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Return to "No Toy Story".

[Scene opens up viewing the sun, then Fedora Man, package in hand, comes down flying via umbrella (a la Mary Poppins) and humming. He finally touches the ground of a building]

Fedora Man: Here we are: Fanlair, 1-Watertower Terrace. This must be the place!
[As he says the last sentence, he walks up to the door and proceeds to press the doorbell, but presses Fanboy's right eye instead]
Fanboy: Package for us?
[Fedora Man removes his finger]
Chum Chum: We'll take that! [takes package]
[F&C hop into the Fanlair and go coo-coo with the package, then open it]
Fedora Man: Say, aren't you two a little old to be playing with baby toys?
Fanboy: Yeah! [Holds up a blue baby rattle] That's why we ordered a portable travel rainstick. [leaves]
Chum Chum: [Holds up a light green teething ring] And a super cool space saucer! [leaves]
Fedora Man: Hmm. Must have been a mistake at the factory, then. Cause what you've got there is a genuine rattle and teething ring!
[F&C play for a while, then stop]

Fanboy: Eww, whoa. I see what happened. Uhh, someone must have mixed up our address with the preschool down the street!
[Briefly, Chum Chum chews the teething ring, then stops. He takes the ring out of his mouth]
Chum Chum: Happens all the time.
Fedora Man: [scratching head] Wow, that's a head-scratchier. Cause this package says "Fanboy and Chum Chum".
Fanboy: No, I think that says "Fatboy and Chub Chub". Heh, they're two of the preschoolers. Real porkers. So, we'll just put these back. [puts the rattle back in the package, then removes the teething ring from Chum Chum's mouth. He puts that back in the package and closes it, giggling nervously] And you can deliver them to the preschoolers. [Gives Fedora Man the package]
Chum Chum: Yep, you can't miss 'em. Just look for the bent seesaw and broken swings. [As he says this, he picks up Fedora Man and throws him far away, who screams. F&C then shut the door]

Fanboy and Chum Chum Whew, hehehehe!
Fanboy: Oh, that was too close! Chum Chum, did you know those were baby toys?
Chum Chum: Of course not.
Fanboy: Ohh, I wonder how many other baby toys we accidently have! I guess there's only one way to find out...SCIENCE! [briefly, he is seen dressed in the manner of Albert Einstein] Question: Who likes baby toys?
Chum Chum: Yah...
Fanboy: [shows a baby to Chum Chum] Bam!
[The baby coos]
Chum Chum: A baby!
Fanboy: [holds the baby like a microphone] Precisely. So anything the baby wants to play with must be... [Points the baby's head toward Chum Chum]
Chum Chum: A baby toy!
Fanboy: Now, you get it! Chum Chum, let's baby toy proof our home. [Kicks Chum Chum out of the scene, then follows him]

[A montage of baby-proofing begins. The baby acts like a metal detector, going "wah, wah" to the beat as Fanboy carries him around the Fanlair. Suddenly, the wahing begins to speed up]
Fanboy: I think he's got something.
[The baby drags Fanboy over to the window. There, he grabs a Mechatech off the table near it, then teethes it]
Chum Chum: What?! Mechatech?!? How can that be a baby toy?!? [takes the Mechatech from the baby] Aww. [Throws Mechatech in a trash can]
[The baby then goes toward something else, dragging Fanboy with him. He then begins to corral through a pile of comics]
Fanboy: Comic books?!? Are you kidding me, how can he read those?!?
[Chum Chum throws a comic in the trash can. The baby then drags Fanboy over to the game table and he plays with it]
Fanboy: Oh, oh, oh, oh! Our video game?!? Oh-ho, come on now, that just can't be!
[The baby then spys a box of lasers]
Fanboy: Oh, no. No, baby! Come on, no, baby, no, baby, baby, no, pleeeease!
[The baby teethes on a toy light gun, his head flashing green and yellow. It then spys something else]
Fanboy: Oh, no. [gets dragged out of frame]

[We see a screen of Fanboy getting dragged around by the baby, stopping to see him play with a toy. During this, F&C running are in the center, followed by other things the baby finds: a race car, a joystick, a teddy bear, a toy cow, a paddle ball, a saucer and a whoopee cushion.]
Fanboy: No, baby, no, baby, baby, no, baby, ohh! Baby, baby-y-y! No, baby, oh, no!

[The baby gives the viewer an intimidating look as lightning covers the screen, ending the montage.]
[Cut to a shot of the Fanlair later on. It is raining, and the Fanlair looks quite depressed. Dissolve to the inside. Fanboy and Chum Chum are on the couch, glum. Around them, the Fanlair lost its color, due to all the toys and merriment taken away]

Fanboy: I still can't believe it. All our toys were for babies! And we didn't even know it!
Chum Chum: I'm just glad our forklift was a baby toy, or we might never have gotten them all.
[A forklift comes in, with the baby at wheel. It is carrying every toy in the Fanlair. As it starts to leave, the baby honks the horn and salutes. Then, he drives the forklift out and slams the door.]

