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Return to "Saving Private Chum Chum".

[Scene opens up showing a diagonal view of the school. Clock ticking is heard in the background. We cut to a close-up of the classroom clock, then an overview of a class of bored students. Hank is not there yet. On F&C, who are waiting impatiently. Chum Chum tugs on his lip while Fanboy looks around]

Fanboy: [looks back and forth] Uh, has anyone seen Mr. Mufflin?
[No reply as we see Hank's desk while crickets chirp in the background]
Chum Chum: Maybe he accidently locked himself in his truck again.
Fanboy: [points] Ah!
[Suddenly, the door opens, and Hank walks in followed by smoke. He is wearing dark shades. He turns to the students]
Everyone: Gah!
Hank: [walks forward with his arms out] Just gotta find my desk. [bangs into a coat rack] Ag! Ee! [trips over a trash can] Eh!
Fanboy: Uh, Mr. Mufflin? Are you okay?
Hank: [pulls himself up while holding the blackboard] Oh, I'm gonna be. As you may not have known, I've suffered from poor vision, but I just got laser eye surgery from that discount medical man from out at the docks. Now, I am gonna see every last little thing you monsters get up to! [Tries to sit down in his chair, but flops to the ground] Chair's lower than I remembered.

Fanboy: [gasp] Mr. Mufflin can't see!
Chum Chum: [to everyone] You know what that means!
[Everyone opens their desks and takes out handfuls of toys]
Everyone: TOYS!
Yo: [Takes out Scampers and plays with him] Hahahaha! Hm! Ooh! Hehe.
Kyle: [opens his Lil' Warlock Kit] Huzzah! Toys!
Fankylechum: [wearing a pair of spy goggles] Free day! Free day! Chase!
Duke: [Riding a skateboard up a ramp in the background] Whoa! Whoa! Wahoo!
Chris Chuggy/Michael Johnson: [playing with ninjas] Hi-ya! Hehe! Oohoo!

[At F&C's desks, F&C are digging around for toys]
Fanboy: Toys, toys, toys!
Chum Chum: Toys, toys, dig toys!
[They get out of their desks, holding a yo-yo and paddle ball respectively]
Fanboy: Okay, Chum Chum. Here comes a yo-yo blast! [swings out yo-yo, but misses him]
Chum Chum: Oh, yeah? Taste my paddle ball fury! Hi-ya! [jumps out and releases the ball out, but it comes back and hits himself instead. He flops to the ground]
Fanboy: [pause] Ah, hahaha!
Chum Chum: Ha ha!

[On Hank. His watch beeps and he turns it off]
Hank: Ah, I can finally take off these sunglasses. [takes off glasses. His eyes repeatedly dilate and shrink. He suddenly hears laughter from the kids] Hmm?
[His perspective. For a moment, the screen is blurry, then it gets clear to show everyone playing with toys. Yo is seen playing with Scampers. Duke is seen plonking a wheel on his skateboard. Chuggy is seen banging his ninjas together. Hank is furious]
Hank: TOYS?!?!? [to the kids] Great Caesar's go-cart! You all know the rules!
[On Yo, playing with Scampers. Hank takes him out of Yo's hands]
Yo: [gasp]
Hank: NO TOYS IN CLASS!
Yo: [frantic] Scampers!
[On Kyle, playing with his Lil' Warlock Kit. Hank pops up from the little cauldron]
Kyle: [gasp]
Hank: [takes the toy wand] Give me that toy stick. [Goes back into the cauldron, which disappears]
Kyle: Oh.
Hank: [takes Chuggy and Michael's ninjas] No toys. [Peeks from a desk and takes Fankylechum's goggles] No toys.
Lupe: [juggles and sings a circus tune]
Hank: [takes the juggling toys, but hands back the axe] Oh, not a toy. Knock yourself out.

[Fanboy and Chum Chum peek behind Chum Chum's open desk of toys, moaning and quivering]
Hank: Ah. [sees a firetruck] Get back here, you toy!
Fanboy: Our toys! We got to hide them.
Chum Chum: [gets bonked by Fanboy's yo-yo] Yipe.
[Fanboy puts a hump of toys in his desk and struggles to close it]
Fanboy: [grunting] Hurry, hurry, hurry!
[They close it, but a ball flies out. It hits the blackboard, then the celing fan, and flies right into Chum Chum's mouth, knocking him back]
Fanboy: Ball!
[Chum Chum flies all over the classroom, Hank notices him]
Hank: Ooh!
[Chum Chum hits Fanboy, knocking him to the ground]

Fanboy: Are you okay? [Squeezes Chum Chum, letting out squeaks. He is unable to talk, due to the ball stuck in his throat] Ah! Don't worry, buddy, I'll get it out. [Bonks Chum Chum on the floor, just in time to see Hank angry at him]
Hank: Didn't you hear what I said?
Fanboy: Toys in class? Uhh, you don't have to tell us. We frown on that sort of thing. Don't we, Chum Chum? [bounces and squeaks Chum Chum]
Hank: Then what's that you're holding?
Fanboy: Huh? This is Chum Chum. He's been in your grade for the last five years?
Hank: [sniffs] Aha! Just as I suspected. [takes Chum Chum and bounces him] A toy!
Fanboy: Huh? Chum Chum!
Hank: [Throws him into the drawer with toys on his desk] Boom, shacka-lacka! [evily] Don't worry. You'll all get your toys, at the end of the year! [closes desk]
All but Fanboy: [gasping]
Fanboy: [whimpers] Chum Chum. Hmm! Mmm-hmm!

