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Lord of the Rings/Transcript

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Return to "Lord of the Rings".

[Scene opens at the school playground. Chris Chuggy is seen running off-camera, while we pan to see a billboard that reads: "The Great Fantini Magic Show". Kyle comes toward the billboard to read it]

Kyle: "The Great Fantini Magic Show". Oh, this should be rich.
[We pan to the right. Fanboy, wearing a magician's hat, is standing on a picnic table, performing magic tricks to an audience of kids. Kyle rins over to join them. We now focus on Fanboy]
Fanboy: [holding scarf] Now you see it, [makes scarf disappear] Now you don't. [the crowd gasps and cheers]
Chum Chum: [sneezes, then holds up scarves on a tray] Ta-da! [Everyone except Kyle applauds] Okay, white stuff coming through.
Kyle: Hmm. [Scarcastic applaud] Splendid, I can't wait to see where your doves come out of. Zing!

Fanboy: Thank you, Thank you, and now for my final and grandest illusion, The brain-blowing, piddle-inspiring, $3.95 costing linking ring trick for beginners!
Chum Chum: Ooh!
[Fanboy pulls out two silver rings. He repeatedly attaches and detaches them. All except Kyle applauds]
Fanboy: Thank you, Thank you.
Kyle: Oh, come now. Are you having a laugh? An infant could do that trick. Why, I was linking teething rings whilst my governess pushed me about in my pram.
Fanboy: Oh-ho, Ladies and gentlemen, a skeptic.
Chum Chum: Boo!
Fanboy: What do you say? Shall I invite him to come up here and unlink the --
Kyle: [Teleports to Fanboy and takes the rings] Oh! Give me those. I'll show you how to unlink the -- [grunts while trying to disconnect the rings] Okay, well, I just -- this stupid thing -- I -- no, that's not it. [with chainsaw] Perhaps if I -- come apart, you filthy...my hands must be greasy. I was a bit liberal with the clotted cream on my mid-morning scone! [tries to pull them apart with his teeth, but they pop out] Queen mother! [Kyle's teeth wander back into his mouth] I - I can't do it.
Chum Chum: Magic!
Kyle: Oh, get away. [Swats Chum Chum away] You reek of egg salad.

Fanboy: Thank you, thank you.
Chum Chum: [whistle] All right, let's strike this set, people! Time is money!
[Dollarnator comes out of a closet and groans]
Kyle: I don't understand. I studied at the Milkweed Academy for Wizards. That trick should be child's play.
Chum Chum: [grunt] Come on! [pulls a dove out of a hat] No wonder this dove was in the town dump. Some other magician probably threw him out.
Fanboy: I think we need to rinse out these scarves. They're getting a bit crusty.

Kyle: Uhh...oh, Fanboy?
Fanboy: Whom?
Kyle: Ugh. I mean, The Great Fantini? You know, as I watched your show, I must say I was impressed, especially that ring trick. I was wondering how do you -- [screams as a closet rolls by]
Chum Chum: Striking the set here, Kyle. Move it or lose it.
Fanboy Hmm. [walks away, and Kyle follows him]

Kyle: Yes, back to my initial line of inquiry. About that ring trick.
Fanboy: Ah, yes, my ring trick. I bet you'd like to know the secret.
Dollarnator: Your hat, sir. [Takes off Fanboy's hat]
Kyle: I must confess a certain curiosity.
Fanboy: Well... [clears throat, then whispers] then I'll tell you.
Kyle: [giggling] Yes? Yes? [screams as he sees his reflection in a magic mirror]
Chum Chum: Mirrors!
Kyle: Could you please -- [smoke covers him, making him cough]
Chum Chum: Smoke!
Kyle: Do you mind?!? I'm trying to have a conversation!
Chum Chum: And I'm trying to get this invisible lady to her dressing room. Right this way, Ginger. [takes the invisible lady with him]

Kyle: So, Fantini, the ring trick. You were saying you'd tell me.
Fanboy: Ah, yes, I'll tell you...
[Kyle puts his ear forward]
Kyle: Hmm?
Fanboy: Why I can't tell you. A good magician never reveals his secrets. It is...the Magician's Cooooooode! Cooooooode!
Kyle: [grunts and teleports in front of Fanboy] Oh, that old thing. That's for old gray-bearded fuddy-duddies, not for you and I. We're the young generation. [waggles his eyebrow in the matter of Groucho Marx]
Fanboy: I'm sorry, Kyle. I'm not gonna tell you the secret.
Kyle: Grr!

