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Present Not Accounted For/Transcript

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Return to "Present Not Accounted For".

[Scene opens up showing the Fanlair, then Fanboy sleeping in bed. He is snoring when a shadow looms over him. This turns out to be Chum Chum, excitedly smiling into his face]
Chum Chum: [snickers excitedly]
Fanboy: Eh, good morning, Chum Chum. [pull out to show F&C's noses touching] You uh, been here all night?
Chum Chum: Just the last couple hours. Ready to get up, get up, get up, get up, GET UP!!! [as he says this, he happily bounces around finally lifting up Fanboy's bed]
Fanboy: Why so perky this morning, Chum?
Chum Chum: Ha ha ha! Like you don't know that it's my...
[Cuts to Fanboy's perspective of Chum Chum.]
Chum Chum: B to the I to the R-T-H
D to the A to the Y-Y-Y
WHY?!?
CAUSE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!
Fanboy: Well, birthday song. I haven't heard that since the last time it was your birthday... [his skin drains to grey as he moans unthrillingly] it's your birthday... hooray.
Chum Chum: [pauses in shock] You didn't forget, did you?
Fanboy: Forget? [sarcastic laugh] Oh, oh, you kill me. No, how could I forget?
Chum Chum: I knew it! It sounded so silly coming out of my mouth. Cause you would never forget my birthday, and you always get me exactly what I want! [giggles and bounces away]
Fanboy: Ooh, I forgot Chum Chum's birthday! [to his alarm clock] This is your fault. Why didn't you remind me?
Fanboy's alarm: I did. Every day. For a month.
[Flashback to Fanboy in bed while his alarm clock tries to remind him]
Fanboy's alarm: Don't forget -- [gets punched] -- Chum Chum's -- [gets punched] -- birthday -- [gets stomped on] -- stop hitting -- [gets hit by a mallet] -- trying to help -- [gets hit by an anvil]
[End of flashback]
Fanboy: Eh, doesn't ring a bell.
Fanboy's alarm: That's because you broke my bell.
Fanboy: [grimaces for a moment, then...] Oh, I know what I'll do! While Chum Chum's eating breakfast, I'll sneak out and get him a gift.
Chum Chum: [pops out of night table drawer] Ready for school?
Fanboy: [screams like a chimp]

[The screen "breaks" to reveal the school. Inside...]
Fanboy: Now, Chum Chum. Don't be upset if some of your classmates didn't remember your birthday. It doesn't make them bad people.
[Fanboy opens the door, it is dark. Suddenly, a spotlight appears and everyone emerges in their party hats]
Class: Happy Birthday, Chum Chum!
Hank: B to the I to the R-T-H
D to the A to the Y-Y-Y
WHY?!?
CAUSE IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!
[they give Chum Chum a birthday crown and toss him into the air and cheer as he giggles. Fanboy just stands at the door sulky]
Hank: Okay, everyone! Just bring your presents to the front of the class and stack them on my desk. [Duke and Cheech wheelbarrow their presents to Hank's desk] Oh, I love that Talking Raccoon! I hopes he likes my present. [sits at a forklift with a big gift box, and accidently bonks Fanboy to Lupe]

Lupe: Where's your present, Fanboy?
Fanboy: Umm, mine isn't here, because it's in...space. Ha, ha. Space, I names a star after him. I mean, bunch of stars. A whole galaxy! You didn't do that, you know. Note to self: name a galaxy after Chum Chum. Also purchase a portable tape recorder.
Lupe: Yeah, I figured you already got him most of the galaxies, so I just got him this sun. [opens the blinds to reveal a sun with Chum Chum's face on it]
Fanboy: [gasp]
Lupe: He should be able to see it all weekend. The forecast calls for chummy skies on Saturday and Chumday.
[Fanboy burns in the sun and his jaw drops]

Yo: Hey, Fanboy!
Fanboy: AAAHHHH!
Yo: By any chance, did you happen to buy Chum Chum a pair of anti-gravity rocket boots at a top-secret government auction? Hmm?
Fanboy: Uh, no. Did you?
Yo: [flies in the rocket boots disguised as gift boxes attatched to her feet] I'm not authorized to say! [flies away]
Cheech and Michael: [simultaneously] Woo! Yay! Alright!