[The scene zooms to Fanboy's face, anger flashing in his eyes. The background behind him dissolves to the cafeteria. Pull out to show Fanboy standing on the table, and some of his friends are listening to his indignant speech]

Fanboy: Mr. Mufflin's gone too far this time, and I for one am not gonna stand for it! We're gonna show Mr. Mufflin we're not gonna take it anymore!! Who's with me?
[No one responds. Coughing is heard in the background]
Lupe: They're just toys, we can get more.
Fanboy: Forget the toys, my! Best! Friend is in that drawer!
Yo: We all lost best friends. I lost my digital pet cat Scampers. [takes out a Yamagutchi] Isn't that right, New Scampers?
Fanboy: You do realize that Chum Chum is in that desk.
[Yo is petrified. The scene zooms to a close-up of Yo's face. She has Chum Chums in her eyes]
Yo: Chum Chum?!? On your feet, MAGGOTS!
[As she says this, zoom out to show her in front of everyone else. Everyone on the bench stands up]
Fanboy: Uhh, thanks, Yo. [Yo does a military salute] You heard her! If there's one thing we learned back in basic algebra: Leave no remainders!
Lupe/Fankylechum/Kyle/Chris Chuggy/Duke: NO REMAINDERS!!!
Fankylechum: And carry the 1?
Fanboy: We're gonna carry the 1 back home.
[A flag appears in the background behind the rescue team, playing patriotic music]

[That night, Russ empties a wastebasket. He looks around the room just before shutting the door and turning the light out. Fanboy comes out of a desk and looks back and forth]
Fanboy: [whispering] All clear.
[Kyle, Chuggy, Michael, Duke and Yo all pop out of desks. Suddenly, something reaches Fanboy's ears as he gives a hand signal to close the desks and hide]
Everyone: [gasp]
[Hank comes in, brushing his teeth and singing]
Hank: Up, down, up, down, side, side, side
Down, up, down, up, side, side, side [gurgles, then spits]
Fanboy: What's Mr. Mufflin still doing here?
Hank: [sighs] Time for a little shut-eye. [opens his desk revealing a bed]
Yo: Mr. Mufflin lives in his desk?!?
Hank: [fluffs pillow] Egyptian cotton. Nothing better.
Kyle: Now, what are we going to do?
Fanboy: We'll wait him out. He's got to go to sleep sometime. [closes desk]

[Some time later...]
Chris Chuggy: [snore] Wah. [snore] Wah.
Hank: Ha ha! [He has set up a cover to stop anyone from looking at him while he plays ninjas] Your days of ninja-ing are over, 'cause I am Hank Mufflin, the human bat! [screeching]
Duke: Those are our toys, man! And that man's playing with them, man!
Yo: Nobody can take my Scampers!
Fanboy: I know how hard it is to look at that. It tears you up inside. But we still got a man behind enemy lines. Think about what he's going through.
[Briefly, we see Chum Chum in the desk playing with a paddle ball]
Fanboy: Now, if we're gonna see his little dog face again, we gotta get Mr. Mufflin away from that desk drawer. Communications!
Yo: [salutes] Sir!
Fanboy: And...Dutch!
Lupe: [salutes] Si!
Fanboy: We're gonna need a diversion. Now, privates Chowhound, Fresno, and Kyle! Come with me. [leaves]
Kyle: I'd rather hope I'd be "Tex".
Fanboy: Noted. All right, let's move out! [At the camera] And ladies, stay frosty. [sips]

[In Hank's desk...]
Hank: The human bat descends into the darkness! [the phone rings] You've reached the desk of Hank Mufflin, what can I do you for?
Lupe: Eh, hello? Is your refrigerator running?
Hank: As a matter of fact, it is.
Lupe: Then you better go catch it.
Hank: Oh, no! [leaves the desk] Oh, my lunch is in there! [closes the door]
[Fanboy turns to Chuggy, Fankylechum and Kyle and gives them a signal to follow him to the desk. They have no clue what that meant]
Fanboy: Ugh! Follow me.
[They follow him to the desk. Suddenly, a goat comes out]
Fanboy: AHH! G-g-g-g-g goat! [Jumps into Kyle's arms and Chuggy catches the goat in his mouth] Oh, whew. They say you never hear the goat that's got your name on it. I owe you one, Chowhound.
[The goat bleats]