[Kyle teleports before F&C again]
Kyle: I'll tell you a secret!
Fanboy: Kyle, I really don't need to hear --
Kyle: [holds up a teddy bear] I can't sleep a wink without my Admiral Fluffington. My teeth whistle when I breathe. [blows through teeth, making a loud whistle sound through his braces]
Fanboy: Oh!
Kyle: I like to chew my toenails. [chews sole of left foot] I fart fairies when I'm anxious. [farts]
Fairy: And that's how fairies are born!
Fanboy: Okay, did not need to know that.
Kyle: Now, will you tell me the secret?
Fanboy: I'm sorry, Kyle. I cannot.

[Kyle growls, then disappears. Later, at the Fanlair...]

Fanboy: Boy, this starter magic kit is the best thing we ever traded our lunch for.
Chum Chum: Yeah, but I'm staaaarving! [stomach grumbles] Maybe we can eat the rice from that rice trick?
Fanboy: Sure, buddy. I'll just open it up, and --
Fanboy and Chum Chum: DAH!
Kyle: [teething at the rings, in the box] Come apart, you filthy little -- oh, hello. This is awkward.
Fanboy: [carrying Kyle] Kyle, I told you for the last time, good magicians never --
Kyle: Reveal their secrets, I know. [pause] But no one said they can't trade their secrets for... [slips out of Fanboy's arms and takes out his wand, halting F&C] A magic wand?
[Kyle slowly waves the wand back and forth, as F&C sway along with it like snakes. They seem to be controlled by him]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: [charmed] Woooaaah!
[They continue to sway. We now show Kyle]
Kyle: Now you teach me the ring trick, and I'll give you...the wand!
[Fanboy starts to grab the wand, but draws his hand back]
Fanboy: Mm, I don't know. It's kind of just a skinny flashlight.
Kyle: A skinny...WHAT?!? It's a staff of concentrated power. It could conjure riches, dispel demon, make the very earth beneath your feet bubble with MOLTEN LAVA!!!
Fanboy: Ooh, lava. I guess I could take a few...pr-actice cuts. [grabs Kyle's wand with eyes closed, then starts to tingle] AAAAAAHHHHHH! [pain shoots through him as a light fog fills the room]
Kyle: Tell the secret! TELL...THE...SECRET.
Fanboy: Ohhhhhhh.
Chum Chum: Hey, Fanboy!
Fanboy: [lets go of wand, and light fog goes away] Yeah?
Chum Chum: Why do we need another pool of lava? [show lava pit out back] We never use the one we have.
Fanboy: Oh, yeah. Sorry, Kyle. No deal.

Kyle: But...the SECRET!!!
Fanboy: Boy, you're really not grasping this whole Magician's Code thing. Here, take my handy wallet-sized copy. The Great Fantini has committed it to memory. [as he says this, he puts a note in Kyle's hand] What do you say, Chum Chum? Want to skip rocks and watch them melt?
Chum Chum: Way ahead of you!
[F&C laugh as they exit]
Kyle: Stupid Magician's Code! [reading the note] "A good magician never reveals his secrets, except to his assistant". [at the camera] Yes. Or someone who looks like his assistant? [mainical laughter]

[A fairy from earlier flies by, transitioning the scene to the park. Kyle and Chum Chum are on the jungle gym sharing Frosty Freezy Freezes together]
Chum Chum: Boy, Kyle, it was nice of you to invite me for a pony ride. But where's the pony?
Kyle: [sneakily] Oh, he'll be along any second.
[A griffin comes down and takes Chum Chum away]
Chum Chum: Your pony's hooves are tearing my flesh!
Kyle: Just give him a sugar cube and pat him on the beak.
Chum Chum: Okay!

