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The Big Bopper/Transcript

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Return to "The Big Bopper".

[Scene opens up showing a view of the Frosty Mart. Boog is carrying Fanboy and Chum Chum by the underwear]
Fanboy: So I'm thinking, why call them "Sundae Toppings" when they work just as well on the bottom?
Chum Chum: I like the way your mind works. [The door opens] Hold that thought.
Boog: Okay, I'm through with you dweebs for now. I'll bop you some more on my break. Sha-ka! [Spins F&C around, then throws them]
Chum Chum: So, what are your thoughts on whipped cream?
Fanboy: Che! How much time do you have?
[They hit the Frosty Freezy Freezy machine, Boog laughs. They then press the lever, allowing them to come out]
Fanboy: [cracks his knuckles] Oh, boy! I thought Boog really brought his A-Wedgies today.
Chum Chum: [stretching his back] Oh, yeah! Got the kink right outta my back! It's like his fists are made of medicine.

Boog: Uh, Lenny, I've been here for ten seconds, so already, WHY - are my hands not wrapped in hot towels?
Lenny: Oh, hello, Boog! That sounds like a question for our new employee, Lemuel. [A small head peeks up next to him] He'll be filling in for me on my first day off in five, stress-twitchy years! [twitches] So you can get him to steam your fists, and moisturize your cuticles. Cause I'll be spending all day in a nice, relaxing, doctor's office! [As he says this, he jumps over the counter and skips outside] Ooh! Maybe my tests will be inconclusive and they'll keep me overnight for observation! [leaves]

[Back in the Frosty Mart...]
Boog: So, you're the new guy, huh? Tehe. Okay, noob! Let's start with the basics! [Lemuel starts to stand up. He isn't small at all] Microwaving my mid-morning burrito. You probably think "press burrito", huh? But I found a "baked potato" setting. [Lemuel stands up, revealing he's a giant bulkhead man] Uses a crunchier shell.
Chum Chum: Oh, he's a big one.
Boog: Next, let's talk presentation. About as you certaintly would suffice. No need to genuflect, I'm not a king. But any eye contact is forbidden! Now, run along, ye shall find me beyond the Chimp Chop. [Laughs]
[Boog then bumps into Lemuel's back, he is playing Chimp Chomp]
Boog: [gasp] Chimp Chomp, why is your screen so dark and dungary-like? And why is there a zipper between your buttons?!
Fanboy: Uh, because that's not Chimp Chomp, that's 'Lemuel playing Chimp Chomp.
Boog: [gasp] I'm not sure what a Lemuel is, but nobody! Plays Chimp Chomp! But me!
[Boog taps on Lemuel's back, but he turns around, angrily and growls at him. They begin to face-off against each other]

Fanboy: [to the show's audience] Behold! Two bullies in the wild. Notice - the raised tackles and aggressive posture. When a new alpha male enters the watering hole!
[Boog begins to act like Tarzan. Chimp Chomp beeps]
Chum Chum: The female is showing interest!
Fanboy: Yes, Chum Chum, she'll choose a shooter after the battle is over. Isn't nature beautiful?
[Boog motions for Lemuel to leave. Lemuel growls]
Boog: I'm gonna bop you so -- [Lemuel touches his fist, breaking his entire arm off] Kiji! I-I-I lost my arm and everything! [Lemuel raises his fist] Ahh!
[BOP!]
Lupe: Aye, boppee.

[Boog starts to wake up. F&C loom over him]
Fanboy: [at Chum Chum] See? I told you it was just a coma.
Boog: [After a daze] What am I doing on the floor? I'm supposed to be bopping that guy! [Charges] I'm gonna bop you so bad!
[BOP!]
Lupe: Aye, boppee.

[At the school nurse's office, Boog wakes up on a patient's bed]
Boog: Ugh. What am I doing in this hospital bed?! I'm supposed to be bopping that guy!!
[A school bus drives him back to the Frosty Mart. Boog runs off, Kyle and Chuggy stare at him in awe. Then as he runs into the Mart, Yo and Duke stare at him too]
Boog: I'M GONNA BOP YOU SO BAD!!
[BOP!]
Lupe: Aye, boppee.