[Back on Fanboy, who is quite worried]
Fanboy: Chum Chum, I'm afraid there's only one way make sure we never accidently play with a baby toy again.
[Fanboy goes to Chum Chum and takes his hand in his. Cut to Fanboy]
Fanboy: We need to stop playing with all our toys...
[The background colors around him suddenly turn red. Cut to an extreme close-up of Fanboy's eyes, while horrible music is heard]
Fanboy: FOREVER!!!
[Chum Chum gasps, then puts his hands on his head, startled and shocking himself]
Fanboy: Starting with that joy buzzer.
Chum Chum: [Shows him the joy buzzer] Oh, man. Do we have to?
Fanboy: [takes the joy buzzer] Don't you see? It's the only way! The whole world is a veritable mine field of baby toys! [As he says this, he tosses the joy buzzer over his shoulder, and something else explodes off camera] Why, even our toy mine field is no longer safe!
Chum Chum: Wow, I guess you're right.
Fanboy: Then, it's agreed?
[Chum Chum nods]

[Later, at a table...]
Fanboy: Okay, then. Let's have 'em.
Chum Chum: Uhh... [mumbles] I'm sorry?
Fanboy: You know what I mean, no holding out.
Chum Chum: I'm clean, man! Honest! [A halo appears over his head. Fanboy stares, and the halo disappears] Aw. This is a bum rap.
[Chum Chum takes out two water guns, squirts them and puts them on the table. He pulls out two lightsabers and puts them on the table, too. He then pulls out a long toy train and puts that on the table as well, not forgetting the giant caboose. He then lifts up his left tight to reveal his Ultra Ninja in his shoe. HEe pulls it out and puts it on the table]
Chum Chum: Hmm!
Fanboy: Is that...everything?
[Chum Chum pushes Fanboy away, reaches into his mouth and pulls out a miniature ping-pong table]
Fanboy: Ooh, mini ping-pong! I didn't know they made this! [Briefly, they play with it] Ah! We're playing with toys again! [BOOM] I underestimated their strangle hold upon us. We fancy that toys are our playthings, but it is we who are the playthings of toys! [horrible music]

[The door opens, revealing Oz]

Oz: Front-kick, side-kick, gonna kick this! I'm gonna kick you in my fist...of Do-It! Guys, look, it finally came. My Five Fingers of Death Karate Action Set. Five Fingers sold separately. Come on, let us form the Fist of Fury! [Belly-flops the floor. The set and two ninjas land. He picks them up] The Fist of Fury! Side-kick, front-kick, gonna kick-a! Igquamada!
Fanboy: Oh. Uhh, the thing is, we don't play with toys anymore.
Oz: I'm sorry, what? The master could not hear you over the Din of Battle. Yow!
Chum Chum: It turns out that playing with toys is for babies!
Oz: Chicka, chicka wha - ? [pause] Yeah, of course it is. And that's why what I'm doing here is...uh-uh-uh, appreciating collectibles. You see, I appreciate them like this. [As the red ninja] I am Wing-Ding from the temple Kung-Pow. You collected my father, prepare to be collected. [normal] You see? And then, this guy's all like, "Appreciate this!". Heh, and "Ky-ee!". And-and then the other guy is all like "Oh, yeah? Appreciate this!" Hi-ya! Oy-ding! Oy-dy-ya!
Fanboy and Chum Chum: [cough]
Oz: Hmm? Hmm. Yes. [Starts to leave] Perhaps we can make a playdate -- I mean uh, a collectdate, at another time. My mother would be in touch! [closes door] Oy-ya!

Fanboy: Man! Oz sure is lucky he doesn't have to play with toys! Of..course, I'm way past toys myself.
Chum Chum: Oh, yeah. Toys are so five minutes ago.
Fanboy: Okah! Has it only been five minutes?

[Lightning goes off as we see another shot of the lonely, rainy Fanlair. Dissolve once again back to the sad black-and white interior. F&C are on the couch, feeling a little crazy, moaning and quivering]
Fanboy: Boy, this "sitting around, doing absolutely nothing" is gr-eat! Uh, I see why old people love it so much.
Chum Chum: Hehe yeah, It's way more fun than playing with toys! [laughs]
[Record scratch]
Fanboy: Aha, haha, hahaha! You said it! Haha! Oh, that is the funniest thing you said ohhhhh. [hears some gun sounds, then looks down to the left of him] Hmm? [Spys a cowboy doll]
Cowboy doll: Yee-haw!
Fanboy: Hehehe, you know what? [hides the cowboy doll] I think the remote fell into the couch. Maybe I should look for it. [Briefly, he sees Chum Chum in fetal position, then goes into the couch to play with the cowboy] Yee-haw! Woohoo! Loolooloolooloo! Hit em' over the pass!
[Chum Chum looks over and stares]
Fanboy: Yee-haw!
Chum Chum: [Yanks Fanboy by the leg, pulling him out] Hey! You weren't playing with toys under there, were you?
Fanboy: [fart noise] Haha, BLAH! Hahaha, OOH! No, come on! [toy darts fall off the back of his head] We gave away all our toys, remember? I must have hit a button and turned on an old western. [Holds up the TV remote]
Chum Chum: The baby took the TV.
[We see the empty outlet flash]
Fanboy: Tehehe, no. [pulls an old sandwich out of the couch] Half-eaten Grilled Cheese?
[Chum Chum smacks the sandwich away. Suddenly, something cute pops into his head. A thought bubble with Man- arcticrunch cereal appears]
Chum Chum: You know? I'm feeling a bit peckish. I can go have some cereal.
[Chum Chum leaves, but the thought bubble remains. Fanboy gasps like a chicken and takes the thought bubble in his hand]
Fanboy: PRIZE INSIDE?!? [Imagines the prize inside the cereal box]
[Shocked, Fanboy drops the thought bubble and heads for the kitchen]