[At the Fanlair...]
Fanboy: All right, "Hold the saw over belly crosswise." [hears a knock at the door] Ugh, why do people always knock when you're in the tub?
[He walks to the door and opens it to reveal Chum Chum smiling cheesy at him, who gulps. "Chum Chum" is actually Kyle in disguise]
Fanboy: Uh, hey, Chum Chum. Why'd you knock? You live here.
Kyle (as Chum Chum): I don't know.
Fanboy: Wait a minute. I know what it is. You're not smiling! Come here, you! [talks weird while tossing Kyle-Chum Chum, who laughs] Come on, give me that smile. Now, there's the tinny grin I love. Hey, now that you're home, you can saw me in half.
Kyle (as Chum Chum): Oh, ordinarily, I'd leap at the chance. However, perhaps it's time you taught me the secret to that ring trick.
Fanboy: Oh. Well, you are my assistant. [Kyle-Chum Chum titters] Here you go. The rings and the instructions. Knock yourself out!
Kyle (as Chum Chum): You mean all this time, there were instructions? [starts to reach for the instructions, but the real Chum Chum walks in]
Chum Chum: FANBOY, STOP!!! [Kyle-Chum Chum grumbles]
Fanboy: Chum Chum, don't interuppt. I am just about to give you this amazingly awesome secret.
Chum Chum: That's not me! THAT'S KYLE DISGUISED AS ME!!!!!
Fanboy: [gasp] Is this true?
Kyle (as Chum Chum): That's preposterous. I'm Chum Chum, and, uh...that charlatan is Kyle pretending to be me.
[Fanboy looks back and fourth between the two Chum Chums]
Chum Chum: Then this will prove he's an imposter. [To Kyle-Chum Chum] If you are Chum Chum, what's your favorite snack?
Kyle (as Chum Chum): Uh...crumpets and a spot of tea?
Chum Chum: [pause] Oh, poo. That is my favorite snack. I guess you really are me!
Kyle (as Chum Chum): Without a scintilla of doubt!

Fanboy: Well, if you're him, that must mean you're really Kyle.
Chum Chum: Oh! You're right! Then, I must be british! [british accent] 'Ello, guv'nor!

(Song: Fish and Chips)

Chum Chum: Fish and chips, kidney pie
Driving on the left, do-do-do!
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Fish and chips, kidney pie
Driving on the left!

Fanboy: [laughs] Chum Chum, come listen to Kyle's funny voice. Chum Chum?
Kyle (as Chum Chum): [cackling] I'm not Chum Chum, you fool! [waves wand and becomes himself again] I'm Kyle the Conjurer, and soon I will be Kyle the Ring-Unlinkererer...er.
Fanboy: [for a moment, still thinks he's tricked] Chum Chum, where you going with the rings? Kyle, did you know Chum Chum was magic?
Chum Chum: [british accent] Blimey!

[F&C are defiant. On the roof...]
Kyle: [hops onto roof and cackles]
Fanboy: [He and Chum Chum hop onto the roof] Come back here!
Chum Chum: Give it up, Kyle!
Kyle: [laughs as he jumps onto the balcony]
Chum Chum: There's no way off this roof!
Kyle: Did you really think I wouldn't have an escape plan? Come to daddy, my pet.
[A griffin comes down. F&C are shocked. They both gasp]
Kyle: Ha, ha! Now, my griffin shall spirit me away to safety and -- [hears Chum Chum laugh] Huh?
Chum Chum: Easy, Betty! [giggles as the griffin does a flip]
Fanboy: Ho, ho! Good girl! [gives her a treat]
Kyle: I should have traded him in for that pre-owned hydra when I had the chance.

[The griffin swats the rings and instructions away]
Kyle: The instructions! the rings! No! I've come too far! [jumps off the roof and grabs the rings. He looks down to see he's over the lava pit] Oh, no. [Falls, and Fanboy grabs him and pulls him up]
Fanboy: Hang on, Kyle! I'll pull you up!
Kyle: No! I'd rather plummet to my demise than go on without knowing how to do that ring trick!
Fanboy: That's crazy! You fall into lava just because you don't know how to rotate your rist a quarter turn, then gently pull?!? [puts hand over mouth] Oh, no!
[Kyle's eyes get huge. He suddenly remembers what to do]
Kyle: You mean like this? [rotates his wrist a quarter pull, then pulls down, disconnecting the ring. He slowly falls downward] Ha, ha. I did it! I truly am the lord of the rings! [hits lava] Oh, poo.

[F&C look at the griffin. She flies down, rescues Kyle from the lava and carries him away, like in the pilot episode.]
Kyle: Oh! Your talons are digging into my burns!
Fanboy: You know, Chum Chum, Kyle's a good guy and all, but I don't think magic is his thing.
[He expands the ring he's holding and brings it down, making he and Chum Chum disappear. The episode ends.]

Previous:
"Battle of the Stands"
Transcripts Next:
"The Incredible Chulk"

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