[Scene opens up showing Galaxy Hills Elementery School, then the cafeteria. Fanboy and Chum Chum, acting like monkeys, burst through the door]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: [monkey noises]
Fanboy: Monkey want pizza!
Fanboy and Chum Chum: [monkey noises]
Chum Chum: Me want pizza also!
[They stop and spy Kyle reading Necronomicon]
Fanboy: Hey Kyle, it's Pizza Day! Come play "Pizza Monkeys" with us!
Kyle: [not so thrilled] You two are..."Pizza Monkeys"?
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Mm-hmm! [monkey noises]
Kyle: What do you do? Throw your...pooperoni?
Fanboy and Chum Chum: [laugh and hug Kyle] Pooperoni!
Kyle: [sighs, at the camera] I'm witty day after day, and this is what they laugh at.
[Hank goes onstage to start an assembly]
Hank: I -- I don't think it's on. It's -- I -- oh, I hear myself. Attention, students! After 68 years of loyal service, lunch lady Mildred has retired to her beachfront mansion in the south of France. We'll all miss her burnt fish sticks and, of course, her uncontrollable temper.
Chum Chum: I'll think of her every time a stove's thrown out a window.
Hank: It's time for a fresh spirit in the kitchen. And here she is now, from parts unknown, our new lunch lady...MRS. CRAM!!!
[The curtain opens to reveal a crate. It bursts open revealing Mrs. Cram]
Mrs. Cram: Do you all like pizza?
Mrs. Cram: That's 'cause you haven't had MINE!
Kids: [dejected] Awwww.
Chum Chum: I want the stove thrower back.
[Close up of Fanboy's lunch tray. A blop of red glop is dropped on it. Zoom out to show F&C]
Fanboy: That -- is not pizza.
Chum Chum: PIZZA MONKEY NO LIKE!!! [angry monkey noises]
Mrs. Cram: This glop's whatever I say it is. Today is pizza, Tomorrow is meat larf!
Chum Chum: My tummy's scared!
Mrs. Cram: Oh, don't be such a baby! Because you don't like it, that doesn't mean the next guy won't? [drops some glop on Hank's lunch tray]
Hank: [sobs] I can't eat that!
Fanboy: You know what? I don't really need lunch today. Come on, Chum Chum, I have a tube of lip balm we can split. [holds up some mint flavored lip balm]
Chum Chum: [sniff] Mmm, medicated.
Fanboy: So we'll just dispose of these. [sees no trash can] Huh? Hey, where's the trash can?
Mrs. Cram: I threw it in the trash can!
Chum Chum: Is that possible?
Mrs. Cram: [Looms before F&C] There's no more throwing food out around here!!! Understand?
Fanboy: I understand perfectly. So if you could just return this to the murky swamp from whence it came... [Mrs. Cram glares at them. At Chum Chum] Chum Chum, I think lunchtime has drawn to a close. Shall we take an early recess? [He and Chum Chum give her their trays]
[They head for the door, but it slams shut before they can escape. One by one, Mrs. Cram stares at each door making it shut. Hank tries to leave but bonks his nose into one of the doors]
Hank: Ow! My breathing holes!
Mrs. Cram: No one leaves this cafeteria until they've cleaned their plates!
[Scene changes to later on as we see the dejected kids staring at their glop. Nancy sticks her fork in the glop, but shrieks when it melts and withers. Michael stares at his glop and pokes it, but then it forms a finger and pokes his eye]
[On F&C, staring at their glop]
Chum Chum: How does she expect us to eat this? [His eyes start to burn] It’s burning my eyes just to look at it!
Kyle: [Walks over to F&C and sits down with them] You public school students are so soft. Why, at Milkweed Academy, I was once forced to consume a beaver stomach tartare in a swamp bilge ragout. This'll be like a spoonful of Turkish delight. [takes a spoonful, releasing a cloud of fart] Oh, my. [gags] I'm going to be unwell! [topples over]
Mrs. Cram: I HEAR IT COMING UP, BUT I DON'T SEE IT GOING DOWN! START SLURPING!!!! IT'LL MAKE YOU BIG, AND STRONG!!!!! [as she says this, she lifts Fanboy and Chum Chum's table and then drops it to the ground. She then leaves]
Fanboy: Maybe if we wash it down with milk?
