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Return to "Jingle Fever".
[The scene opens up showing the Frosty Mart. Lenny walks by a window and sees an ad]

Lenny: [reading the ad] "Write the winning jingle for the Frosty Mart and win a million Frosty Bucks"? WHAT?!? [sips] They're gonna let [sips] our customers write the jingle? [sips] But they're all idiots! [sips]

[F&C pop in through the door, singing and dancing]
(Song: The Dollar Dance)

Fanboy: Double D to the-
Chum Chum: O-
Fanboy: With a double L-
Chum Chum: and an A-
Fanboy: and an R-
Fanboy and Chum Chum: What's that spell? Dollar, uh-huh, uh-huh! Dollar, uh-huh, uh-huh!

Fanboy: Listen up yal, cause it's time to do...the Dollar Dance!
Chum Chum: What dance?
Fanboy: The Dollar Dance!
Fanboy and Chum Chum: The Dollar Dance!

Fanboy: First you get a dollar...
Chum Chum: A nice, crispy dollar...
Fanboy: And you shake it in the air like you just don't care!
Chum Chum: (I don't care!)
Fanboy: And wiggle it about, and turn it all around...
Chum Chum: Around!
Fanboy: Cause now you just did...

Fanboy and Chum Chum: The Dollar Dance!
Fanboy: Say what?
Fanboy and Chum Chum: The Dollar Dance! THE DOLLAR DANCE!!!

[Lenny starts to moan and quiver. Scene dissolves to his fantasy of F&C winning the contest]
Agent Johnson: [shaking Fanboy's hand] Congratulations, Fanboy and Chum Chum! Your jingle just won a million Frosty Bucks! What are you gonna do now?
Fanboy: Well, first we'd like to roll around in it, like so.
[Briefly, they roll around in the money]
Fanboy: And then, we'd like to spend a dollar a day for a million days here at the Frosty Mart with our best friend, Lenny!
[Spotlight on a dumbfounded Lenny. Kazoo music plays as F&C dance around him]
[End of fantasy]

[Dissolve to an extreme close-up of Lenny's eyes. He wimpers, only to see Fanboy's hand come into view]
Fanboy: Hello? Lenny? [zoom out to show him waving his hand in Lenny's face] Lenny! La-la-la-la Lenny!
[Lenny screams and faints]
Fanboy: Hey, me and Chum Chum have a problem. You see, we only have a dollar, and we just cannot agree what to spend it on. Man, I wish we had more money. [Notices the ad on the window] Huh? Hey, what's that new poster all about?
[Lenny screams and throws the register at the window, making a hole in it]
Fanboy: Why'd you do that, Lenny?
Lenny: Oh, just such a nice day. Thought you'd enjoy some fresh air. [breathes deeply]
Radio announcer: Hey, all you Wacky Wednesday listeners! How would you like to win a million --
[Lenny smashes the radio]
Fanboy: Why'd you do that, Lenny?
Lenny: Oh, just thought you'd rather listen to the soothing sounds of the in-store muzak. [imatates soothing music on speaker]
Fanboy: Oh, that is nice.
Chum Chum: Very pleasant.
[The music changes to the contest ad]
Radio announcer: We interrupt this muzak to announce the Frosty Mart Jingle Con --
[Lenny throws a mop at the speaker, breaking it]
Lenny: [breathing deeply]
Radio announcer: --Test, where you get to write the new jingle.
Lenny: Ah!
Radio announcer: Remember to submit your jungle by 5:00 today...
[Lenny rips the other speaker out of the wall and proceeds to destroy the others]
Radio announcer: I just can't stop talking about this jingle contest! Whoo! No purchase necessary. Void in cali -- That's a whole nother --
[All speakers are destroyed]

Lenny: [dragging the ruined speakers] Boy, am I butter fingers today. [Throws the speakers out of the scene] Well, let's get you two rung up and on your way out of here. [starts to push them out]
Fanboy: But we haven't picked out what we want yet!
Lenny: [stops pushing and thinks] Here, take two of everything!
[He rolls them out in a full cart]
Fanboy: But we haven't paid!
Chum Chum: Yeah, don't you want our dollar?
Lenny: It's on the house. [the doors close] [sighs] Whew. Too close.
[The doors open, F&C are eating something]
Chum Chum: Thanks for the snack, Lenny.
[they swallow]
Fanboy: Yeah, now we have all the energy we need to write out jingle for the Frosty Mart Contest.

