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Return to "Moppy Dearest".

[Scene opens up with the school in view]
Hank: [voiceover] So, to recap: [At this point, Hank is shown] Last night at dinner I ordered the...anyone? Anyone? [no one responds] The chicken-fried steak. [still no response, someone coughs] One final announcement: The annual school dance is coming up! This year's theme is: "Daylight Savings Time". And as always, attendance is mandatory.
[All but F&C groan annoyingly and knock their desks over. F&C come forward]
Fanboy: Oh, the school dance! I can't believe it's finally here! [gets surrounded by hearts]
Chum Chum: Now, we can finally show off our new moves to the whole school!

[Instantly the lights go out. Spotlight on F&C, who show off their moves]
(Song: Dance Break)
Fanboy: We start with the flamingo.
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca!/Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Chum Chum: Then we'll hit 'em with the wrangler.
Ooh dee dee de dee dee dee de de, de de de de de de dee!
Fanboy: You gotta butter that bread! Come on, now.
But-but-but-b-but-b-but-butter that breaaaaad.
Chum Chum: Uh-oh. Here comes the funky cheese grater!
Fanboy/Chum Chum: Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!
Fanboy: Now for the big finish, Chum.
The double dutch sassafras with a leachman kick-turn belly flop!
In five, six, seven, eight, and...

[All stare at F&C quite amazed and shocked at once]
Hank: Will you boys stop doing that every time I mention the school dance?!
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Pshh./Hmph. [lift up capes and leave]
Hank: [Holding one of Man-Arctica's records] This year's musical entertainment will be provided by: Man-Arctica, who will be performing power ballads off his new album, Glacially Slow Jamz.
Chum Chum: Man-Arctica?!
Fanboy: Playing the dance? [At Chum Chum] Double time, Chum Chum!
[Light goes out, spotlight on F&C]
Fanboy: Flamingo! Wrangler! Then but-but-but-but-butter the bread!

[The Fanlair, later that night. F&C are modeling in their formal clothes]
Chum Chum: Wow, Fanboy. You're one sharp-dressed man.
Fanboy: Ditto, Chum Chum! You look totally righteous! Uh, anything left to do on the list before we book it?
Chum Chum: [takes out a notebook] Um...two things: Complement each other on our fabulous outfits, check. And...find dates to go with us to the dance.
[On the second rule, dance music distorts]
Fanboy: Dates?!? [sinks to floor, eye goes twitchy]Find dates?! But the dance is in five days! That's hardly enough time! Unless... [Fanboy goes off camera and works on something. Chum Chum stares. Fanboy returns rolling something under a curtain]
Fanboy: Chum Chum, meet my new date for the dance.
[Fanboy unveils a mop in a janitor's bucket. Chum Chum's jaw drops Pan upwards the mop]
Fanboy: Moppy!
[One of the mop's google eyes droops]
Chum Chum: She cleans up nice.
Fanboy: But wait! Who are you gonna bring?
Chum Chum: I guess I'll just call my cousin. She's from out of town. [takes out cell phone and dials]
Fanboy: Oh, right, your cousin. [At Moppy] The old "out-of-town cousin" excuse. Poor kid's getting desperate.
[One of Moppy's eyes falls off]

[Scene switches to outside, five days later, the night of the dance]
Fanboy: [voiceover] You ready with the camera, Chum?
Chum Chum: [voiceover] Ready!
[At this point, F&C are shown. Fanboy is holding a rope and Chum Chum has a camera]
Fanboy: Here she comes!
[A romance jingle is heard as Fanboy pulls on the rope and Moppy rolls to the top of the staircase.
Chum Chum: Wow. She's a vision.
Fanboy: [eyes fluttering] She's like a pine-scented angel.
[Scene dissolves to Fanboy's daydream of Moppy swaying and dancing on a heart background]
Fanboy: [voiceover] Ooh, she's wearing my favorite perfume: Eau de Toilette.
[Switch back to Fanboy. He pulls down on Moppy's rope and helps her down the stairs. She lands tipped over while Chum Chum takes a picture]
Fanboy: Ooh!
Chum Chum: [clears throat] Fanboy, isn't there something you'd like to give to Moppy?
Fanboy: [giggles] Oh, right. May I? [tries to nail a flower corsage on Moppy's stick, but it wouldn't hold, grabs a mallet and violently nails the corsage in place] Got a little tired. [Moppy's stick breaks] Whoop!
Chum Chum: [gasp] Time for pictures!
[We see four pictures of Fanboy and Moppy: First, Fanboy is sitting in Moppy's bucket and waving. Second, he's doing a little split pose while looking at Moppy. Third, he's drinking some toilet water from Moppy's bucket. Last, he's holding tightly to Moppy and smiling]

[Scene switches to the school. Fanboy is walking down the hall, everyone looks over to see him and Moppy]
Fanboy: Chuggster!
Chris Chuggy: Wah?
Fanboy: Lookin' good! Michael Johnson, I'm diggin' those sunglasses at night.
Francine: [snickers, gets hit by Moppy's hair] Ow!

