Return to "Kids in the Hall".

[Scene opens at Galaxy Hills Elementery School]
Kyle: [from inside] My application to Milkweed is almost complete. [We now see him at his desk, with a quill and paper] All that's a 3,000 word essay. I have to get this just right.
Mr. Mufflin: Attention, class! I am now accepting applications for the position of Hall Monitor.
[Everyone stares at Kyle]
Kyle: Huh?
Mr. Mufflin: We're all looking at you, Suck-Up.
Kyle: Thank you, no.
Fanboy: [offscreen] Did somebody say... [He and Chum Chum enter through the roof] Hall Monitors?
[Mr. Mufflin coughs from the smoke]
Fanboy: Fanboy and Chum Chum, professional Hall Monitors, at your service.
[Fanboy gives Mr. Mufflin a card reading "Fanboy & Chum Chum See U!"]
Mr. Mufflin: But, but I --
Fanboy: But, you want to know how I knew you needed a Hall Monitor, don't you? We planted a bug on you! That's how!
Chum Chum: Actually, it's a cat.
Fanboy: Yes, it's a cat! Because that's what we do. We monitor...staff. Chum Chum, camera 1. [Show a camera displaying an overview of the classroom] Camera 2. [Chum Chum shows a camera from Chuggy's mouth] And camera 3. [Presses a button on a pen in the pocket on Mr. Mufflin's shirt]
Mr. Mufflin: Okay, okay, you got the job, Purple Kid. [Pushes Fanboy away] Geez, it's just a hallway.
Fanboy: Thank you, sir. You won't be sorry. Chum Chum, we got the job!
Chum Chum: [Emerges from Mr. Mufflin's mouth with camera 4 in it] Does it pay? Because I went a little over budget on camera 4.

[Later that day. We see F&C come in wearing Hall Monitor hats and sashes]
Fanboy: This is the moment we've been waiting for. [holding his sash] Remember, this sash isn't just a bold fashion statement... [Breifly, they pose weird as to what Fanboy said] It's a solemn symbol of responsibility and safety.
[The bell rings. The other kids run into the hall and act wild, shouting chaoticly. Even Chimp Chomp joins in. The Hall Monitors get angry]
[everyone stops]
[They giggle]

[Meanwhile, in a dark classroom, Kyle is still writing his essay]
Kyle: Ugh, how can I concentrate with all that racket? [Snaps fingers, slamming the door shut] And so, in conclusion, if you see fit to re-admit me to Milkweed Academy --
[He stops to hear his crystal ball ringing. He picks it up to reveal Professor Flan calling him]
Professor Flan: Mr. Bloodworth-Thomason.
Kyle: Oh, Professor Flan, hello.
Professor Flan: Where is that essay you promised to deliver?
Kyle: Oh, messenger service was out of owls, so I'm sending it via carrier griffin, but the one that they sent seemed a little bit...ill-tempered?
[The griffin screeches badly, knocking the crystal ball out of his hands]
Professor Flan: No matter. I was just returning from a Raspberry Festival in Provence. [Seagulls bother him] Do mind where you're going!
Scrivener Elf: [Pulling Professor Flan's chariot] I said we should take the tunnel.
Professor Flan: At this time of day? Nonsense! [To Kyle] Anyway, I'll simply pop around the school and pick up your essay in person.
Kyle: Thank you sir, thank you. I shan't keep you waiting. [Makes crystal ball disappear, then leaves room]