[They blast out of the screen, Lenny coughs from the smoke. A fanfare sounds, followed by some Hip Hop music. Dollarnator beatboxes to the beat as F&C work on their first jingle: a rap]

(Song: Frosty Freezy Freeze Rap)

Chum Chum: Yo, what's your favorite drink at the Frosty Mart? It's a...
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Frosty Freezy Freeze!

Fanboy: I need an F, an R, an O
An S, a T, a Y
Uhh...and then another F!

Lenny: [groans]
Chum Chum: [over] A Frosty Freezy Freeze!

[Scene goes to night, then back to day. F&C are still working]
Fanboy: Give me an F, to the R, to the O, to the D
To the M, to the A, to the R, to the 3!
[Lenny gets exasperated as he groans more]
I need an F, an R, a double E, then a Z, an E...

Fanboy: Wait a minute, am I on "Freeze" or "Freezy"?
Lenny: [twitching] You're...on "Frosty"!
Fanboy: "Frosty". [pause] CUT! CUT! This is never gonna work.
Dollarnator: I thought the beat was phat.
Fanboy: [pause] Hey, what was that first thing we had?
Chum Chum: Hmm. Mmm... [picks up a music sheet and reads it off] Frooostyyyy Maaaart! Oh, wait, that's not right.
Fanboy: No, wait a minute. Try that again.
Chum Chum: Frooostyyyy Maaaart!
Dollarnator: [pause] Ding.
Fanboy: Nice "ding," Dollarnator.
Dollarnator: I was riding on your groove, man.
Fanboy: No, it's good. It's good! But is it good enough?

[Hank enters the Mart, floating]
Hank: Ohhhhhhhh. I was ten blocks away, when suddenly I felt compelled to shop at the... Frooostyyyy Maaaart! Diiiing! [knocks Fanboy away] You know where I can find it?
[Dollarnator and Chum Chum smile at each other]
Fanboy: Dollarnator, tell me you were recording on that last take!
[Dollarnator rewinds the tape on his player and plays it back]
Chum Chum on player: Frooostyyyy Maaaart!
Dollarnator on player: Ding.
Dollarnator: Got it.
Fanboy: Gentlemen, we have our jingle! High four!
[they slap hands]
Fanboy/Chum Chum/Dollarnator: [singing] DING!

[Fanboy, Chum Chum and Dollarnator talk in the background]
Lenny: That jingle was actually catchy, and surprisingly effective in bringing in customers.
Hank: [floats by and puts groceries on the counter] I don't know why, but I'll take all this. Ding!
Lenny: [gasp] I've gotta destroy it!

Fanboy: Maaaart!
Dollarnator: Ding.
Lenny: Hey, great session. Uh, why don't you take five? Frosty Freezy Freezes on me. [gets ready to throw them]
Chum Chum: Wow. Musicians really do get all the -- [gets thrown] perrrrrrks!
[they crash into something]
Fanboy: Whoa!
Lenny: [walks over to Dollarnator] Heeeey, crazy futuristic robot thing, haha. Come over here, I want to show you something.
[They approach the microwave]
Lenny: It's right here, next to the microwave.
Dollarnator: No! I should not be near a microwave! I have a pacemaker!
Lenny: Aw, that's too bad. Then I'll just put it on BAKED POTATO!!!
[Lenny puts the microwave on "high" and it sends out burning waves]
Dollarnator: [mumbling] Circuits misfiring. Memory erasing. Hot dogs defrosting! [hits ground, spits out hot dogs and gags] [Lenny laughs evily, then turns the microwave off]

[F&C approach, drinking their freeze]
Chum Chum: Ooh, hot dogs too. I love being a rock star.
Fanboy: Hey, Lenny. Want to hear our jingle?
Lenny: I'd love to.
Fanboy: Hit it, Dollarnator!
[Dollarnator tries to start up, but he couldn't]
Chum Chum: W-where is it?
Dollarnator: I have lost total recall! Someone has erased my jingle all the way! Who am I? I think I have to get my butt to mars -- get my butt to mars -- get my butt to mars -- [falls over]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: [gasp]
Lenny: Aw, that's too bad. You really can't trust those old machines...from the future.
Chum Chum: You mean...o-our jingle is gone?
Fanboy: That's okay, we can remember it. F-f-f-f-f Oh, I can't think! I got the brain freeze something bad, man.
Lenny: I guess it's true what they say about the jingle industry. Chews you up and spits you out. [presses register]
[F&C groan sadly]

