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Return to "Secret Club".

[Episode opens on a curb where Yo, Lupe, Janitor Poopatine, Agent Johnson, Oz, Benjamin, Duke and the Secret Shopper are strolling. Suddenly, there's rumbling as two speakers rise out of the ground. Fanboy and Chum Chum are standing on the speakers with guitars, ready to perform]
(Song: Super Awesome Club)
[intro]

Fanboy and Chum Chum: Fanboy and Chum Chum Super Awesome Club
Of awesomeness!
For everyone who's awesome
Or wants to be!

Fanboy: Tigers and lightning
Chum Chum: Thunder and lions
Fanboy: Vampire zombies
Chum Chum: Stuff for girls

Fanboy: You can be awesome
If you join our club!
Chum Chum: So, sign up now!
Fanboy: But even if you don't...
Fanboy and Chum Chum: You're still in!!!
Fanboy: Aah!

[guitar solo]

Fanboy and Chum Chum: Join now!

Fanboy: Huh?
Chum Chum: Huh?
[Everybody has suddenly disappeared]
Fanboy: Where did everyone go? People should be rushing to the stage to join our club. I'm beginning to think we didn't need a bouncer.
[Lemuel takes back their guitars and presses a remote, sending the speakers back into the ground]
Lemuel: You're still gettin' charged! [hands them a bill]

Fanboy: I just don't understand. I mean, why wouldn't people want to join our Super Awesome Club?
Retchy: Maybe it's because they're already in a club.
[Retchy crawls onto the bill]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: AHH! DIRTY KID!
Fanboy: Wait a minute. That's not scary. It's confusing, we haven't heard of any club.
Retchy: [pause] That's because it's a SECRET CLUB!
Fanboy and Chum Chum: AHH! A SECRET CLUB?!? [pause]
Fanboy: Wait, that's not scary either. That actually sounds amazing!
Chum Chum: You say it's a secret?
Retchy: A Secret Club!
Fanboy: A Secret Club?
Retchy: A Secret Club.
Retchy: [slowly] A Secret Club. [normal] But I've said too much! Three times!
[horror sting]

Fanboy: You gotta tell us how to join!
Retchy: [grunts] I dare not!
Chum Chum: But we're the perfect members! We love all things secret. Secret handshakes... [he and Chum Chum do a secret handshake]
Chum Chum: Secret doors...
[They fall through a trapdoor and come out of an unknown door next to Retchy]
Fanboy: Secret codes! [performs an odd face code]
Chum Chum: [laughing] Oh, man. Sorry! Secret inside joke! Haha!
Fanboy: You have to let us into the Secret Club! We'll even bring our Secret Club sandwich with secret sauce!
Chum Chum: [whispering] The secret to the secret sauce is club soda.
Retchy: You don't understand! The first rule of Secret Club is you don't talk about Secret Club.
Fanboy: Perfect, we're great at keeping secrets.
Retchy: I don't know, what's in it for me?
Fanboy: If you tell us the location of the Secret Club, we'll show you the greatest, most amazing, most "blublblrblest" secret...IN THE WORLLLLL-DA.
Retchy: And...what might that be?
Chum Chum: ONLY our secret identities!
[F&C grab a hold of their masks. Cut to Retchy as a stretching sound is heard. Suddenly, gold light shines]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: TA-DA!
[Zoom out to show F&C do not have their masks on. Only the backs of their heads are seen during this moment]
Retchy: [crying] IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL! IT'S LIKE AN ANGEL IS KISSING MY EYEBALLS WITH ITS GINGERBREAD LIPS! [gasps repeatedly] Okay, I give in. I'll tell ya.
[The light goes away as F&C put their masks back on]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: YEAH? YEAH?!
Retchy: [spooky] The Secret Club is located at -- [a plunger hits his mouth] Fibindebeh!
Fanboy: [gasp] Where did that come from?
Chum Chum: Up there!
[His perspective, Chuggy on the roof of a building, armed with a bow]
Chris Chuggy: [evily] Waaaah!
Chum Chum: [gasp] Chuggy! He must be in on the Secret Club!
Fanboy: Let's get him!

