oz's Mom: You've got til 6:00 to make a sale, and put money in jar. [puts a pickle jar on the counter]
Oz: No, Mom, please! Seriously! It's not fair! Seriously, I can't sell them, I can't! If I sell them, I won't have them! I have to have them, it's why I bought them! Seriouslee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee! [grabs her stair chair and is pulled upstairs, Mitzi bleats and he falls down the stairs] Oof! Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oof!
Oz's Mom: Sorry, Ozzy! Mitzi thought you were trying to steal our hot fudge!
Oz: [sobs] I was... [sits up, revealing he has horseshoes and fudge on his face]

Chum Chum: We can't lose Oz Comix! It's our home away from home! And it's Oz's home under his home!
Fanboy: Relax, Chummerson. Oz can sell something. He can do anything. Right, Oz?
Oz: Can't...sell...my...stuff.
Fanboy: Oz, you don't have to sell all your stuff, just one thing.
Chum Chum: Yeah, one teensy-weensy thing, like...
[Chum Chum runs toward a wall, Oz blocks him, dark shadows giving him effect. His eyes turn red and he makes a mop come toward him, via telekinesis, which he uses to guard. Fanboy and Chum Chum gasp]
Oz: I'm sorry it's come to this, boys, but I must defend my collection. [pretends to make lightsaber sounds as he swishes the mop for several seconds. He soon coughs] Don't make me choose between my babies! I can't choose between my babies!
Fanboy: Seriously?
Oz: Seriously.
Chum Chum: Seriously?
Oz: I have never been more seriously.
Fanboy: Oz, we're going to lose the store, okay? Isn't there anything you can sell?
Oz: [sobs] No...
Chum Chum: [holds up a Crabulous action figure] What about Crabulus: Destroyer of Worlds? You hate this guy. You said he sold out.
Fanboy: [holds up a Crabulous DVD] Remember his exercise video?
Oz: [mockingly] "Crabulus: Destroyer of Flab". More like destroyer of street cred, heh.
Fanboy: So you'll sell it and save the store?
[a short pause]
Oz: Yes. [Extreme close-up of his face] I will sell it.

[Scene cuts to the counter, Michael holds up a dollar]
Michael: One Crabulus, please!
[Long pause, Oz destroys the register]
Oz: Sorry dude, the machine is down.
[Fanboy and Chum Chum growl. Wipe to 'Cheech seeing the Crabulous and holding it]
Oz: Are you familiar with our return policy? All items must be immediately returned!
[He takes the Crabulous from him. Fanboy and Chum Chum growl again. 'Wipe to Chuggy waveing a dollar]
Oz: Didn't you see the sign? "No shoes, no shrimp, no service". And I don't see any shrimp.
Chris Chuggy: Wha? [presents a shrimp on his tongue]
Oz: That's a prawn. [slaps it away]
Chris Chuggy: Wah...
Oz: Get out.
[Chuggy and the prawn exit]
Oz: Well, guys, you can't say I didn't try.
Fanboy: Oz, come on!
Oz: Look, I can't sell it to just anyone! I need someone who knows how to treat a collectible, someone like me!
[A dude that looks like Oz, only blonde, enters. He sees the Crabulous]
Oz lookalike: Ah! Ooh. Hey...
Oz: [takes Crabulous away] We're closed!
Oz lookalike: This store stinks, sincerely. [leaves]
Oz: [makes fart noise] Posers.
Chum Chum: [whispers to Fanboy] I don't think he can do this.
Fanboy: Well, we're not gonna lose the best hangout in town -- nay, the world -- just because he won't part with some crummy crab!
[they stare at Oz]

[Fanboy grabs a bag of cheese puffs and eats them]
Fanboy: Ah... [eats a cheese puff] Ah, this is the life: Eating cheese puffs and reading one of Oz's first edition comic books.
Oz: Hm?
Fanboy: I just need to get this plastic sleeve off.
[he starts to open the sleeve of the comic]
Oz: NOOO!!!
[He charges toward them, but runs into some plastic wall]
Fanboy: Now, Chum Chum!
Chum Chum: [pushes a cardboard back to fit the plastic wrapping] Clear!
[Fanboy begins to vacuum the excess space out of the plastic wrapping]
Oz: This is seriously not cool.
Fanboy: Sorry Oz, it's for your own good. [hangs Oz on a hook from the ceiling with Chum Chum's help] This way we can sell the crab and save the store.
Oz: I didn't know you guys cared that much. I wish there was some way I could stop you.
Chum Chum: That's the spirit!

