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Sigmund the Sorcerer/Transcript

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Return to "Sigmund the Sorcerer".

[Opens showing a close-up of a picture of Sigmund.]
Fanboy: [offscreen] Oh, man! [Zoom out framing him and Chum Chum. The picture turned out to be an ad that Sigmund the Sorcerer is in town] I can't believe we're actually gonna meet...Sigmund, the Sorcerer!
Chum Chum: I hope he does lots of sorcerer-y and magic-ic. [As he says this, he waves his hand over his face making a clown nose appear like magic. He does it again, and his normal nose returns]
[Show everyone outside Tricks & Giggles. There is a banner depicting the event. Suddenly, Kyle walks by]
Kyle: This is a very long queue for the novelty shop. What are they, giving out free samples of fake doo-doo? [giggles]
Oz: Uh, apparently, you're getting your news from somewhere other than my blog. We are waiting for the most legendary tween wizard of all time...
Fanboy: Sigmund, the Sorcerer.
Chum Chum: A magic-ician.
Kyle: [frantic] Sigmund?! Here?! That gives me just enough time to disappear!

[Kyle turns around and runs away. Suddenly, thunder goes off, making him halt. A portal opens up, releasing pink smoke. A cloud version of Sigmund stands in front of Kyle. The crowd is amazed.]
Oz: It's him, It's him!
Cloud Sigmund: Wrong! Ze real Sigmund is over zere.
[In a puff of smoke, the real Sigmund appears. The mob turns around and sees him, floating above the ground]
Oz: It's him, it's him!
Sigmund: You've been dazzled...by Sigmund ze Sorcerer!
[Everyone gasps]
Oz: Ok, my mind is SERIOUSLY freaked! [As a result, his brain screams inside his head and faints]
Cloud Sigmund: Zank you, zank you. You're too kind.
Sigmund: Qwit showboating! Vwait for me in the trailer! [Uses a fan to blow his cloud twin away] Now, Sigmund vwill be available for ze signing uf ze DVDs und officially licensed merchan-dazzle!
[As he says this, he poofs up various knickknacks resembling him as different things. Everyone runs up to greet him, except Kyle]

Kyle: [Mocking Sigmund] Ooh, Sigmund the Sorcerer. He's even more full of himself than when we were at Milkweed Academy together.
[Surprised, Fanboy and Chum Chum come out of the mob and greet Kyle]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: [gasp] You know Sigmund?
Kyle: I'm afraid so. And let me tell you...
[They use Kyle to knock the crowd out of the way and put him in front of Sigmund]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: [Simultaneously] Watch out! Coming through! Coming here the wrong way! A-list coming through! That's you! Move, sister!
Kyle: [over] All he ever cared about was showing me up. He is an inseperable shaw. He means...
[Now there is no crowd]
Kyle: [With his eyes closed] ...only to make others feel bad about themselves. And I hope to never, lay eyes upon him again! [Chum Chum pulls his eyelids open] Hello. Oh, look who it is. [giggles] Oh. [Knocks the boys off his head] Hello Sigmund.

Sigmund: Vell, it isn't Kyle ze Constipater. [giggles]
Kyle: You know perfectly well it's Kyle the Conjurer!
[F&C clear their throats]
Fanboy: [singsong] Kyle, introduce us. [puts on a cheesy smile]
Kyle: Oh, this is -
[F&C cut Kyle off and introduce them to Sigmund. Sigmund isn't pleased]
Fanboy: I'm Fanboy! This is Chum Chum. Love your work. We watch your TV show every week! That Halloween Special, you carved a pumpkin with your mind...ohh! We still talk about it!
Chum Chum: Could I...get your autograph?
Sigmund: You already have it! Check ze insides of your eyelids.
Chum Chum: [closes eyes to see Sigmund's autograph] Ooh whoa! I'll never open my eyes again.
[He walks offscreen. Suddenly, he bangs into something, and a tire bounces past the others]

Sigmund: So, Kyle, what have you been up to since you were kicked out of the Milkweed Academy for Wizards?
Kyle: Ooh, where to start? Well, um, I've had...many remarkable achievements.
Chum Chum: Yeah! He's the first one to be hung from the flagpole by his braces!
[Flashback to Kyle with his braces hooked on a flagpole hook]
Fanboy: [voiceover] Which was great, because we were already up there hanging from our underwear.
[End of flashback]
Fanboy: I think that's the day we became best friends. Well, three days.
Sigmund: [sarcastic laugh] Friends, ha, such happy for you. Say, Kyle, I'd love to catch up. Shall we say, dinner at your place?
Kyle: I don't think my place is a good idea, it's a bit cramped. [Realizes what he said, and fakes it] I mean, with trophies and accolades, engraved platters and such.
Sigmund: 6 o' clock it is! Dazzle you later!