[Chuggy begins hopping from building to building as F&C chase him. He lands on the street where F&C find him. They chase him, only to stop]
Chum Chum: Where'd he go?
Chris Chuggy: [faintly] Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Huh?
[Chuggy is running down a curb]
Fanboy: Get back here, Chuggy!
[Chuggy is heard running behind them]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Huh?
Fanboy: Huh?
Chum Chum: There he goes!
[They run into an alleyway]
Fanboy: Aha, gotcha now!
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?
Chum Chum: Hmm...
Fanboy: Huh. That's weird. Where could he have gone?
[They feel the wall]
Chum Chum: Hmm, it's just a solid wall! Except for this conspicuous bookshelf.
[Chum Chum goes over to the bookshelf and cranks the book]
Fanboy: Huh, I was sure that would open a trap --
[A trapdoor opens below F&C and they fall in screaming]
[Cut to F&C falling]
Fanboy: I WAS RIGHT IN A WAY I DIDN'T EXPECT!
Fanboy and Chum Chum: AHH! [hit ground] Ooh, ugh!
[Chuggy runs past]

Fanboy: Ugh, where are we?
Chum Chum: I'm in front of Boog's feet.
Fanboy: I'm in front of Boog's feet, too.
Chum Chum: Wait, how can that be?
[F&C look up to see two Boogs]
Boogs: Hello, dweebs!
Fanboy and Chum Chum: DAAAAAH!
Boog 1: Before you are two identical doors.
Boog 2: One of them leads to the Secret Club.
Boog 1: In front of one, stands a Boog who always lies.
Fanboy: Yeah yeah, and in front of the other stands a Boog who always tells the truth.
Boog 2: Yeah, you know, I thought that too, but no! It's just another Boog who always lies, and then bops you!
Fanboy: Okay... [at Boog 1] Are you the Boog who only lies?
[Boog 1 bops F&C and laughs]
Chum Chum: [at Boog 2] Okay, then...you must be the Boog who only lies.
[Boog 2 bops F&C and chuckles]
Chum Chum: I thought you said only one of you bops.
Boog 2: We lied!
Boog 1: And bopped!
Fanboy: But how are we supposed to --
Boog 1: Bop!
Chum Chum: So then, which door --
Boog 2: Bop!
Fanboy: Wait, if I could just ask you --
Boog 1: Bop!
Chum Chum: How about a little more lying and a little less bopping?
Boog 2: Bop!
Fanboy: I could use a really long lie right now to catch my breath.
Boog 1: Bop!
[Their perspective, as the Boogs laugh, the doors and the Boogs mold together into one]
Boog: ...Bop, yeah. Bop.
Fanboy: Hey! Why don't we just go through this one?
Boog: Allow me, sir. [opens door]
Chum Chum: Why thank you, Boog.
Boog: No problem! Oh, by the way, there's two more of me on the other side.
Fanboy: Oh-ho, I get it. You're lying!
Boog: No, that one was true!
[The two other Boogs pull Fanboy in. Boog closes the door and F&C get bopped]
Boog: Pleasure boppin' you! Come again!