Chum Chum: Uh-uh. The milk only makes it angrier. [drops some milk onto the glop, but that makes it roar and act like a dog]
Fanboy: Forget the milk. [empties the milk carton] What we need is the carton. [Puts the carton in front of him and fills it with every dish of glop] Viola. That is all we have to do.
[Later on, Mrs. Cram is reading a cat magazine when Fanboy and the gang walks by. All have empty trays except Fanboy, who has the milk carton with glop in it]
Fanboy: Well, we're all done. We enjoyed all of it: the scooping it up, the chewing, the swallowing. Mm-mmm!
[Mrs. Cram notices that Fanboy's milk carton is shaking]
Mrs. Cram: Why's your milk carton vibrating?!
Fanboy: [Nervously] Um, it's a milkshake?
Mrs. Cram: OPEN IT!!!
[All the glop explodes from the carton, making a geyser of glop burst out of the roof. Everyone has glop on their heads]
Lupe: Maybe we shouldn't have stuffed it all in one cartons.
[The glop gets placed onto everyone's trays again. Even glop is swept off the floor and put onto Chuggy's tray. All of the kids are dejected once more as they stare at their glop. Kyle however, has another idea]
Kyle: Well, the rest of you can stay and gawk at your goop. I have on my possessions, a very large compendium of spell and charms. [Holds up Necronomicon] Necronomicon, I need you're help to make something disappear.
[Kyle walks up to Mrs. Cram and gives her his empty tray]
Kyle: Thanks ever so for the nummy-nummies. Now, I'm off to do some light reading whilst thy digest.
[Mrs. Cram swipes Necronomicon]
Mrs. Cram: Gimme that! Doesn't feel light to me! [shakes Necronomicon]
Necronomicon: No! No! Don't shake me! No, no!
Kyle: [nervously] Careful, that's a very delicate volume.
Necronomicon: Oh, oh! I think I'm going to...
[Mrs. Cram faces Necronomicon to Kyle. Cut to an extreme close-up of Necronomicon, cheeks stuffed, ready to puke. We now see an extreme close-up of Kyle's face. He has a horrified expression. Cut back to the table. The kids look on in disgust as Necronomicon pukes on Kyle. Kyle then walks back to the table, head covered in glop, angry, and holding Necromicon]
Necronomicon: Ohh. It appears that I have gone through my entire table of contents.
[The kids are glumly staring at their glop once more]
Hank: Someone needs to go stand up to that woman. [Stands up, leaving the kids indignant] Don’t look at me! She scares me!
Fanboy: Look, I'm sure she's a reasonable lady. We just got to bring her to the bargaining table.
[In the kitchen, Mrs. Cram is knitting a sweater when Fanboy pops out of one of the cooking pots]
Fanboy: Knitting a sweater for the grandkid?
Mrs. Cram: It's for my cat! She's 55 lbs. of love! [Then, mean] So, d'you finished your glop? It'll make you BIG, AND STRONG!!!!
Fanboy: That's what I wanted to talk about, Mrs. Cram. May I call you Cramella? [Mrs. Cram has a blank face] Crama-lama-ding-dong? Okay, not budging on the name. I'll cut to the cheese. We'd like to go, you'd like us to stay here till our bones crumble to dust. I think there's a middle ground. So I'm gonna write a number for how many minutes I think we should stay. Does that sound like something you'd be interested in? [As he says this, he picks up some paper and writes something on it. He then hands Mrs. Cram the paper]
Mrs. Cram: [Reading the paper] This isn't a number, it's a W.
Fanboy: You drive a hard bargain! Okay, tell you what. I'll cut my offer in half [tears the piece of paper in half] from a W to just a U.
Mrs. Cram: That's a V.
Fanboy: [Drops the paper] Ugh! Look, if you're not even gonna negotiate!
[Back in the cafeteria, the kids are staring at their glop when Fanboy comes back]
Fanboy: Good news! We struck a deal. We don't have to eat everything.
Duke/Nancy/Michael/Cher/Chris Chuggy: Yay!
Chum Chum: Yay!
Fanboy: Just the food.
Duke/Nancy/Michael/Cher/Chris Chuggy: [groaning]
Chum Chum: Yay!
Lupe: You have to play the hardballs with her.
Kyle: It's hopeless! She's never going to open those doors. We're like a kitten stuck in a tree.
Fanboy: [Thinks of Mrs. Cram's cat magazine from earlier] Hmm. Kyle, you just gave me an idea! I know how to get those doors open. But it's gonna take a lot guts, and a whole lot of glop.