Fanboy: Aww, everyone got all these amazing gifts but me. [Sees Fankylechum walk by, humming and carrying nuts and bolts in a bucket] Well, at least Fankylechum only got him a bucket of bolts. [hears drilling and buzzing. Suddenly, a robotic dragon driven by Fankylechum approaches him] AAAAAHHHHHH!!!
Fankylechum: [watches as his robot dragon eats the bucket] Ooh, Mecharex, you are hungry. [Watches as Mecharex burns Fanboy, then walks away in it. Fanboy flops to the ground in ashes]

[Fanboy is lying on the floor, burnt and scarred]
Chum Chum (in Fanboy's mind): You always get me exactly what I want. Exactly what I want. Exactly what I want. And also, we're out of toilet paper.
Fanboy: Ugh! I gotta get outta here and find a present without Chum Chum seeing! Think, Fanboy, think! [takes out his brain and puts it on a table] Come on, brain, don't die on me. Don't you die on meeeee! [shocks his brain with remembering bolts] I got it!

[Fanboy goes over to Chum Chum, who is about to open a gift, and blindfolds him]
Chum Chum: Ooh, my favorite game, Pin the Tail on the Donkey!
Fanboy: Pin the Tail on the -- eh, that'll work, too. [spins Chum Chum around, then throws him far away] That should buy me enough time to find chum chum a -- [there is a "poke"] HEE-HAW!
Chum Chum: [piercing a dart with a donkey's tail into Fanboy's butt] Did I Pin the Tail on the Donkey?
Fanboy: [in pain] In a matter of speaking...
Kyle: [offscreen] And now...

[Cut to a close-up of a top hat on a table, a wand taps on it.] Kyle: for your birthday enjoyment...
Chum Chum: Ooh! The entertainment's starting!
[Chum Chum takes Fanboy over to a crowd. Cuts to Kyle standing in front of the blackboard, waving his wand and standing next to said table with with hat.]
Kyle: May I present...Kyle, [close-up] the Conjurer.
Crowd: [applause]
Chum Chum: Ooh, Kyle! I didn't know you did magic. Can you make a penny come outta my nose?
Kyle: Since it's your birthday, [knocks Chum Chum back to the crowd] I'll ignore that. And instead... [The lights in the classroom start to go out] perform MAGIC! [the lights go out] So dark, [a spotlight comes up on him] it'll cause you [scene changes to a set of mountains in snow] mere mortals, to weep before me, [scene changes to a dark background, where he is in front of various dark lights] and bow down, in awe, of my infinite power!
[There is a puff of smoke as Kyle disappears, what's left of him is his cape and a flock of seagulls. They fly away and the cape hits the floor. He then reappears front and center, wearing a spare cape]
Crowd: [applause]
Kyle: Thank you. Thank you.
Chum Chum: Ooh. Now can you pour milk into a newspaper?
Kyle: Eh-heh, for my next trick, [holds up his hat] I had something grander in mind. I would now like to --
Fanboy: [pops out of Kyle's hat] Make someone disappear? Done! [leaves]
Crowd: [gasps astonishingly]
Kyle: Huh? I was going to summon a dragon, to paint your name, in fire!
Chum Chum: [offscreen] I want a balloon poodle.

[Outside, Fanboy runs around the playground]
Fanboy: Present, present, I gotta find a present! Eh, eh, [spies a bush] flowers! Nothing says "I care" like freshly pilfered flowers. [picks some flowers and sniffs them]

[Back in the classroom, the magic show is over and everyone continued to party]
Fanboy: B to the A to the R-T-Y, D to the -- [a cake tramples him]
Chris Chuggy: Wa-waaaa!
Chum Chum/Lupe/Nancy/Francine: Cake!
Fanboy: [peeks out from under the cake] For anybody keeping score, uhh, birthday cake is not a present.
[Suddenly, the cake turns to ice and Man-Arctica pops out]
Chum Chum/Lupe/Nancy/Francine: Man-Arctica!
Fanboy: Oh, come on!
Man-Arctica: Greetings, Earth larvae. I don't normally do private birthday parties, but, I got this very touching letter from one Crystal Ball Chuggy. It reads: [reading Chuggy's letter] "Wah-wah, wah-wah-wa-wah..." and this is the part that really breaks me up. "Wah, wah." [sobs to himself] How could I say no?
Chum Chum: Thanks, Chuggy, what a great gift.
Chris Chuggy: Wa-wah.
Man-Arctica: Why don't we use my Device-cicle to open these great presents your friends have gotten you?
Fanboy: Wait! We...can't open presents before we have cake and ice cream. And I don't see any ice cream, so...we can't open presents. Oh well, boo-doo, birthday's over. Sorry everyone, time to go home. [starts pushing everyone away]
Fankylechum: Wait! Mecharex dispenses frozen yogurt. Will that do?
Fanboy: Now I'll top carob chips. Be right back! [leaves]

