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The Book Report of the Dead/Transcript

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Return to "The Book Report of the Dead".

[Scene starts with the title card music, then the kids and Hank uniting a tug-of-war to pull a globe out of Fanboy's mouth]
Hank: One, two, three. Whoa! [pulls out the globe] You want to tell me what my favorite globe is doing in your mouth?
Fanboy: Mm-mm-mm.
Hank: Is that all you have to say, "I don't know"?
Fanboy: Mm-mm. [spits out a moon] No, no, no. I said, "Chum Chum dared me to."
Chum Chum: You done good, kid. Buy yourself something nice. [gives Fanboy a dollar]
[Hank gives Fanboy the "I'm watching you" expression]
Fanboy: Did it seem like Mr. Mufflin was mad at me? Do you think he likes me?
Chum Chum: Absolutely. He spends most every day focused just on you.
Fanboy: Boom! That's what I thought. We're good.
Kyle: Urrgh! [turns around] That's negative attention, and you thrive on it. Clearly, you have no self-respect. I feel sorry for you. [To Hank] Oh, Mr. Mufflin! Wouldn't you like to collect our homework now? I'd hate for these cookies that I baked you to grow cold.
Hank: Suck-Up's right, pass in your book reports.
Fanboy: BOOK REPORT?!? [gasp]
Kyle: You don't have one? [To Hank] Mr. Mufflin! Fanboy didn't do his book report!
Hank: Who?
Fanboy: Ugh, but Purple Kid did do his.
[Fanboy opens his desk while Kyle stares at him in a disgusted expression]

Fanboy: Okay. Paper, pencil. Ah, I feel like I'm missing something.
Chum Chum: A book?
Fanboy: No thanks, I hate them. Oh! Right. Book. Book, book, book, book, book, book, book, book, book. What do books look like? I have no idea. Eh, eh. Oh, right! [Spies Necronomicon and takes him]
Necronomicon: Oh, who's touching me? I feel untrained hands perusing my passages.
Fanboy: Shh, book! I just need you for my report!
Necronomicon: No, no, dear boy. You mustn't. My content contains dangerous dark magics, the misuse of which could have catastrophic -- [Fanboy shoves a glove in his mouth before he could finish]
Fanboy: Sheesh. For a book of the dead, it never shuts up. [wimpers while he starts writing]
Chum Chum: Um, aren't you gonna read it?
Fanboy: Ugh, reading? Then, everything's got to go from the book to my brain to my hand! I find copying cuts out the middleman. Sorry, brain. Something's got to give.
[There is a power down sound; Fanboy gains a dopey expression as his brain turns off. He starts writing]
Fanboy: Thaa thaa thaa, thaa thaa thaa, bluh bluh bluh bluh thaa thaa thaa thaa, annnnnnd...duh. There. [Kisses finished report] Mr. Mufflin, prepare to have your mind blown.

[Later in the hall, Fanboy puts his stuff away in his locker and closes its door. Suddenly, Kyle pops up next to him]
Kyle: Isn't it funny how Mr. Mufflin likes me and doesn't like you, and how I'm teacher's pet and you're not, and how I did my book report and you didn't? It's funny. Right? [laughs]
Fanboy: Actually, Kyle, I did my book report, and you even helped me.
Kyle: That seems unlikely.
Fanboy: Sure, you did. I used your book. Chum Chum?
Chum Chum: Fire in the hole! [Pulls down Fanboy's cape and Necronomicon flies out of his mouth knocking Kyle to the floor]
Kyle: You used my Necronomicon? Are you mad?
Fanboy: Actually, I feel quite satisfied. It was my first on-time book report.
Kyle: You fool! Clearly you do not realize it is a book of the dead, as in, what we shall surely find ourselves being.
Necronomicon: Oh, I tried to warn him. Yes, I did. But he's a headstrong little monkey, and he has very oily Cheese Puff fingers. [Shows some pages covered with Cheese Puffs]
Chum Chum: Maybe Mr. Mufflin hasn't read it yet.
Kyle: Let us hope so.

