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Pick a Nose/Transcript

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Return to "Pick a Nose".

[Episode opens panning up a green apartment building revealing a multicolored water tower esque home. This is the Fanlair, the home of Fanboy and Chum Chum. Inside, Fanboy and Chum Chum are lounging in bed, snoring. Their alarm clocks strike 7:00]

Fanboy's alarm: WHAT TIME IS IT?!?
Chum Chum's alarm: It's 7:00, and today is...
[F&C awake with a start]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: CLASS PICTURE DAY! YEAH!

[The alarm clocks play energetic techno music and bounce to the beat as F&C get ready for their photo. They take a shower, Chum Chum tries a hairstyle that looks like Ace Ventura, and Fanboy flattens out his mask. Later...]
Fanboy: [models] What do you think, chum chum? Do I look as gorgeous as I feel?
Chum Chum: You look fierce! How about me? [tries to model on a stool, but falls over] Ooph!
Fanboy: Hmm. I like the mask; I like the cape -- very understated -- but something's missing.
Chum Chum: What? tell me what's missing.
Fanboy: It's your...NOSE! [literally takes Chum Chum's nose off his face] Ha-ha! Got your nose! [runs around] Got your nose! Got your nose!
Chum Chum: [laughs, chases Fanboy] Give it back! [laughs] Give it back!
Fanboy: I would, but -- [takes off his own nose and replaces it with Chum Chum's] I'M WEARING IT! Look at me, I'm you.
Chum Chum: [giggles, puts on Fanboy's nose] Oh, yeah? Look at me, I'm you.
Fanboy: Yeah, but I'm you looking at you being me.
Chum Chum: And I'm you, looking at you looking at me being you looking at you.

[They laugh for several seconds, then...]
Fanboy: Wait a minute! Something's happening up my brain. Wheels are turning, thoughts collecting. Am I getting an idea? No. Wait, yes! [At Chum Chum] You know what we should do? We should totally wear these noses for Class Picture Day! It'll be awesome! Think about it.
[Scene shows a vision of F&C walking in the school wearing each other's noses. Chuggy, Cher and Nancy are flattered]
Fanboy: [voiceover] I'll be wearing your nose, and you'll be wearing my nose -- people's heads will explode!
[The spectators' heads do so. End of vision]
Chum Chum: Oh. You're bad!
Fanboy: Chum chum, we are gonna rule the school.

[Scene switches to the classroom. Fanboy and Chum Chum slam the door open and pose]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: TA-DA!
[No one seems to pay attention as the clock ticks in the background]
Fanboy: Hmm, hey, Francine. Nose-tice anything different about me? [both giggle]
Francine: You're even weirder than yesterday?
Chum Chum: Close, but...nose cigar!
[both giggle, Francine's eye twitches]

[F&C go to their desks]
Fanboy: I tell ya, this sure is my nose! I am definitely not wearing someone else's, for comedic effect. [pause] Hey! look at my snout! [At Yo] I'm like a little piggy. I play in the mud. [snorts, laughs]
Chum Chum: [slightly irritated] Hey, are you saying my nose looks like a pig's?
Fanboy: Not at all. That's why you got to sell it with a noise. [snorts] See the difference? Comedy gold. [rimshot]
Chum Chum: You're not being nice to my nose, I think I'll take it back now.
Fanboy: I would give you your nose back, Chum Chum, but we agreed to swap for Class Picture Day. And that means all day. Lunch and recess included.
Chum Chum: I want my nose back!
Fanboy: But we had a deal!
Chum Chum: GIVE! ME! BACK! MY! NOOOOSE!

[He gets so angry, Fanboy's nose blasts off his face, bounces off the blackboard, hits the fan, and lands back on his face]
Fanboy: Chum Chum, that...was...amazing! Can you do it again?
Chum Chum: I'll try.
[Once again, he gets angry enough. The nose flies off and blasts through Hank's coffee cup]
Hank: [looks at the leak in the cup] Jumping Joe!
[The nose bounces off the blackboard and lands in the fish tank. The goldfish eats the nose, spits it out of the tank, and the nose lands on one of the lights on the ceiling, making sparks fall down on Chum Chum as the nose falls back into place]
Fanboy: Wow! Let's see what I can do with your nose!
[He concentrates as hard as he could, then snorts. Camera zooms out to show Fanboy's body dangling in green snot]
Kids: Gross!/Ew! [screech away]
Fanboy: Uh, your nose snotted on me. Bleh!
Chum Chum: Hey! You got my cold!
Fanboy: You have a cold?
Chum Chum: Not anymore.
[Fanboy sneezes]

[A montage of Chum Chum enjoying Fanboy's nose begins]

[The gang goes to see Chum Chum perform a magic show on the playground. Chum Chum pulls multicolored scarves out of Fanboy's nose. The kids laugh while Fanboy stares, Chum Chum's nose dangling in snot]