[They reach the desk at last]
Fanboy: It's showtime, Fresno. Let's see those safe cracking skills you learned stateside.
[Fankylechum cracks his knuckles, then after a few resists he opens the drawer]
Fankylechum: Ah! [breaths deeply] I still got it.
[Chuggy is holding a bag while Kyle digs through the drawer]
Kyle: That's everything.
Fanboy: What? [sticks his head in the bag] No, wait, it can't be. [looks in the drawer] Where's Chum Chum? We're not leaving without Chum Chum!
Fankylechum: Sergeant, get down, please.
[A spotlight shines on the wall. This is coming from a flashlight Hank is holding, along with Chum Chum in his other arm]
Hank: Did you hear that, Mr. Squeakles? [squeaks Chum Chum] The Night Monsters are coming again, just like Mommy said they would!
Fanboy: [gasp] He's got Chum Chum! I'm going to get him. [gets blocked by Chuggy]
Chris Chuggy: Wa!
Fanboy: Don't tell me the odds, Chowhound! I'm not leaving without Chum Chum!
Kyle: This is lunacy. We've all recovered our playthings. I say we cut our losses. [Starts to leave with the bag, but trips over a wastebasket. Hank turns around]

[Hank's perspective. Because of his surgery, he sees Kyle as a strange creature with glowing yellow eyes, goat horns and a sea monster's tail]
Hank: Night Monster!
Fanboy/Chris Chuggy/Fankylechum: [gasp]
Kyle: [pause] I'm okay! [a ray blasts near his right foot] AHH! What on earth was that?!?
[Hank comes in and taps on his right eye, which moves to normal position]
Hank: Laser eyes, Night Monster! That's why I got the surgery! [zaps near Kyle's chest]
Kyle: AHHHH! [starts running]
[Hank zaps the desk revealing Fanboy, Fankylechum and Chuggy]
Fanboy/Fankylechum/Chris Chuggy: AHHHH!
Hank: Oh, there's plenty of this for all of you. Want some? Get some! [keeps zapping]
Fanboy: [runs up to a fainted Kyle and carries him over his shoulder] Fall back! Fall back!
Hank: Yah!
Fanboy: Whoa, whoa, falling back.
[Fanboy trips over a desk wall the rest of the team set up. Kyle hits the ground, Fanboy hits him, Fankylechum hits them, and Chuggy hits them all, releasing the goat from his mouth]

Duke: We're in some pretty poop now, Sarge! Game over, man! Game over!
Fanboy: Come on, troops. If we rush him, he can't blast all of us!
Lupe: I say we leave.
[Yo whispers to Michael, playing with her Yamagutchi]
Fanboy: So that's the way it's gonna be, huh? Well, I'll tell you what. [Takes a paddle ball and goggles from Chuggy and Fankylechum] There's a kid out there who never gave up on me. And I'm not gonna give up on him! I'm coming for you, Chum Chum! [activates the goggles and jumps out of the desk fort. He does a battle cry]
Lupe: He is so brave.
[Fanboy continues to battle cry]
Hank: Die, monster boy!
Fankylechum: We must help him. [bites off the head of a Mechatech and throws it] Company, fire!

[The team begins to throw toys at Hank. Fanboy sings Ride of the Valkyries as he jumps toward Hank, while taking off his goggles. He slams the goggles onto Hank's eyes, then takes Chum Chum out of his arm. Hank screams and falls over. Fanboy does a tumble on the floor and holds Chum Chum up]

Fanboy: I got you, buddy! [Hugs Chum Chum] Everything's gonna be all right. [Gives Chum Chum a kiss on the cheek. Chum Chum points toward Hank off camera, who is laughing evily. He stands up and destroys the goggles]
Hank: Did you really think it would be that easy? [laughing]
Fanboy: [sadly] I'm sorry, Chum Chum, I came up a little short this time. But I tell you, if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. [squeaks Chum Chum] I squeak you too, Chum Chum.
[He hugs Chum Chum so hard, the ball in his throat slides up and pops out of his mouth. It suddenly hits Hank, right in the eye sockets]
Hank: Ah! My eyes! [flops to the ground] My beautiful laser eyes! Ah!

[His perspective. He slowly blinks as the kids surround him. Only their silhouettes are visable, but their eyes are seen clearly. The light turns on, revealing their images well]
Hank: Wait a minute, You're not monsters! You're my students trying to get your toys back. You monsters! [walks away]
Chum Chum: I knew you'd save me, Fanboy!
Fanboy: I didn't do it alone, Chum Chum, we did it alone. [Holds him up for everyone to see] Victory!
Everyone: Yay!

Hank: [laughing evilly] You may have won the battle, but I will win the war, for now I truly am Hank Mufflin, [spreads bat wings] the human bat! [the kids stare at him] You know, that medical van will do anything if you slip them an extra $20. [laughs, then flies] I'll be back! [crashes through the window. F&C watch him fly home into the moonlight] And pages 28 through 30 in your algebra textbooks for Monday! [laughing]
Fanboy: There flies a complicated man.

[Hank continues to laugh as he flies away. Iris out, the episode is over.]

Previous:
"Fan-bidextrous"
Transcripts Next:
"Jingle Fever"

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