[F&C wind up in a strange room where everything is upside-down]
Fanboy: There's something weird about this place...
Chum Chum: Kyle!
[Wizard sting, we see Kyle sitting in an upside-down chair]
Kyle: Welcome.
Fanboy: Wow, the way to this Secret Club is crazy! They even have an upside-down room!
Kyle: No they don't, you ninnies! You're just on the ceiling.
[Pause, F&C fall to the actual floor and the room turns right-side up. F&C straighten themselves out]
Kyle: Welcome to my parlor. Can I interest you in some tea or some crumpets?
Fanboy: Ohhh, okay. We've seen this movie. We eat the crumpets, we shrink, we fit into the tiny door, and we are in the Secret Club.
[F&C take the crumpets off Kyle's tray. Fanboy eats some]
Fanboy: You shrinking, Chum?
Chum Chum: [eats crumpets] If anything, I'm getting bigger.
[Fanboy proceeds to feed Chum Chum the tea]
Kyle: No, no, no. There's no Trick Crumpets here. There's just an ordinary door with a secret password. Okay? Okay.
Fanboy: [slightly annoyed] Riiiiight, ordinary door in an upside-down room. Puh! I don't think so, Kyle! No, there must be something around here we can eat that'll shrink us!
Chum Chum: How about this hassock? [eats it]
Kyle: Stop! No! Stop! That's an antique! Look, I'll just tell you the password. It's actually...password.
Fanboy: Quiet, Kyle! We are trying to find something that'll shrink us! [eats a book]
[Chum Chum eats a chair cushion]
Kyle: No! Put that down!
[Fanboy eats a self portrait of Kyle]
Kyle: That's a family heirloom!
[Chum Chum eats the bird in a cuckoo clock]
Kyle: Stop! No!
[Fanboy eats a couch cushion]
Fanboy: Mm. Mm, mm, mm, mm. Chum Chum, you have to try these cushions.
Chum Chum: [eats a picture of fruit] Ugh! [spits] Think the fruit in this painting's gone bad.
[Kyle opens a door at the end of the room]
Kyle: I have the door open for you. You can just waltz right on through, no inconvenience -- oh, please, no, that's real silver! [sees F&C about to eat a statue of him] Please -- ENOUGH!
[He zaps them, and throws them out the door. He also takes back his statue]
Fanboy: Hey-hey, we fit through the door now!
Chum Chum: Have fun in your upside-down room!
[Kyle slams the door shut]
Kyle: Upside-down room? Of all the nincompoopery. [hits ceiling] Ohhhhh!

[In a strange looking cave...]
Fanboy: Man, Chum Chum. This Secret Club must be totally awesome.
Chum Chum: Yeah! I can't wait!
Fanboy: [sees a laser] What's this laser doing here? Oh, well. [he and Chum Chum walk under it]
Chum Chum: Do you think they have a secret password? Like "macaroni"?
[The head of the giant Mechatech F&C have walked under turns around]
Mechatech: Perimeter breached. Intruders detected. Terminate intruders.
Fanboy and Chum Chum: [gasp]
Mechatech: You are in an unauthorized zone.
Fanboy: Oh, no! Look!
Chum Chum: Run for it!
[They start running]
Mechatech: Cease movement or face termination. Termination imminent.
[The Mechatech chases after Fanboy and Chum Chum, who run]
Mechatech: Prepare to be terminated.
[The Mechatech launches its left arm at F&C, pushing them along with it]
Mechatech: Termination incomplete.
Fanboy and Chum Chum: DAAAAHH!!
Mechatech: Initiation phase two termination.
[The fist begins to bounce]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: WAAAHHH!
Chum Chum: Oh, no!
[The fist runs after them. It soon lands in front of them but they run under it. F&C slam into a door in the wall]
Fanboy: [trying to open the door] UHHHHH!! It's not opening!
Chum Chum: Say "macaroni"! Say "macaroni"!
Fanboy and Chum Chum: YAH!
[Cut to the other side of the door. We are in the Fanlair, the lights are out. The trapdoor bangs, then F&C barge through it and slam it shut]

Agent Johnson: Welcome, fellow members.
Fanboy: Huh?
[They see everyone from earlier sitting at a table]
Fanboy: [jumps into the table's spotlight] Aha! We found it! [the lights go on] We KNEW there was a Secret Club! HA...AH!
Chum Chum: How DARE you have a Secret Club and not invite us?!
Fanboy: Ah, ah, ah, and in our own -- FANLAIR no less! YOU OUGHTA BE ASHAMED!
Chum Chum: Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Benjamin: Of course it's in the Fanlair. It's your Secret Club!
Fanboy and Chum Chum: [pause] Our Secret Club?
[Two "HOPE" posters drop. One reads "Hope you join" and the other says "Change your underwear"]
Chum Chum: Oh, awkward.
Fanboy: Uh -- uh, but -- why didn't anyone tell us?
Retchy: It's the first rule of Secret Club. Don't talk about Secret -- [a plunger hits his mouth] Fibindebeh! Oh, I see. It's a rule on the inside as well.
Fanboy: Told you we're the best at keeping secrets! We started a club so secret, even we didn't know about it!
Chum Chum: Yeah! Here's to our Secret Club!
Everyone: SECRET CLUB! [plungers hits mouths] Fibindebeh!
Chris Chuggy: [evily] Waaaah!

Previous:
"Attack of the Clones"
Transcripts Next:
TBA

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