[Fanboy can see Chum Chum through the kitchen window, eating Man-Arcticrunch. He opens the door]
Chum Chum: Oh! Hi, Fanboy! Want some Man-Arcticrunch?
Fanboy: Hmm, sure, pal. [walks up to him and empties the box. He then peers inside it] Hmm, mm-hmm. Say, Chum Chum, there wasn't oh, I don't know, a TOY PRIZE inside this box, was there?
Chum Chum: Toy prize? [The toy Man-Arctica's legs pops out of his nostrils. He sucks it in, but the feet stick out of his ear. He sucks it back in and swallows it] Nope! No toy prize inside.
Fanboy: Hmm, looks like I'm gonna have to keep my eye on you, [walks to the right of him and sticks out his left eye at him] pal.
Chum Chum: Looks like I'm gonna have to keep my eye on you, [sticks his right eye at him] Buddy-o.

[The scene behind them dissolves to the bathroom, the colors starting to come back. F&C are brushing their teeth, literally keeping their eyes on each other. They stop to gurgle and spit, then continue staring at each other. The scene dissolves once again to the bedroom, where the lamp is lit pink. F&C then back away from each other and de-attach their eyes. They then get into bed]

Chum Chum: GOOD NIGHT, FANBOY.
Fanboy: GOOD NIGHT, CHUM CHUM!
[Chum Chum turns off the light, the scene goes to black. A scribbling noise is heard and Fanboy is heard laughing]
Chum Chum: Fanboy, are you playing with toys? [turns on the light]
Fanboy: [yawns and smacks lip] Me? Don't be silly. I've been sleeping.
Chum Chum: Then, what was that squeaking?
Fanboy: Probably just the mattress. [bounces]
Chum Chum: Hmm, yeah. Probably.
[Chum Chum turns the light off again, and the scene goes back to black. Another scribbling noise is heard and this time, Chum Chum is heard laughing]
Fanboy: Chum Chum! Are you playing with toys? [turns the light on again]
Chum Chum: Me? How could I?
Fanboy: Then, what were those voices?
Chum Chum: [Hugs pillow] Pillow talk?
Fanboy: Hmm! [lies down and turns off the light a final time]
[The scene goes to black a final time. This time, both boys are heard laughing. The light turns back on a final time. This time by Oz]
Oz: Did you guys happen to find a Thumb of Death? [pause] Oh, I see you're otherwise, occupiedo. That means busy. [puts down the lamp and bows] I'll steal myself out. [throws himself out the window] Ow! Oh, my knee. I had it right on my knee.

Chum Chum: [pointing] Fanboy, you made a toy outta your hand?!
[zoom to Fanboy's hand puppet]
Fanboy: [As his hand] Yes. [Covers its mouth, normal] What about you? You drew a silly face on your butt!
Chum Chum: [looks at his butt face] Silly?!? Poohoogah, how DARE you call Mr. Bum-bum McPoopypants silly! [farts]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: [laughing]
Fanboy: Oh, you know what's silly? Us. Pretending we don't like to play with toys.
Chum Chum: Hehe, yeah! When all we like is playing with toys!
Fanboy: I like playing with toys so much, I am a toy! [acts like a robot] Being controlled by me, over there. [Over to him in the bathroom with a remote] Hi!
Chum Chum: Wow! No way, that's crazy. Cause I'm actually a puppet being controlled by me up there! [over to the real F&C above the set. Chum Chum is acting like the puppet] See what I meant, Fanboy?

[In the real Fanlair. The colors are back and the Fanlair is happy again]
Fanboy: Hey, look at us, Chum Chum! We're not babies, we're kids! [hugging him] And we love playing with toys. Speaking of which, you mind if I take "ThumbChum" for a spin?
Chum Chum: [As ThumbChum] Be my guest, Fanboy.
Fanboy and Chum Chum: [laughing]
[A baby is heard wahing and the room shakes. Zoom out to show him playing with the room]
Fanboy: No, baby. Nooo, baby. Oh, no!
Chum Chum: Whoa!
[The baby starts teething the room. The episode ends.]

Previous:
"I'm Man-Arctica!"
Transcripts Next:
"GameBoy"

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