[Sigmund disappears in a cloud of pink sparkles. Fanboy and Chum Chum play with them. We now zoom in on a worried Kyle as the background dissolves to his place]

Chum Chum: Hey, Kyle, we're ready to hang up the banner.
Fanboy: Will your famous friend be coming through the door, or does he prefer to materialize in the center of the room?
Kyle: He is not my friend! All he ever cared about was showing me up! I remember one time at Milkweed, it was my birthday.
[Flashback to Milkweed Academy, set at one of Kyle's birthday parties]
Kyle: [voiceover] I invited all my school chums to my party, and Sigmund the Stinker threw a party on the same day - [Fireworks go off from the moon while the other wizards are heard cheering in the distance]on the moon! [The wizards continue to cheer while they spell out "HAPPY WEDNESDAY, SIGMUND!" in the sky. Kyle shrugs angrily]
[End of flashback]
Chum Chum: It's okay, Kyle, you'll have other birthdays.
Kyle: I just did. Yesterday. [F&C are upset] And now he'll come here and see that I'm nobody and I have nothing!
Fanboy: [laughs] Don't be silly, you have us.
Kyle: How did you get in here?
[A horn honks, startling the main 3]
Fanboy: [gasp] That's him!
Kyle: Wait! [Blocks the door, which is nailed up] He's going to show me up again. I just can't survive that.
Chum Chum: Maybe we can help you.
Fanboy: Mm-hmm.
Kyle: [to himself] Oh, Kyle, I guess you really are that desperate.

[Scene shifts outside. Kyle walks out the door and sees Sigmund on his griffin]
Kyle: Ah, Sigmund. You're early and you have your own griffin.
Sigmund: It's the new F class. The F is for "Ferocious".
Kyle: Yes, well, I'll just have my two elf assisants park it for you.
[F&C stand at the door and salute. They are wearing elf hats]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Yes, Master Kyle, Right away.
Fanboy: I'm driving.
Sigmund: You have elves to valet my griffins, zat's...unexpected.
Kyle: What's sort of successful wizard would I be, if I didn't have elf assistants?
Sigmund: Hmm. [going up the stairs] Well, I hope they know how to drive schtick.

[They walk inside while F&C try to handle the griffin. Cut to Kyle's living room]

Sigmund: Oh, Kyle, what a great little hovel! [Sits on Kyle's sofa] So tell me. Vhy did you choose to live in squalor?
Kyle: Yes, Why did I choose such a shabby dump? [Sees F&C out the window and closes the blinds] Oh, because it was chosen for me by the Young Wizards' Fellowship Grant, Which I won.
Sigmund: Really? I happen to be the chair for The Young Wizards' Fellowship Board and I doooon't remember selecting you.
Necronomicon: [Floats by, excitedly] Ohhhh! Sigmund the Sorcerer! Ooh, I've read all your spells, Could you sign my back flap?
Kyle: Uh, Necronomicon? Behave yourself!
Sigmund: It's understandable. He's never seen a real wizard before, hmmm?
Necronomicon: Oh, thank you, thank you, You know, my cousin is screenplay.
Kyle: [Off camera, grabs him] That's quite enough!
[He throws Necronomicon out of the scene. F&C come in]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Griffin's parked, Master Kyle!
Sigmund: Oh! It's about time! I'm famished! Kyle! Have your elves conjure us some dinner. Something simple, mmm...blackened pheasant under glass.
Kyle: You know, my elves prepare an exquisite tin of beans.
Fanboy: He wants blackened pheasant? [whispering into Kyle's ear] What luck, We parked the griffin next to a flock of pigeons.

[Kyle is surprised. Cut to the dining room. Fanboy places a large covered plate in front of Sigmund, then lifts the top off, revealing a small blackened pheasant]