[Later, Lenny is humming while cleaning the counter. He finds F&C, who sigh. He goes outside to sweep the doorstep, but looks down. F&C are on the broom, sighing. Lenny goes back in and hums while stocking the shelves. He sees F&C on the shelf and screams. F&C sigh]
Lenny: It was just a stupid jingle, cheer up!
Fanboy: Well, the only thing that cheers us up is singing our cheer up song.
Lenny: Then sing your stupid cheer up song.
Chum Chum: Yeah, but our cheer up song's about --
Lenny: JUST SING IT!
Fanboy: [sighs] All right. I guess it's worth a shot.

[They walk out of the scene and a piano plays a smooth intro. Briefly we see a curtain, but then it opens up to reveal Fanboy and Chum Chum as they start to sing]

(Song: Live at the Frosty Mart!)

Fanboy and Chum Chum: When we're both feeling down
And we're wearing a frown
And you can't pry us up off the floor...
There's only one thing
That makes our hearts sing
That's the "ding" of a sliding glass door!

[They dance on the mat, making it open and close for several seconds]

Lenny: Ugh! Just sing your stupid song already!
Fanboy: Well, if you're gonna be THAT way about it...
Chum Chum: Hmph.

[F&C walk out of the mart briefly, but powerslide back in]

Fanboy and Chum Chum: We want to live at the Frosty Mart!
Lenny: Oh, please, no.
Fanboy and Chum Chum: It's open all 24 hours
We'd lay our heads in hot dog beds
And take Frosty Freezy Freeze showers

We want to work at the Frosty Mart!
We'll gladly be its willing slaves
Chum Chum: It would be neat-o to serve your buritto
Fanboy: Fresh from the microwave

Fanboy and Chum Chum: The Frosty Mart's so gleaming and spotless
We must have tiny convince store elves
Lenny: Yeah, right.
Fanboy and Chum Chum: You can find what you want for a lot less
Fanboy: If Boog ever restocks the shelves?

Boog: Get off my back, already. I'm playing a Chimp Chomp solo.

[Musical electronic beeps are heard as Boog plays his solo]

Fanboy and Chum Chum: The Frosty Mart is always part of where I want to play!
It's also got the perfect start of every perfect day!
So pull apart a shopping cart and let's be on our way...

To the freeziest, the cheesiest, the guard against the sneeziest,
The classiest, sunglassiest, the toxic nacho gaseous,
To live at the Frosty Mart...
Lenny: You practically do already.
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Today!
We want to live at the Frosty Mart!

Dollarnator: Ding.
[F&C pant. Suddenly, the door opens to reveal agent Johnson clapping slowly]
Agent Johnson: That. Was. Amazing! Agent Johnson, head of security and all Frosty Mart related jubilation. Gentlemen, that little diddy is perfect for our new store jingle.
Fanboy: Hey, yeah, it was pretty good. Why didn't we just submit that?
Chum Chum: Let's do it now!
Lenny: Ah! You can't, it's too late. The contest's over, and you didn't win it. It's after 5:00.
Boog: No, it ain't. That clock's fast.
Lenny: WHAT?
Boog: Every day I set it an hour ahead. Sometimes two if I want to catch a matinee.
[Agent Johnson folds his arms and clears his throat]
Boog: Oops, got to go. I mean, stay! Heh.
Fanboy: So, that means...

[Fanboy and Chum Chum win!]
Agent Johnson: [shaking Fanboy's hand] Congratulations! You boys are the official winners of the Frosty Mart Jingle Contest! And here's your prize: One million Frosty Bucks! What are you gonna do now?
Fanboy: Well, first we'd like to roll around in it, and then we'd like to spend a dollar a day for a million days here at the Frosty Mart with our best friend Lenny! [echo]
[F&C hug Lenny]
Lenny: Huh?
[The spotlight goes out]
Dollarnator: Ding.

Previous:
"Saving Private Chum Chum"
Transcripts Next:
"Eyes on the Prize"

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