[In hallway...]
Kyle: What the-woah! [Nancy spins him around, followed by Cheech and Chuggy doing a do-si-do with him. He then flies to the floor] Ahhh! [Yo picks him up and dances with him] Woah!
Fanboy: Well, swing your lad! Swing your lass!
Make sure that you have your pass!
Chum Chum: Bow to your gent, bow to your miss.
Walk, don't run, that means you, Chris!
Kyle: Stop it! Unhand me! [close-up] What is going on?
Fanboy: We told 'em to slow down...
Chum Chum: And it became a hoedown!
Kyle: Get off! [flies to the floor] Ahhhh! [gets trampled by a pig] Ugh!
Chum Chum: Oh, yeah, and a greased pig contest.
Catch that greasy sow!
[The kids run after the pig, trampling Kyle]
Fanboy: What do you say, Kyle? [Chum Chum blows his jug]]
Wanna do-si-do? [Chum Chum blows his jug again]
Kyle: Pushing F&C away] No, I do-si-don't. I simply want to get this very important essay... [Looks and sees he is not holding his essay] What? Where's my essay? [looks away and sees a goat chew it up] Ahhhh!
[bell rings]
Fanboy: Now, single file, one by one.
Get back to class, this sure was fun.
Kyle: No! I must deliver my essay posthaste!

[Back in class. Kyle is writing another essay]
Kyle: Almost finished. [Hears crystal ball]
Professor Flan: What is the big idea keeping me waiting in the sun, hmm? My scalp is starting to brulee. [Reveals that his head is sizzling]
Kyle: [salutes] Oh, yes, sir. I'll be right out with my essay and some butterscotch sunscreen. [He peeks into the hall, seeing no one] Perfect. Those ninny Hall Monitors are nowhere in sight. [riding broomstick] Professor Flan, here I come!

[He rides through the hall, humming. However, Fanboy sees that he is going 115mph, then rides Chum Chum to catch him. Kyle hears them]
Kyle: Oh, what now?
Chum Chum: [Siren sound, continues until after Kyle falls to the floor]
Fanboy: Pull over!
Kyle: Yes, it is a pullover. Thank you for noticing! I actually prefer cardigans, but Nana knitted this for my birth - [Fanboy knocks him over before he could finish]
[Cuts to Kyle lying on the ground, body in an impossible pose.]
Kyle: [groans]
[Fanboy approaches him]
Fanboy: [western accent] Whew, where's the fire?
Kyle: Yes, officer, I grant you. I was actually traveling a tad fast, but only because I need to deliver this very importent essay to a giant magic custard who's expiring in the sun. And --
Fanboy: [western accent] Giant magic custard, uh-huh? [sniffs Kyle] Sir, have you had any potions or elixers today?
Kyle: [laughing] What? Well - maybe one at breakfast, but that was hours ago. I mean --
Chum Chum: I ran his bristles, boss. He's got unpaid tickets for parking in a janitor's closet.
Fanboy: [western accent] Uh-huh. Sir, I'm gonna have to search your broom-hicle. [puts hand in broom bristles, revealing Necronomicon] Oooh, well, well, well...looks like we have ourselves a reader.
Chum Chum: [spit] Reading.
Necronomicon: Oh-ho-ho! Please, don't arrest me, please, don't arrest me! I just can't go to a prison library again. Everyone tries to hide chisels in my pages.
[Kyle sneakily approaches the Monitors]
Kyle: You know, officers, you really are to be commended. I don't know how you monitor all these hallways. Especially without one of...THESE?! [Shows his crystal ball to them, leaving them surprised]
Fanboy: Ooh, you can see every hallway in school.
Kyle: That's not all you can see, just have a closer look, and you'll see hallways you never dreamed of. [F&C start to lean toward the crystal ball] Closer. [F&C lean closer] Closer... [F&C lean in so close, their faces stick to the ball] That's it.
[Screaming, F&C get sucked into the ball]
Kyle: Oh, did I forget to mention it was also a portal to the netherworld of oblivion? My bad. [Mainical laughter. He then makes the ball disappear, then leaves]

