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Return to "Hex Games".

[Scene opens on a shot of the moon, then Kyle flies past. Shift to Kyle as he makes a flirtatious look at the camera. Camera zooms in on him as he wiggles his nose]

Kyle: Ah. The freedom of the open sky, away from the annoyances of the mortal world.
[He passes by Fanboy and Chum Chum literally walking on air]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Hi, Kyle!
Kyle: What? [crashes into mailbox, F&C approach] What are you doing here?
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Duh! Getting our air mail.
Fanboy: [opens mailbox] Yes! It came! Our new video came! [takes out a game box]
Chum Chum: We've spent the last six weeks building up our thumb muscles!
[Scene shows an extreme close up of Chum Chum's thumbs]
OH, YEAH.
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Wanna play with us?
Kyle: [takes the game box] "Sigmund the Sorcerer's Wizard Challenge". Ugh! The real challenge is keeping down your lunch when you look at it. Pass!
Fanboy: Come on, Kyle! Haven't you ever wanted to learn how to be a wizard?
Kyle: Well, I must confess, the thought did cross my mind. Uh, when was that? Oh, yes...DURING MY TEN YEARS OF STUDYING WIZARDRY! WITH A MINOR IN WIZARDCRAFT! AT THE MILKWEED! ACADEMY! OF WIZARDING!
Chum Chum: Oh. Milkweed Academy, that's a thing on the box. "Complete the game and win admission to Milkweed Academy".
Kyle: [gasp] A chance to get back into Milkweed?! Well, what are we waiting for?

[Kyle waves his wand in an odd way, which transitions the scene to the Fanlair. We see an extreme close up of the game disk in Chum Chum's hand]

Chum Chum: Ooh, I can't wait to play.
Kyle: [takes the disk] Give me that. As the only real wizard here, I shall commence the game playery. [waving wand] Gameus Beginnius! [nothing works] Ugh, how do I get this to start?!
Chum Chum: Uh, you put it in the Hex Box?

[F&C gesture toward the Hex Box. It hisses and cackles robotically as Chum Chum puts the game disk in the slot. As soon as the slot goes in, the Hex Box begins to glow red and the lights in the Fanlair go out. Instantly, the Hex Box's hologram display lights up and Sigmund appears]

Fanboy and Chum Chum: [gasp] Whoa!
Sigmund: Congratulations on your purchase of my latest und greatest Merchan-dazzle: Sigmund ze Sorcerer's Vizard Challenge!
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Whoa!
Kyle: Ugh, even his hologram is insufferable!
Sigmund: [at Fanboy] You!
Fanboy: Me? Oh, he picked me!
Sigmund: Are you ready for ze ultimate video game challenge?
Fanboy: Yes! My life's work has led to this moment.
Sigmund: [produces virtual keyboard] Zhen, enter your vizard name.
Fanboy: [typing] I shall be...Fandalf! Or Fanlaria!
Sigmund: [passes the keyboard to Chum Chum] Player 2, enter your vizard name.
Chum Chum: [typing] Gorlock the Warlock...Sucker of...Souls.
Sigmund: Now, wizards, Choose your apprentice.
Fanboy: That's you, Kyle! [spins his head]
Kyle: I'm not an apprentice, I'm a full-fleged wizard. [hears typing]
Fanboy: Already done.
Sigmund: Velcome, Pyle the Apprentice.
Kyle: What?! [goes to the keyboard and types] No, it's "Kyle"! Kyle, with a K?
[the keyboard disappears]

Sigmund: Fandalf! Gorlock! Pyle the Insignificant, choose your controllers!
[Fanboy and Chum Chum see two black glove controllers with attached wands]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Awesome!
Kyle: Wait, What -- what about me? Where's my controller?
Sigmund: Vands are for vizards! You will be the shoe.
[A black shoe controller appears on Kyle's left hand]
Kyle: A shoe? How am I going to work --