[On Janitor Poopatine, scanning Nancy so she can enter]
Fanboy: Hi, Janitor Poopatine.
Chum Chum: Poop!
Russ: It's Chaperone Poopatine. [notices Moppy] Oh! My stars. Who is this absorbent beauty?
Fanboy: This is Moppy. Isn't she great? Funny story, really. We met in the Fanlair. I was looking for a date to the dance. She was standing in the corner-- well, half in the corner, half under the sink-- but, long story short, I was persistent, and here we are.
Russ: [scans Fanboy] Yes. Well, uh, enjoy the dance.
[Chum Chum comes up]
Fanboy: Come on, Chum Chum! We don't want to miss Man-Arctica's sound check!
Chum Chum: Actually, I'm gonna wait out here for my cousin. [points at the dark hallway] She tends to be fashionably late.
Fanboy: Oh, can't wait to meet her. After you, M'lady. [He and Moppy walk in the cafeteria]
[Russ looks over, but Brenda's scanner hits him]
Russ: Ow! Oh, stop it, Brenda. I was just admiring her corsage.

[In the cafeteria, set up for the dance. The lights are blue, there are ribbons, stars and balloons everywhere. Confetti is on the floor. A disco ball is hanging from the celing. The stage has ice accents. Children are all over the place, laughing and talking together]

Fanboy: Wow! They really went all out for Man-Arctica! I mean, check out the stage! It looks just like his Igloo of Ice-olation! Hey, Chum Chum!
[On a strange figure gobbling trash in the shadows/ Fanboy runs up to it. The figure turns around and reveals itself]
Fanboy: Ew. You're not Chum Chum. Who are you?
[On the last sentence, we reveal the figure. This is Muk Muk, Chum Chum's wacky cousin. She acts like a monkey]
Muk Muk: Muk-muk.
[Romantic music plays as Fanboy stares in awe, hat off. A heart pops out of his head flap and pops into smaller hearts Fanboy puts his hat back on Muk Muk spits, the music stops.]
Fanboy: The voice of an angel.

Chum Chum: Hey, Fanboy. Oh, great! you found my cousin!
Muk Muk: Muk-muk. [jumps onto Chum Chum's hat]
Fanboy: Your cousin? You mean -- you really did have one?
Chum Chum: I told you, silly. Fanboy, I'd like you to meet Muk Muk.
Muk Muk: Muk-muk!
Fanboy: Uh, hi, I'm Boyfan. [nervously giggles, does face palm] I mean, I'm Fanboy. Did I just say I'm Boyfan? I'm Fanboy! Who would be named Boyfan? I mean, can you imagine such a thing? [giggles] Oh-ho, why am I laughing so much? I love life, what can I say? Heh, [stretches out arm with eyes closed] Fanboy.
Muk Muk: [sneezes snot on Fanboy's hand]
Fanboy: I'll never wash this hand again...

[Muk Muk proceeds to infiltrate the other guests]
Cher: AAAHHH!!! Ooh, ooh, ooh! Get it off, get it off, get it off...
Fanboy: Chum chum, why didn't you tell me your cousin was so...bewitching?
Chum Chum: Oh, I don't get to see her very often. She's from two towns over.
Fanboy: Waynesport?
Chum Chum: No, Apetown. Well, West Apetown.
Fanboy: Whoa. So she's got money andcharm. [Muk Muk babbles and hops past, Fanboy stares at her with a dreamy expression. Moppy rolls by]
Fanboy: Oh, heh. Moppy. Um, great dance, isn't it? Oh, look. Your bucket's looking a little low. So shall I get us all drinks?
Chum Chum: Punch for me!
Fanboy: Punch for Chum Chum and for my main squeeze mop, soapy water with a twist of lemon scent. I'm on it. [walks backward]

[Fanboy is about to scoop up some punch when Muk Muk lands in the punch bowl]
Fanboy: Whoa!
Muk Muk: Muk-muk!
Fanboy: Oh, Muk Muk. Sweet dance, huh?
[Muk Muk farts in the punch bowl]
Fanboy: [straightens bow tie] Oh, this? I just threw it together at the last minute.
Muk Muk: [snorting]
Fanboy: What's that, Muk Muk? You want me to...come closer? [leans closer to Muk Muk, who stuffs his face with oranges] OY!
[Muk Muk runs out into the hall]
Kyle: Wha - ?
Fanboy: Muk Muk, where are you going?!