[Boog is lying on the ground of a parking lot, surrounded by a chalk outline of him]
Boog: Oh, what am I doing in this white outline?!? I'm supposed to be bopping that guy!!! I'M GONNA BOP YOU SO BAD!!!
Chum Chum: Should we tell him?
Fanboy: He'll be back. Hopscotch? [He has turned Boog's outline into a hopscotch setting]

[Boog gets bopped yet again. He then flies out the door]
Boog: Whoa! [Hits the outline] Oh...ah...oh...I don't get it. Why do I keep waking up in different places?
Fanboy: [throws a rock on his face] Because you're one of us now, Boog! You're a boppee!
Boog: A bop-pee? What's that?
Fanboy: Chum Chum! [Claps while Chum Chum salutes] Visuals!
[Chum Chum brings down a picture of Lemuel bopping Boog]
Fanboy: In life, there are boppers and boppees. Now, a bopper bops. A boppee gets bopped. A bopper bops a boppee, but a boppee cannot bop a bopper. Now, if a bopper gets bopped by a bigger bopper, the bopper stops bopping and becomes a boppee... [keeps talking]
[Boog can't take it]
Boog: To fast for me! [rips the picture] I am no boppee! I am the unboppable, bop-stoppin', bopper! And I'm gonna bop the bop with that bop! Um...
[Boog screams as he flies into the Frosty Mart. Lemuel growls and bops him again, while Boog screams]
Boog: Nonononono, I can't fit inside of the --
[F&C walk up to the door while Boog walks out in a Frosty Freezy Freeze cup]
Boog: Okay, consider this a cry for help. HEEEEEEELLLLLLP!!! [faints]

Boppee Universityyyyyy!

[The Fanlair is transformed into a school]
Fanboy: Welcome to the Boppee Training Academy. Or as we like to call it: "The School of Hard Bops". Everyone, please say hello to our newest boppee, Boog.
Fankylechum/Michael/Yo/Chris Chuggy/Lupe/Chum Chum: Hi, Boog!
Boog: Actually, I'm not really sure if I belong here. You see, I'm really more of a bop-per.
Fanboy: Riiiiiight. Still think you're a bopper? Well, Bop Quiz, hot shot! [As a nerd] I'm just a helpless, dweeb hurring to chess club. [Normal] What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?
Boog: I probably warm up with a couple of noogies, them move onto some twisty burns. [sucks finger] Then finish you off with a double dip poodle doodle.
Fanboy: I invite you to try.

[Boog laughs as Fanboy sheds his disguise]
Boog: [walks up to Fanboy, readies his fist and constantly bops his face] Bop! Huh? Bop! Hmm? Bop! Huh? Bop! Geez, I don't understand. Why isn't my poodle doodling? Like a doodle should?
Fanboy: Stop trying to poodle me and POODLE ME!
Boog: Haha! [bops his face constantly] Wha - ? [Bops him making him laugh, then gives up] I'm confused - as to why - this is not working. Ke - bop, bop, bo, bo. It's like - punching a pillow made of - bo - air. [faints]
Fanboy: That's because your strength is useless against me. For I have chosen a path...of weakness.
Boog: Ohhhhh!
[Fanboy presses a remote. A giant fist bops Boog]
Boog: Ow! Dat hurt!
Fanboy: Yes. And it will continue to hurt. until you learn the way of the wimp!

[Scene shifts to the students and Boog marching. F&C monitor this. Fanboy motions to Chum Chum to tell him something]

Chum Chum: You call that slouching?!? My grandmother hutches better than you! Stand up crooked, chest in, eyes down! Now, drop and give me two and a half push-ups!

(Song: The Bop Song)

Ah, you can bop-bop-bop, bop-bop-a-rama, you can bop them nerd, bop em a banana
You can boodle-doodle, when you noodle, but I clean my clock and I can dance in papoodle
Never bop-bop-bop, bop-bop-a-rama, never bop-bop-bop, bop-bop-bop-bop-bop around

You can bop-bop-bopabop all over the face, never bang their hands all over in the top of the face
You can bop-bop-bop, bop em like a member, now I'll let em by me and I'll make them super member
Never bop-bop-bop, bop-bop-bop em again (and nobody stop them)

A-ba-ba-bop-bop-bop, bop-bop a doodle, buh-buh-buh-buh-buh, buh-buh-buh badoodle
Buh-buh-nuh-nuh-nuh, nuh-nuh-nuh nuhdoodle, a-ba-ba-bop-bop-bop, bop-bop a doodle
Buh-buh-foo-fah-foh, foo-fap-fadoodle, ah-ah-ee-ee-ah, ah-oh-ah-aoodle
Ah-ah-bee-bee-buh, buh-buh-baboodle, buda-buh-buh-buh, buh-buh-buh-baa!