Chum Chum: Well, we've got the glop. Or is this the guts?
[Later, the kids put on a convincing play while using glop as the costumes and props]
Kyle: [stagey] Oh! Someone do help! There's an adorable kitten stuck in the tree!
Mrs. Cram: A kitty? Stuck? Where?!
Kyle: Here. On the proscenium. [whispers] Curtain!
[The curtain opens revealing a red glop tree. On the branch at the top, Chum Chum is dressed in a cat costume made out of glop]
Chum Chum: Meow!
Mrs. Cram: [gasp] A poor, scared kitty!! WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!!!
Lupe: I will call for help on my cell phone. [shows her glop phone] It is a real cell phone. [At the camera] And not made of goop. [Fanboy gives her a thumbs up] Hello, firemens? It is a cat. He's stuck. And he is real.
[She hangs up. The glop fire patrol comes onto the stage. Fanboy and the other kids are wearing glop fire helmets]
Fanboy: Have no fear, lunch madame! We'll save the cat! [Parks the glop fire truck at the tree and sets up its ladder. He climbs up until he reaches Chum Chum] Here, kitty, kitty. Nice kitty. [Chum Chum hisses] OW! STOP IT, YOU CRAZY CAT! AH! [Grabs him by the cape. He growls] Oh, come on, you love being carried like this. [carries him down the ladder]
Mrs. Cram: Oh, bless you! You saved that adorable little -[notices the size of him] Wow. I thought my cat was large.
Chum Chum: It's glandular.
Yo: [nervous giggle] Well, we'd better get him to a cat doctor for observation.
Mrs. Cram: What for?
Fanboy: Because he's clearly suffering from post tree-matic stress.
Mrs. Cram: Hmm.
Fanboy: So can you open the door so we can leave right away?
Mrs. Cram: Of course! Anything to help a big round kitty.
[She goes over to the door and slowly opens it. Overjoyed, the kids swoon and gasp. Suddenly, at the last minute, Mrs. Cram suddenly slams the door shut]
Mrs. Cram: Oh, no!
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Yeah! [Start to slap hands, but stop]
Mrs. Cram: Something's burning! [briefly, we see the burning cooking pot of glop] My glop's on fire!
Fanboy: Man your stations! This is not a drill. Give me full pressure on the main pump! [rolls out the hose on the fire truck]
Yo: Fanboy, wait! We're not real--
[Too late! Fanboy sprays glop out of the hose at the burning pot]
Fanboy: Take that, fire!
[As he sprays, the fire truck melts and becomes regular glop again]
Mrs. Cram: [grabs Fanboy by the neck and sees the glop messed up all over the cafeteria] You little sneaks! You aren't real firemen!
Fanboy: And yet I put out a fire. Kind of makes you stop questioning what's real and what isn't, huh?
Mrs. Cram: No, it doesn't!
Chum Chum: Not even a little?
Mrs. Cram:Quiet, tubby kitty, or I'll lock you in your litter box. [Chum Chum meows sadly]
Mrs. Cram: Now listen up, all of you! No one's leaving until this place is licked clean! And don't worry about soap. I put some in the glop when I ran out of paprika. Now get to lickin'!
[Close-up of a tongue licking some glop. Pull out to show Nancy licking and swallowing the glop. Hank is licking the glop as well]
Hank: It's not half bad, actually.
Fanboy and Chum Chum: [sigh]
Fanboy: She really knows how to take the fun out of licking floors. [he and Chum Chum go back to licking]
[On Kyle, holding his stomach and groaning. Suddenly, he begins to grow into a giant]
Kyle: Woah! [stops growing and hits the celing] Hello?
Yo: [grows] Whoa!
Hank: Oh, no. [grows]
Lupe: [grows] Aye!
[One by one, the kids grow. On F&C who are the last]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: [grow] Whoa!
Chum Chum: What's happening to us?
Mrs. Cram: You're growing! Just like I said! Aw, nobody listens anymore.
Fanboy: We're big! Awesome! Hey, didn't she also say "strong"?
[He presses the wall making it fall down. The kids run out and head home]
Fanboy: Thanks for the lunch, Cramalama-ding-dong.
Chum Chum: See you tomorrow!
[F&C go home]
Mrs. Cram: Hey, how am I gonna patch up this wall? Ugh, I guess I'll make some more glop. [Walks back into the school]