[In the hallway...]
Fanboy: Duh, what am I gonna do? He's already opening presents and I've got zero minus zero. And I'm wasting all this time doing math!
[Russ looks at him in a shadow next to him]
Russ: Pss! Hey, buddy. You uh, looking for a little action...figure?
Fanboy: Janitor Poopatine?
Chum Chum: [In the distance] Poop!
Russ: Ee-shibit! Don't use my real name! Call me..."Janitor P". Don't look at me, look at it! [turns Fanboy's head away from him] Good. Okay, now follow me to my office. [Fits himself into a janitor's mop bucket and rides it away. Fanboy follows him]

[In Janitor Poopatine's office...]
Russ: So, see anything you like? [Fanboy picks something up from the briefcase full of junk in front of him] Ooh, got your eye on the Kooky Klay. [pops up in the case] If you want more, I got a clown who can get you a whole timy carful!
Fanboy: Say no more, I'll take the whole lot of 'em! [Gives him a bag of money] Wait a minute, these look a lot like our confiscated toys.
Russ: [slams the briefcase shut] Uhh, you must be mistaken.
Agent Johnson: [voiceover] Freeze, tell the police!
Russ: Oh, cheese it, at once!
[He runs out as Agent Johnson chases him]
Russ: [trying to hold onto the window on top of his office door] Oh, uh, if you don't mind, I found them. No, I'm just holding them for a -- blend! [lets go]
Agent Johnson: [Handcuffs Russ] Save it for the judge, Poopatine! Your days of selling confiscated toys are over!
Fanboy: Oh, I was so close! Now, I'm never gonna find a -- [looks at the abandoned briefcase] Hello, what is this? A briefcase? The perfect accessory! Chum Chum will love it! He can bring it to the office and use it casually at home. I'm saved!

[Back at the party...]
Chum Chum: Aww, and this one's from Dollarnator. [opens another gift, then sees Fanboy] Hey, Fanboy!
Fanboy: Oh, is it time for presents? Good thing I brought mine. Which I always had all day. And here it is... [reveals his briefcase] this amazing, super-awesome, incredible...
Agent Johnson: [voiceover] Excuse me, Mr. Fanboy!
Fanboy: Eh?
Agent Johnson: I'm afraid I have to confiscate that briefcase.
Fanboy: Huh? Huh? No!
Agent Johnson: I'm sorry, Fanboy, but this is evidence. Say, Chum Chum, why don't you open this present? [gives him a gift]
Chum Chum: Ooh!
Agent Johnson: It's not much, just a little something from the boys down at the station.
Chum Chum: [opens gift and takes a briefcase out] Ooh! A briefcase! I love it!
Fanboy: Uhh...eg, eg, eg,...uh...
Chum Chum: I can take it to the office, or use it casually at home!

Fanboy: [whimpers, then cries]
Chum Chum: Fanboy, what's the matter?
Fanboy: [sniff] Oh, Chum Chum. I forgot your birthday-y-y-y-y. I don't have a present! [sob] That confiscated briefcase was the only gift I could find! [keeps crying]
Man-Arctica/Michael/Cheech/Nancy/Chris Chuggy: [horrified gasp]
Chum Chum: But I didn't expect two presents!
Fanboy: [sniff] Two presents? What do you mean?
Chum Chum: You already gave me the best present. You spent the whole day with me!

[Screen shows a slideshow of what happened over the course of the episode]
Chum Chum: [voiceover] We woke up in the morning together, we played Pin the Tail on your Butt together, you did an amazing magic trick for me...
Kyle: I helped.
Chum Chum: [voiceover] We met Man-Arctica together! We opened all my other presents together! Being together is the best present you could ever give me!
[End of slideshow]

Chum Chum: [Hugging Fanboy] And that's exactly what I want.
Everyone: Aww!/That's sweet. [all hug]
Fanboy: [sniff] You're right! [sniff] That is the best present. Say, isn't that what I gave you last year?
Chum Chum: Silly, it's what you give me every year.
Fanboy: You sure are easy to shop for, Chum Chum.

[Back at the Fanlair, Fanboy and Chum Chum are relaxing on the roof watching the Chumsun set. Chum Chum is lying on Mecharex]
Fanboy: Wow. What a beautiful Chumset! Sooooo, we can both share your birthday presents, right?
Chum Chum: Of course! Be my guest!
Fanboy: [goes over to Mecharex and holds up a plate for his fro yo] Come on, yogurt! [presses a button on Mecharex, but gets burnt by its flame] Wrong button. [Flops to the ground in ashes]

Previous:
"The Big Bopper"
Transcripts Next:
"The Sword in the Throne"

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