[Scene shifts back to the Frosty Mart. Boog is dressed as a nerd]
Fanboy: Ah, your first day as a boppee, Boog. How exciting!
[The three peek into the window and spy Lemuel playing Chimp Chomp]
Fanboy: Here's what I'm thinking. [They leave the window] We'll let Lemuel bop us for an hour, maybe two, say how he's feeling. Then, when he's icing down his fists, we get to play Chimp Chomp for two minutes!
Boog: All that for only two minutes?!?
Chum Chum: Yeah. But with broken fingers, it feels like twenty! You'll see!

[Boog approaches Lemuel, with F&C trailing him]
Fanboy: Oh, hi, Lemuel. Nice to see you. Just a friendly heads-up, [Lemuel turns around] Boog here will be joining us together on the receiving end of your fists.
Chum Chum: Boog? Isn't there something you wanna say?
Boog: I - wanna be - punched.
Fanboy: Well then, shall we begin?
[Lemuel laughs and punches Boog's head, releasing a "BOP!" cloud into the sky]
Lupe: Aye, boppee.

[A twisted F&C fall back and hit a trash can with Boog in it]
Fanboy: This is going well.
Boog: [pokes out of the trash can] Going well?! I can't take this! I'm not like you boys! I've got too much - I don't know, dignity. [falls out of the trash can]
Chum Chum: Nonsense, you look completely weak and pathetic. Don't be so hard on yourself.
Fanboy: Yeah, let Lemuel do that.
Boog: I'm sorry, [sheds his nerd look] my boppee journey ends right here. I have to go.
Chum Chum: But - but - what about Chimp Chomp? You love that machine.
Boog: With every inch of my bruised body.
Chum Chum: Then, isn't she worth, not guiding for?
Fanboy: Come on, don't you wanna show that bully who's boss?
Boog: [stares at Lemuel] Would I really wanna do...is BOP THE MOP RIGHT OFF HIS TOP!
Chum Chum: But you can't. remember our motto. Boppers bop...
Boog: I know. And boppees get bopped. Yeah! That's right! I can't bop that guy, but I can bop a boppee. Remember that technique you had for taking a boot?
Chum Chum: Remember it? We invented it!
Boog: Do you mind showing me again? One last time?

[Fanboy throws Chum Chum up in the air and he sucks his body in. Fanboy then catches Chum Chum and holds onto him. Boog kicks Chum Chum. Shouting, Chum Chum hits the wall and bounces into Lemuel, knocking him to the ground headfirst]
Boog: Sweet! And what was that technique for surviving a wedgie?
Fanboy: Clench and wiggle!
[Boog spins Fanboy around and throws him. Shouting, Fanboy knocks Lemuel onto his back]
Boog: Beautiful!
[For a moment, Lemuel is dazed, then he stands up in a godzilla-esque sort of way]
Boog: Prepare to taste my nerdchucks.
[He holds up F&C foot to foot, spins and flips them around and throws them at a charging Lemuel. They hit him, knocking him out the door. Lemuel gets sad and begins crying]
Boog: That's right! The big bopper is back on topper! [laughs] I'm even rhyming again. [laughs]

[Chimp Chomp beeps]
Boog: Chimp Chomp! Oh, Chimp Chomp, my Chimp Chomp, hold me and never let me go. [hugs the machine]
Chum Chum: Hey, where's Lemuel? This place is a mess.
[The door opens, Lenny returns]
Lenny: Good news! All my organs require transplants!
Boog: Oh, Lenny. You're back. Hey, if I don't get a burrito in ten seconds, you're gonna need a hand transplant.
Lenny: Wait, where's Lemuel?
[Lemuel runs down the street, crying]
Lenny: Wait! Lemuel! Come back!

[Back in the mart, Boog proceeds to continue playing Chimp Chomp]
Boog: [laughing]
Fanboy: Boy. I thought Boog was getting the hang of it. But he didn't learn anything! And neither did I. [At the audience] And neither did you. [He and Chum Chum wave] Goodbye, everybody!

The less you know

Previous:
"Tooth or Scare"
Transcripts Next:
"Present Not Accounted For"

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