[In the classroom, Hank is reading the reports]
Hank: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. [eats a cookie, then spits it out] Ah, walnuts! Suck-Up's getting a B. [Pushes the cookies away and grades Kyle's report] Okay, Purple Kid, Let's see what you got. [Reads Fanboy's report] "My book report by Fanboy. The book I read was good. I liked-ed it. The best part of it was --" [Turns into a zombie] "--"Foh-run-mar-kah--"--" [Returns to normal] Oh, missed an apostrophe there. [Turns into a zombie again] "--"--lah-kee-nix-zee-bol-tra-hee-meh".".

[Back in the hall, the main 3 peek from behind a corrador and see Hank. he is now Zombie Mufflin]
Zombie Mufflin: [moans]
Fanboy: Shh. There he is.
Kyle: Does he look like he's read it?
Fanboy: I don't know. [Inspects Zombie Mufflin, who bangs his head into the wall] Eyes are a little red? Could have been a bad night's sleep, though. Which would also explain the flies pouring out of his mouth.
[Flies pop out of Zombie Mufflin's mouth. Cheech runs by]
Zombie Mufflin: [head spins, monotone] No running in hallway. Ah!
Kyle: Did you see that? His head just swiveled clean around!
Chum Chum: Look! He's holding your book report!
Fanboy: Let's go try to get it.

[The main 3 approach Zombie Mufflin]
Fanboy: Uh, hello, Mr. Mufflin. How is it going? Uh-huh. I made a silly mistake. I may have forgotton to list my sources. Could I see my book report, please? [reading report] "Too many misspellings."? "This is not a word."? "Please see me after class."---? "D-"?!? Whew! See, Kyle? What did I tell you? Everything's perfectly normal.
Zombie Mufflin: [Sucking on Kyle's head] Must eat brains.
Kyle: Help! SOMEONE!!! FANBOY!!!
Zombie Mufflin: Fanboy? [Releases himself from Kyle's head] Fanboy make Mufflin zombie! [Reaches for Fanboy]
Fanboy: Ah! Not the face!
Zombie Mufflin: Ah! [pets Fanboy's head] Thank you, Master Fanboy. [bows]
Fanboy: [gasp] Did you hear that? He didn't call me Purple Kid or Doofus!
Chum Chum: Or Nincompoop or Nitwit or Dunce or Simpleton or Propellor-Head.
Fanboy: Yeah, he called me by my name, Master.
Kyle: Of course, Propeller-Head! [to Zombie Mufflin] He thinks he's your zombie slave. Ugh! I must set this right.
[He reads Necronomicon to find an antidote. Fanboy looks at him, disgusted]
Zombie Mufflin: What is thy bidding, Master Fanboy?
Fanboy: Uh, well, Zombie Mufflin, you can start by taking that book away from Suck-Up.

[Zombie Mufflin grabs Kyle by the feet]

Kyle: Fanboy, what are you doing?!? We have to turn him back! [his legs get split apart too far] Ugh!
Fanboy: I don't want to turn him back. Mr. Mufflin is finally showing how much he likes me.
Chum Chum: Yeah, look! He's actually smiling at you.
[Zombie Mufflin smiles at Fanboy]
Fanboy: It's a dead-toothed, drooly, creepy kind of smile, but it's just for me. Who would have ever thought it? Fanboy is the teacher's pet!
Kyle: Only because the teacher is an undead! Mindless! Shambling! Corpse!
Fanboy: [Puts his arm around Kyle] Kyle, do I detect a wee note of jealousy?
Kyle: WHAT?!?!?
Fanboy: Look, I promise you there is nothing to worry about. I'm sure Mr. Mufflin has plenty of attention to shower on both of us.

[In class...]
Zombie Mufflin: [writes a 1 on the board] Anyone? [Looks across the class raising their hands, then turns to Fanboy playing a handheld game] Master Fanboy?
Fanboy: Oh, you want me to come all the way up there?
Zombie Mufflin: My bad. [Carrys Fanboy's desk to the board as he draws something on it] Correct. You get an A in math.
Kyle: What? That's not even a number! It's a unicorn playing a guitar!
Zombie Mufflin: A in art.
Kyle: I demand a recount. [Zombie Mufflin zaps him with his heat vision, vaporizing him. Only his shoes are left to be seen] Oh, you got ash on my new trainers.
Fanboy: You know what? Give him honorable mention. He's been through a lot.
Zombie Mufflin: Master Fanboy know all! All ye who do not worship Master Fanboy will perish, screaming, in the abyss!
[The class stares, and the bell rings]
Chum Chum: Yay! Recess!
[The students exit and wimper]