[Chum Chum is playing ping pong with Yo. Chum Chum takes off Fanboy's nose, using it as a ball, and serves it. While Yo uses her own paddle, Chum Chum uses his own face as his paddle. Between them, Fanboy is watching the nose-ball go back and forth, and his eyes follow of their own accord]

[Chum Chum presses the left nostril activating the nose's drill mode. He wanders all over a block of marble making smoke, when it goes away, a muscular statue of Chum Chum is revealed. Fanboy is watching this and sulks]

[Fanboy is strolling when he sees Chum Chum coming down, using the nose as a jetpack. He gives him a paper bag]
Chum Chum: I got you the nasal spray, but they were out of cough drops.
Fanboy: Change?
[Chum Chum snots out three gold coins into Fanboy's hand and flies into the sun]
Chum Chum: Hey, I can see our house from here!
[Montage ends]

[In the cafeteria...]
Chum Chum: [balances a tray on his nose] Wow! What a day. [Sits down, at Fanboy] Why didn't you tell me your nose was so awesome?
Fanboy: [offscreen, nasal] I did't know.
Chum Chum: Excuse me?
[Pull out to show Fanboy worse than usual. His eyes bloodshot, his skin green, he has a towel on his shoulders and a humidifier is steaming on him]
Fanboy: [sniff] I did’t doh! [pushes away humidifier, then removes towel] Bleh. You know, Chub Chub, I was thinking. [snorts in a booger] Maybe you were right. Maybe we should switch back noses before the class picture. No reason why; [snorts] I'm just saying.
Chum Chum: I wish I could, but remember, we had a deal. [snorts some icing onto his brownie]
Fanboy: Uh, I don't remember any deal.
Chum Chum: Oh, yeah, there was a deal. [snorts a cherry onto the brownie]
Fanboy: Hmm, I don't think so.
Chum Chum: Maybe this will refresh your memory.
[Chum Chum presses the right nostril. A recording of Fanboy from earlier is heard]
Fanboy recording: We agreed to swap for Class Picture Day. And that means all day. Lunch and recess included.
Fanboy: [At the camera] That doesn't sound like me.
Chum Chum: Does this look like you?
[Chum Chum presses the left nostril, and a hologram of himself and Fanboy appears]
Fanboy hologram: We agreed to swap for Class Picture Day. And that means all day. Lunch and recess included.

Fanboy: [waves away the hologram] All right, all right! Keep my nose!
Chum Chum: I was going to.
Fanboy: [not so thrilled] Good. great! I don't even care. Cause um...uh, your nose is...uh, [takes nose off] way better anyway. [puts nose back on] Way!
Chum Chum: [flings a yo-yo with his nose] Really? How so?
Fanboy: Well, I'm much better at playing the violin. [plays violin out of tune with nose, making its strings snap]
Chum Chum: Well, I'm glad we're both happy.
Fanboy: Me too. [sneezes, brain pops out] Ugh. [groans]
Chum Chum: [snorts out a tissue] Tissue?
Fanboy: [Takes tissue, nasal] Thank you. [wipes nose]

[Back in the classroom, Chum Chum is playing "What Child Is This" on a flute with his nose, while Yo, Nancy and Cher listen. Fanboy's voice on the P.A. interuppts]
Fanboy on P.A.: Attention, Attention. Would student Chum Chum please report to the nurse's office? Student Chum Chum, please report to the nurse's office. And bring your nose. [pause] That is all. [static]
[Chum Chum is confused]

[Chum Chum goes to the nurse's office and sees Fanboy disguised as a nurse]
Chum Chum: Um, you wanted to see Chum Chum?
Fanboy: [in old woman's voice] Oh, hello, dearie. Did you bring your nose?
Chum Chum: Uh-huh. Why?
Fanboy: I am...the school nurse. [clears throat] As I'm sure you're aware, there's been an outbreak of nose lice.
Chum Chum: [gasps] NOSE LICE?!?
Fanboy: Oh, yes. [Chum Chum sits on the operating table] Well, the only way to be sure your nose isn't crawling with lice is to send it out to have it professionally picked. [gets some tongs ready]
Chum Chum: Okay? You're the nurse. [Closes eyes and tilts head upward a little]
Fanboy: I'm the nurse.

[Fanboy snaps the tongs and guides them up to his own nose on Chum Chum's face. Just as he was about to grab it, he sneezes, making his face mask hang down in green snot blobs]

Chum Chum: [gasps] Fanboy! You've been the school nurse all these years, just so you could steal my nose?!?
Fanboy: It's my nose, and I want it back! [lunges at him, but fails and crashes into a counter]

[Chum Chum snorts out a flute and lands on one end of the room, forming a battle pose and spinning the flute high on his left arm. Fanboy stands on the other end of the room and forms his own battle pose and the two stare each other down]

[Extreme close-up of Chum Chum. Camera zooms in a little and the screen goes to black bars, cutting off the upper and lower parts of the screen leaving only his eyes visable. The scene does the same with Fanboy. Scene returns to normal as Fanboy charges]

Fanboy: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! [trips on Chum Chum's flute] Ah! [hits wall] You give me back my nose, you nose-lifter!
Chum Chum: Not a chance!
Fanboy: I didn't want to do this, but you leave me nose choice.
[pause, both giggle]
Chum Chum: Nose.
Fanboy: Yeah, nose. [then, mean] Fine. you want to use my nose? Then I'm gonna use yours!
[snickers]
Chum Chum: Where are you going?!?