[In the hallway...]
Fanboy: Muk Muk? Where are you, you my enchanting little monkey?
[Muk Muk peeks out from a locker, then hides again. She then plows onto Fanboy]
Muk Muk: Muk-muk!
Fanboy: WHOA! Muk Muk! I don't think we should be doing this. I came with Moppy!
[Muk Muk knocks Fanboy's hat off. Chum Chum arrives with Moppy]
Chum Chum: I'm sure Fanboy just went to use the bathroom, 'cause he won't go once Man-Arctica comes on! [pause] I mean, he won't leave to go. [gasps] Fanboy! [Moppy leans behind him]
Fanboy: [gasp] Oh, Moppy! No! it's not what you think!
[Sad music plays, impossibly, Moppy sheds a tear. Lupe arrives]
Lupe: Come with me, Moppy. Don't let him seige your pride. And stop looking at him.
Fanboy: Moppy! Don't go!
Chum Chum: I'm so sorry, Fanboy, I should've kept an eye on Muk Muk.
Fanboy: It's my fault. I had the best date in school, but I took her for granted. Now she's gone forever! [runs off] I have to go. I have something in my eye!
Chum Chum: But, Fanboy, Man-Arctica's coming on any minute! [pause] I'll save you a good spot! [leaves]

[Somber rock music begins to play. Outside the back of the school. Fanboy opens the door and begins stomping around, sniffing and wimpering sadly. We see the daydream of Moppy from before, only the background has a dark shadow in the corners, leaves rush past and we see some pictures from earlier]
Russ: Hey!
[Music distorts, cut to Fanboy on a bench]
Fanboy: Huh?
Russ: What's the matter with you?
Fanboy: Well, if you must know, I lost my mop. And I don't know if I can get her back!
Russ: No! I meant I just painted that bench! Can't you read the sign?!?
[points to a wet paint sign on the bench]
Fanboy: You're right! I should fight for her! But what if she doesn't take me back?
Russ: OHH...GET OFF THAT BENCH RIGHT NOW!
Fanboy: I'll never know unless I try. I'll do it! [shakes Russ's hand and runs back inside] Thanks, Janitor Poopatine! You're the best!

[Back at the dance...]
Michael/Kyle/Nancy/Cher: [chattering]
Lupe: Aw. You're so pretty. You don't need no stinkin' Fanboy.
[The lights change. The excited party guests head over to the stage. Hank is at the DJ stand]
Hank: [scratching a record] Uh...ooh...hey, is this on? [scratches record]Attention, school...ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!? [Everyone waves their hands high and cheer]
Hank: Then, throw your hands in the air like you just don't care about...MAN-ARCTICA!!!
[On the last word, pan over to Man-Arctica in the spotlight with a key-tar. The crowd cheers as he walks over to the front of the stage]
Man-Arctica: Good evening --
Fanboy: WAIT! [runs onstage, cheering stops] Has anyone seen Moppy? Moppy?
[At this moment, the crowd begins to jeer]
Chum Chum: GET OFF THE STAGE!
Fanboy: [ignoring the jeering] Oh, Moppy, I'm sorry. I...I... [sees Moppy in the spotlight and smiles] I think this next power ballad can express my feelings better than words ever could.

[Fanboy whispers into Man-Arctica's ear. Man-Arctica looks at Hank, who gives a rocking motion as the crowd begins to cheer again. Hank and Man-Arctica begin playing gentle rock music as a spotlight goes on Fanboy. Man-Arctica rocks out on his key-tar as Fanboy begins to sing]

(Song: Moppy's Song)

Fanboy: Moppy
I see your bucket in the distance
Lupe: You are so lucky.
Fanboy: I'll take you by the handle
And love'll sweep us away
[Retching is heard]
Cher: EW!
[Music stops]
Cher: Chum Chum's cousin just barfed on the dance floor!!
Everyone: EW!/Barf!/My shoes!
[All but Fanboy, Man-Arctica and Hank back away]

[Fanboy walks up to Moppy]
Fanboy: What do you say, Moppy? Take a chance on this dreamer for old times' sake?
[Moppy gives Fanboy a hug. The music starts up again as Fanboy uses Moppy to clean up the barf, then they both slow dance for several seconds. Meanwhile, for Chum Chum...]
Chum Chum: [singsong] Look what I got. A nice piece of fruit! I gotcha. I gotcha. [normal] No, wait. Oh, come on!
Muk Muk: Muk-muk!

[Iris out, the episode is over.]

Previous:
"Chicken Pox"
Transcripts Next:
"Norse-ing Around"

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