Sigmund: Oh, baby pheasant! How unexpectedly posh. I suppose I could force it down. [opens mouth wider with each word] Ah. Ah-ha! AH-HA!
Kyle: What are...you...doing?
Sigmund: Why is my dinner not serving itself to me?! Your house is enchanted, is it not?
Kyle: En...chanted?
Sigmund: Yeah, enchanted! Teapots that pour their own tea, napkins that jump into your lap, knives that cut without you holds them, ENCHANTED!!!
Chum Chum: Poor Kyle. We got to enchant things up around here.
Fanboy: Oh, I think I got an idea.
Kyle: [sadly] Well, I suppose I could just...cut and feed your food to you.
[Suddenly, the pheasant jumps up and moves by itself. Their eyes widen in surprise]
Fanboy: [British accent] I'll take it from here, master Kyle! And I'll carve meself, just like always!
Kyle: [Looks up and sees Fanboy controlling it] Oh my, look at that marvelous, enchanted bird. Why would anyone want to look anywhere else but [Inches Sigmund toward it] THERE?
Fanboy: [British accent] Light or dark meat, governor?
Sigmund: Dark, if you please, with plenty of gravy.
Chum Chum: [Uses a magnet to bring the soup tureen over] Bap, bap. Gravy bowl coming through.
Kyle: Oh, uh, seems to be a bit of a magical mix-up. That's my enchanted [Kicks Chum Chum under the table] soup tureen!
[Chum Chum continues to bring things over until he reaches the gravy]
Kyle: Enchanted butter dish! Enchanted pickle fork! Enchanted braces. There we are. Enchanted gravy. A'hoy! [Rings a dinnerbell]
Sigmund: Well, it seems you have enchanted things after all.
Kyle: Make sure you save room for dessert! I may have a don't-make-your-own sundae bar!

Sigmund: [Pause] You know, Kyle, I must say...I'm very impressed with you.
Kyle: [Sips] Really?
Sigmund: You seem to have it all: Enchanted poultry, charming working-class gravy bowl...
Fanboy: And don't forget his servant -- ahem -- [British accent] And don't forget his servants.
Kyle: I'd be lost without these two.
Sigmund: Lost, huh? [slams hands on the table] Sell them to me!
Kyle: What?
Sigmund: Let's cut right to the schnitzel, I've never been comfortable with the idea of you being happy, soooo...I wish to buy your beloved servants.
Kyle: [pause] Well, well. So, Kyle the Constipater finally has something the great Sigmund wants. Well tough toads, they're not for sale!
Sigmund: [pause] I'll get you readmitted to Milkweed.
Kyle: [surprised] Really?
Sigmund: I'm on the board. [Poofs up a Milkweed application] Hehe.
Kyle: [Takes the application and stares at it] Sold! I'll just go pack, shall I? [exits]
Fanboy: Then that means?
Sigmund: You are Sigmund's new D.I.T.s: Dazzlers In Training!
[F&C are excited]
Chum Chum: I'm gonna do...sorcerery-ry-ry-ry.
Sigmund: Yeah! Vell, shall ve begin your training?
[F&C giggle excitedly, then Sigmund transions the scene]

Kyle: Off to Milkweed, with a suitcase full of dreams and sweater vests. [screech to a halt] What are you doing?!?
Fanboy: We're already helping Sigmund with a trick: The Exploding Assistants!
[Zoom out to show F&C hanging upside down, strapped to dynamite. Below them are a pack of angry bears] Chum Chum: Uh, How much dynamite shall we strapped to ourselves?
Sigmund: Use all of it! Just go crazy!!
Kyle: What exactly is the trick to the Exploding Assistants?
Sigmund: No trick, I explode them. Then I get new ones. [Kyle's eyes go wide] Elf assistants are a dime a dazzle, aren't they? [At F&C] OK, big explosions now und big smiles!

[Kyle pauses for a moment, then realizes that he was tricked. His eyes get wide as he decides to bite the bullet]
Fanboy: This is gonna be great!
Kyle: No! Wait! Stop! You can't blow them up!
Sigmund: Vhy ever not?
Kyle: They're not...really elves...or assistants. They're just...my friends.
Sigmund: [chaotic laugh] Oh, really?
Kyle: Yes, I'm nothing! I have no money or fans or officially licensed merchan-dazzle. So you win Sigmund, you're better than me. [Sticks out tongue in disgust] Umm!
Sigmund: [snickers] Pathetic. Kyle, zis has been such a vonderfall evening. I leave now.
Kyle: So...see you at Milkweed?
Sigmund: [Returning to his old mean self] Aw, you are Kyle the Constipator to thee end! You push, und push, und all for nothing! [snickers] You've! Been! Dazzled!

[Sigmund disappears in a cloud of sparkles. The bears also disappear. Kyle leans forward in sadness as F&C come down]

Fanboy: Oh, don't feel bad, Kyle. You still have your friends.
Kyle: Yes, I suppose I am a winner after all.
Chum Chum: Group hug!
[Smiling, Kyle hugs the two still hanging upside down with dynamite. One second later, he quickly realizes something as his smile fades away. Then, there is an explosion off screen with the words "THE END" as a result]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: [voiceover] You've been dazzled!
[The "T" falls off the title]
Kyle: [voiceover] You make it so difficult.

Previous:
"Fanboy in the Plastic Bubble"
Transcripts Next:
"Fanboy A'Hoy!"

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