[In the hallway...]
Fanboy: Lupe! Hola. How's it going? looking good. Can I borrow your gym bag?
Lupe: It's a stinky.
Fanboy: [takes gym bag] Perfect. He-he. [inhales, then puts head in gym bag]
Chum Chum: [retches] Gross! I can smell that!
Fanboy: Had enough, Chum Chum?
Chum Chum: [offscreen] Hi, Mr. Mufflin!
Fanboy: [poking his head out of the gym bag] Mr. Mufflin?
[Scene zooms to Fanboy's eyes]
Fanboy: Oh no.
Chum Chum: I see your hands are full, but could you scratch my nose?
Hank: Sure. Anything for my students, I guess.
Fanboy: Not with his foot. Not with his foot. Not with his foot.
[Hank rubs his stinky bare foot in Chum Chum's face]
Chum Chum: Mm, mm, mm.
Fanboy: Ugh! my nostrils are burning!
Chum Chum: Oh, yeah, baby.
Fanboy: Ahem.
Chum Chum: Oh, no. What are you doing?
Fanboy: [giggles, puts head in toilet] Ooh, corn!
[Chum Chum gags, face turning green as the toilet flushes]
Fanboy: Did you want to use this?

Chum Chum: [retches, farts into trash can]
Fanboy: Now, you ready to switch back? [Chum Chum takes off his nose] Ah, that's more like it.
[After a pause, Chum Chum puts his nose on his butt and rubs it against it. Fanboy gags, Chum Chum even farts on the nose]
Chum Chum: He who dealt it did not smelt it. [puts nose back on]
Fanboy: [groaning] Gross.
Fanboy and Chum Chum: [see Chuggy stinky] Chris Chuggy! Hmm.
[They go over to Chuggy]
Fanboy: Ah, nice and ripe. Huh, Chris? [inhales deeply]
Chum Chum: [screams]
Fanboy: Take that!
Chum Chum: Oh, yeah? Take this! [sniffs Chuggy]
Fanboy: Ahh! yuck!
[They constantly sniff Chuggy until he is clean and he passed his stink down to them]
Chris Chuggy: [runs off] Wa, wa, wa, wa, wa, wa.

Fanboy: Ready to give up now?
Chum Chum: Never!
Fanboy: Then you're gonna smell what Fanboy's cookin'! [runs into the cafeteria]
Chum Chum: The cafeteria? [goes in after Fanboy] Please don't let it be liver taco day!
[Chum Chum finds Fanboy in the kitchen]
Fanboy: I didn't wanna do this. But if you won't give me my nose back, you'll never see yours alive again. [takes off his nose and starts to dip it in a vat]
Chum Chum: My nose! Don't hurt my nose! Don't hurt my little piggy nose.
Mrs. Cram: Pig nose? [takes the nose] What, did I miss one? [squeaks the nose, throws it into the vat, then leaves]

Fanboy and Chum Chum: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Chum Chum: My nose! My nose! My nose!
Fanboy: [over] Chum Chum, it's okay. It's not your nose! it's not your nose!
Chum Chum: [wimpers] Wha--what?
Fanboy:I would never do anything to hurt your real nose, buddy. You're my best friend.
Chum Chum: Yeah, but --

[Fanboy takes out a ring box and opens it to reveal Chum Chum's real nose]
Fanboy: Here's your real nose.
Chum Chum: Fanboy! You've made me the happiest boy alive. [As he says this, he takes off Fanboy's nose and puts his own nose back]
Chum Chum: Here. [Presents the other nose to Fanboy, whose eyes begin to twinkle and water]
Fanboy: Don't cry! [puts back his own nose] You're gonna make me cry!
[both chuckle]
Voice over P.A.: Attention students. Attention students. Please report for class picture.
Fanboy: Ready to go, buddy?
Chum Chum: You nose it!
[Both start to laugh, then stop]
Chum Chum: Why did that seem so funny before?
Fanboy: Beats me, friend. Beats me. [Pulls Chum Chum toward him]

[There is a flash of light and a shutter clicks. We see a still image of F&C posing. Pull out to show that this is the class picture. F&C are posing happily, but Hank and the other students are reacting -- holding noses, gagging, etc. because F&C smell so horrible. F&C come into view and admire the picture]
Chum Chum: It's our best picture yet.
Fanboy: Yeah. And what a lucky break they went with scratch 'n' sniff pictures this year.
[Fanboy scratches the picture, releasing stink. Both cough, when the stink goes away, the boys' skulls are visable]
Fanboy: You always think it's gonna smell good, and it never does. [coughs]
Chum Chum: Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

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"The Janitor Strikes Back"

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