Fanboy: Ah, hey, Muffley, can we talk?
Zombie Mufflin: Master, I make you collage. [gives Fanboy a collage of cat pictures]
Fanboy: [not so thrilled, at the camera] Oh, wow. Look at that. So I think we both know I've been spinning my wheels in your class. I think it's time I moved you to the next level. You know, graduator.
Zombie Mufflin: Grad-u-ate?
Fanboy: Yeah, graduate or graduate with honors or highest honors, whatever you feel I deserve.
Zombie Mufflin: Highest honor.
Fanboy: Really? Oh! I feel the same way. Great. It's settled, then. Thanks for everything. Oh, it has been a crazy ride. Okay, we'll work out the details tomorrow. [leaves]
Zombie Mufflin: Highest honor.

[The next day. Fanboy goes into the classroom sipping a Frosty Freezy Freeze]
Fanboy: Sorry I'm late, I -- [sees the entire classroom has turned into a creepy graduation ceremony] What the -- okay. I don't recall posing for that.
Zombie Mufflin: Welcome to ceremony, Master.
Fanboy: Ceremony? What ceremony? [behind him, the door closes] Ah! Not the face.
Zombie Mufflin: Graduation. [Puts a graduation cap on Fanboy's head] Hit it!

[An eerie version of Pomp and Circumstance is heard in the background as Zombie Mufflin leads Fanboy down the isle]
Chum Chum: Fanboy, do something!
Fanboy: I am, Chum Chum. I'm graduating!
[Fanboy walks up the centerpiece and sits in a chair next to the desk. Zombie Mufflin comes forward]
Zombie Mufflin: Be seated. Thank you. We here to graduate Master Fanboy with highest honor: me eat his brain.
Fanboy: Thank you, Mr. Mufflin. First, I'd like to say a few -- wait, what was that last part again?
Zombie Mufflin: His highest honor: me eat your brain, take your power, become one with you! Then, move tassel to left. After that, refereshments and dancing, time permitting.
Fanboy: [horrified] Um, okay. I think you may have the wrong idea about "highest honor".
Zombie Mufflin: No! It in book! [Shows the incantation from Necronomicon] Blah! [Puts Fanboy on the desk and straps him to it] Ah!
Fanboy: So it is. I lay corrected. [Zombie Mufflin struggles to open his head flap]

Chum Chum: Fanboy! Kyle says if he eats your brain, we'll be his slaves forever!
Fanboy: What do I do?
[A vaporzed Kyle whispers to Chum Chum]
Chum Chum: Kyle says there's a spell in the book that can turn him back. But you have to get Mr. Mufflin to read it!
Fanboy: Oh, this? But it's so long! Wait, maybe I can summarize it. That's it!
[Zombie Mufflin finally opens Fanboy's head flap]
Zombie Mufflin: Must eat brain! Highest honor.
Fanboy: Okay, buckling down. [Studys Necronomicon and writes the incantation down while his brain tries to fight back] And paragraph supporting the theme. Good. Finished. Hey, Muffley. Before we get on with it, would you mind reading a little something I wrote to commemorate the occasion?
Zombie Mufflin: [takes the incantation] Yes, master. "Book report by Fanboy. Book I read was good. I liked-ed it. The best part was "Shoo-lah-shoo-lah, par-lah-mar-loh-dit-kah, beh-lih-chick-noh-eeh-ney-vay".".

[There is a blinding light and the classroom turns back to normal. Zombie Mufflin also becomes a normal teacher again. The class is confused as normal Hank falls off his desk]

Hank: Argh! Huh? The doc warned you, Hank. Time to cut out the spicy food.
Fanboy: Woo-hoo! I did it! I wrote a book report. And know what? It wasn't that bad.
Chum Chum: [gives Fanboy another dollar] Man, you are busting my bank today.
Fanboy: Now maybe Mr. Mufflin will see me for the student that I am, even when he's not a zombie.
Hank: Worst book report I ever read, Purple Kid. D+.
Fanboy: Eh, it's a start.

Previous:
"Strings Attached"
Transcripts Next:
"Stan Arctica"

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