Fanboy: Okay, sales staff, let's get started. Prices here are outrageous. Take this price gun and mark this down.
[Chum Chum aims the price gun at the Crabulous and fires it, a stamp flies out and hits one of its arms, making it fall off. All gasp]
Fanboy/Chum Chum: Wicked!
Fanboy: My turn! my turn!
[He fires the price gun, it does the same as before]
Chum Chum: Nailed it! [Both belly bonk and laugh] Now, watch this!
[He holds up a mirror and fires the gun, the stamp flies everywhere before knocking off another arm]
Fanboy: Ooh. My turn!
[he grips the gun wrong, causing it to fire stamps everywhere. Some sputter across Oz's mouth, making a stamp smile]
Fanboy: This is awesome, Oz! We can sell the arms separately! What do you think?
Chum Chum: He loves it! Look at that smile!
[Oz growls]

Fanboy: Now, we need customers. So I thought, what better way to bring people into the store than get one of those big searchlights like they have at movie openings?
[Oz mutters worringly]
Fanboy: Fire it up, Chum Chum.
[Chum Chum turns on a searchlight. Cut to space, the light shines from Earth]
Chum Chum: Whoa! Nice.
[Cut back to the store. One of the toys on the shelf sizzles]
Fanboy: [sniffs] Did I leave my wax lips in the oven?
[Fanboy and Chum Chum turn to look at the shelf and scream, they switch heads. Cut to the shelf, the toys are melting due to the heat of the searchlight. Oz begins muttering again, Fanboy turns off the searchlight]
Oz's Mom: [from upstairs] Ozvald! I'm taking Mitzi to Goat Park! Cuz vhen ve come back, you better have cash monies!
Fanboy/Chum Chum: AHH! We're running out of time! [run in circles and bump into each other]
Fanboy: We got to make sure the next person who comes in here buys something!
[The bell rings, Lenny enters]
Fanboy: Ah, it's Lenny. Watch and learn, Chum Chum, as I demonstrate the subtle art of the Hard Sell.

[Fanboy scratches and rubs himself, and even sniffs his own breath. He goes over to Lenny]
Fanboy: Hey, nice day for a purchase, eh, friend?
Lenny: Uh, actually, I just need change?
Fanboy: Look, buddy, my manager is breathing down my neck over there.
[Fanboy's perspective, Chum Chum sniffs his hand and stares at them]
Fanboy: Now, what's it gonna take for me to get you into this action figure today?
Lenny: Uh...that doesn't make sense.
Fanboy: I'll tell you what doesn't make sense, my friend: You passing up a bargain like this! [puts the Crabulous in Lenny's face] Look at these claws.
[another arm falls off]
Fanboy: Oh, heh-heh. That's supposed to happen.
Lenny: Yeah, I-I-I just remembered, I need to...not be in here right now. [backs away]
Fanboy: Sales staff, you're needed!
Chum Chum: [glomps onto Lenny's head] You must buy! You must buy! You must buy! You must buy!
[They hop around babbling like crazy]
Fanboy/Chum Chum: Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy!
Lenny: WAH! Fine! I'll buy it!
Fanboy/Chum Chum: [stop babbling] Really?
Lenny: [weak] Whatever it takes to get out of here...
[Fanboy slowly hands Lenny the Crabulous. Lenny slowly gives him the dollar. Chum Chum slowly gets more eager]
Oz: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Oz breaks himself off the hook and block Fanboy and Chum Chum, he mutters and grunts]
Fanboy: No, Oz, this is our chance!
[he still blocks them]
Lenny: Look, man, just take the dollar, and give me the toy so I can leave!
[Yet, Oz still blocks them. He falls down on them, freeing himself from the display case. Lenny opens the door and leaves]
Lenny: WEIRDOS! [slams door shut]

Oz's Mom: [from upstairs] Ozvald! I'll be downstairs in vone minute! You better have cash monies!
Fanboy: She's coming, and the pickle jar is empty!
[Oz begins crying and rolling on the floor]
Chum Chum: What are you doing?
Oz: It's called keening. It's how the Celtic people expressed their sorrow when their villages were ransacked and turned into yogurt shops.
Fanboy: Oh, keening. I get it now.
[they begin doing what Oz is doing for several seconds, Fedora Man arrives]
Fedora Man: Say, you mugs, knock off that keening. I'm trying to get a load of that swell pickle jar.
[his perspective, camera zooms up and down the empty pickle jar repeatedly]
Fedora Man: It's a dandy. How much you want for it?
Fanboy: Eh, you wanna...buy that pickle jar?
Fedora Man: Why, this little beauty is the most valuable pickle jar collectible there is.
Fanboy: Really? What's it worth?
Fedora Man: The last time a jar of this caliber came up at auction, it fetched one dollar. [presents a dollar to them]
Fanboy: [takes the dollar] Sold!
Fedora Man: Pleasure doing business with you! Suckers. [closes door]

Fanboy: I can't believe it! We made a sale!
Oz: [dances] The store is mine. My stuff is safe. Who's the man? In your face! [suddenly points at his mother like earlier. His arm detaches and explodes] Oh, good evening, Mother. How's the hip?
Oz's Mom: [takes dollar, stretches and chomps it] Vell, Oz-ila, you did it. You can keep your little comic shop. [giggles]. For now.
Fanboy/Chum Chum: YAAAAAY! [slap hands]
Oz's Mom: Ho-kay, no yogurt shop. Ooh, I better get Mitzi out of the freezer.
[Mitzi bleats from upstairs]
Oz: Wow, I survived. And I didn't have to part with a single precious thing, not even this silly Crabulus exercise video.

[Screen goes to static, then reveals Crabulous on a stage]
Crabulous: Okay, ladies, time to get fabulous with Crabulous!
[widen to reveal all three watching the video and exercising]
Crabulous: Claws up, snip, snip. Claws down, snip, snip.

Previous:
"Trading Day"
Transcripts Next:
"Digital Pet Cemetery"

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