Kyle: My essay! I must deliver my essay! Professor Flan! I've got the --
[He stops. In front of him stands a large portal blocking the door. Kyle quivers and moans worringly, thinking what happens next. Suddenly, Fanboy and Chum Chum leap from the portal. As they do this, their image is reflected in Kyle's eyes. F&C then knock Kyle to the ground]
Kyle: You two? Wha - how?
Chum Chum: Hey, Kyle, have you ever been to that oblivion place? It's awesome!
[Kyle rolls his eyes]
Kyle: But if you're here, that means...oh, dear. Please, tell me you closed the portal door behind you!
Fanboy: Of course! You think we were raised in a transdimensional barn?
Kyle: [relieved] Well, thank heavens.
Chum Chum: But we did leave the doggy door open.
Kyle: The what?!?
[They turn and stare at the portal. A three-headed dog comes out]
Chum Chum: Look, a puppy! [The dog turns and shows its three heads] Ooh, a whole litter!
Kyle: [uses his essay to scare the dog away] Back...back! Back, you devilish dog! [The dog chews his essay up] My essay!
Fanboy: Uh, I don't think he's done eating yet.
Chum Chum: Hey, Kyle, why don't you just use your wand?
Kyle: Why, that's brilliant. Why didn't I think of that? [waving wand] Dog-Guardia, Leviosa --
Fanboy: [takes the wand] Huh? You're taking too long. Aw, who's a good boy? Who wants to play fetch? Little three-headed doggie does, that's who. Fetch the stick, fetch it. [throws wand]
Kyle: No!
[Fanboy throws the wand into the portal, and the dog goes after it]
Fanboy: Hey, no running in the hallway! Come on, Chum Chum.
[F&C go after the dog, and the portal disappears]
Kyle: Well, that worked out nicely. [realizes something] But I have no time to write another essay!

[Iris to Professor Flan outside, holding a stickynote. It is sunset]
Professor Flan: This is what I've been melting all morning for?
[Close-up on the stickynote. It has a picture of Kyle with a heart and arrow. The arrow of the heart is pointing to Milkweed]
Kyle: It's my essay. See? [points to each picture as he describes it] That's me, and the heart represents my undying devotion for everything that is Milkweed.
Professor Flan: I ask you for a 3,000 word essay, and you give me THIS?!? Why, this is -- it's simply -- oh...beautiful.
Kyle: I know it's not exactly -- [realizing] What?
Professor Flan: Why, the elegance of its simplicity warms me to my slippery center. [Shakes Kyle's hand] Kyle Bloodworth-Thomason, if you'd be so kind as to sign this with your wand, I believe your application for re-admittance to Milkweed Adacamy is complete! [As he says this, he poofs up the "Milkweed Readmittance" scroll]
Kyle: Oh, my. This is wonderful! I can't wait to -- [he does not have his wand] Hm...strange. It would seem I don't have my wand.
Fanboy: [offscreen] Here it is, Kyle!
[F&C come out of another portal, on the dog]
Kyle: [to the dog] You...I've had just about all I can take from you. Now, sit! [the dog obeys] And give! [The dog gives him his wand back. He tries to leave, but the dog stops him] What is the matter with this infernal canine?
Fanboy: Well, duh, Kyle. He just did a trick for you.
Chum Chum: Yeah, if he does a trick, he has to have a treat.
Kyle: Treat? Where am I going to find a treat big enough for this animal? [Looks and sees the dog is spying on Professor Flan] Oh...oh...dear.
Professor Flan: Why are these lovely doggies looking at...why is he slobbering? And him, and him? [gets eaten by the dog] Kyle Bloodworth-Thomason, Milkweed application...ow, ooh, ow, ow, ow, [gets swallowed] DENIED!!!

Kyle: Oh, dear. This may set my re-admission process back...a bit.
Fanboy: Well, Kyle, there's always a spot for you in the Hall Monitors.
Kyle: [Cheering up] I suppose it wouldn't hurt to befoot my extra curriculars.
Chum Chum: Great! You're on spoons. [Hands him a pair of spoons to play]
[Cuts to him now in his beard in hat]
Chum Chum: YEEEEE-HAW!
[They each get on their hay bales. A banner drops, reading "The Hall Monitors". Everyone comes in and dances]
Kyle: Well...I do have the teeth for it! [playing the spoons] Goo-goo-goo-gla, ga-goo-goo-goo, goo-ga-ga-ga, ga-goo-goo-goo!
[Iris out to black.]

"Risky Brizness"
Transcripts Next:
"Frosty Mart Dream Vacation"

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