Sigmund: Wizards! Let's warm up our wands, shall we? On zis! [releases bats] Oh, no! My lucky bats have escaped from zeir belfry und whatnot. For every one you zap, I shall reward you -- with a dazzling coin. [tosses bats]
Fanboy: I'll strafe left!
Chum Chum: I'll flank right!
Kyle: Ah!
[F&C begin zapping the bats one by one, getting a coin in return. The screen briefly says "COMBO"]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Yeah!/Yay!
Sigmund: Oh, your assistant uz taking heavy fire!
[pan over to Kyle, surrounded by bats]
Kyle: Ow! They're dropping guano in my hair! How do I get them off?!
Chum Chum: Kyle, you have to jump!
Kyle: [searching the controller] Which one is "jump"? I --
Fanboy: It's easy. Just do L-R-1-R-1, square-square-triangle, left trigger, up trigger, right trigger, down!
[Kyle does so, but the shoe kicks himself]
Kyle: It's -- ugh! Not -- oh! Working -- ay!
[F&C run over to Kyle and Fanboy produces a shield]
Fanboy: Get under my sheild, Kyle!
Chum Chum: I've unlocked Wacky Wand! [his wand fires] Oh!
[The wand's aura zaps every bat in the Fanlair, turning them into coins]
Fanboy: Ha-ha-ha! Ow! Hahaha! Hahaha! Woohoo! Hahaha! Ha!

Sigmund: Condazulatons, vizards! You have destroyed all ze bats.
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Yeah!
Fanboy: [sees a clone of himself] Hey, I got an extra life!
Kyle: [pushes them away] Yes, yes, beginner's luck. [At Sigmund] I'll take my ticket to Milkweed now!
Sigmund: You made short vork of my bats, but HOW will you fare against...the Gooper!

[The Fanlair transforms into an arctic tundra. Growling is heard, and something strange appears. The main 3 gasp]
Sigmund: Behold!
[The Gooper turns around, it is just a replica of Kyle's head. All it does is just laugh goofily and moan]
Sigmund: The Gooper is a clumsy dull-witted creature vith no magical abilities to speak of. Can you defeat zis bumbling oaf?
[The Gooper floats over to the main 3 and mumbles and grunts like a dummy]
Fanboy: Hey, Kyle! That thing kinda looks like you!
Kyle: (sarcastically) Really? I'm not seeing the resemblance.
Fanboy: Oh-ho, yeah-heh. Especially around the slack jaw and the drool...
[Kyle rolls his eyes]
Fanboy: Hey, Chum Chum! Don't you think that Gooper looks just like Kyle?
Chum Chum: [gasps, then looks back and forth with Fanboy] Oh, my gosh! You're right! I thought it looked like someone I knew!
Fanboy: It is, it's Kyle!
[The Gooper drools]
Kyle: Can we please just blast it?! [F&C zap him instead] OHHH! YOU HIT ME, YOU DUMBLEDORKS!
Chum Chum: Ooh, sorry! [At Fanboy] It really is uncanny. I can't tell which is which!
Fanboy: Let's just destroy them both.
[They tap the sides of their noses]
Sigmund: Don't vorry if you can't stop ze Gooper. He's so stupid, he always destroys himself! [giggles]
[The Gooper sneezes, causing it to explode. F&C laugh]
Sigmund: Bye-bye, Gooper!
Kyle: Grr! Very amusing, Sigmund. Now, if we're through bashing Kyle, can we please just get on with the game?

Sigmund: 194 Kyle-bashing levels later...

Sigmund: Now, you have reached the final level, und admittance to Milkveed is almost yours!
Fanboy and Chum Chum: THE FINAL LEVEL!!!
Kyle: Yes! Milkweed! BRING IT!
Sigmund: But first, you must face the most powerful wizard in the universe: [disguises his face to look like Kyle's] Kyle, the Conjurer!
Kyle: I'm -- the final level? I'm so flattered! I don't know what to --
Sigmund: PSYCH! [laughs] If you knew anything about vizarding, you would be holding your sides from ze splitting! No. You will face a vizard of actual power: SIGMORDIAN!

[Sigmund hums a horror sting as the Fanlair transforms into a high tower. Instantly, Sigmordian appears before the main 3]
Sigmordian: If you vant the key to Milkweed, you will have to go through ME! [evil laugher]
Chum Chum: This boss is so boss!
Fanboy: Ohhh, yeah!
[F&C slap hands. Sigmordian throws fireballs and the main 3 run]
Fanboy/Chum Chum/Kyle: Whoa!/Ahh!
Fanboy: Chum Chum, let's do this! Fire your ice-teroids!
[They produce ice-teroids and throw them at Sigmordian]
Kyle: Ice-teroids? What -- what -- where did you get ice-teroids?!
Chum Chum: We ate the flower. You didn't eat the flower?

Sigmordian: Hoo-ha! [punches tower]
Fanboy/Chum Chum/Kyle: WAAAAAHHHH!!!/AAAHHH!
[The main 3 land on a relay track on molten lava. Sigmordian laughs evily as he gains on them]
Fanboy/Chum Chum/Kyle: AHHHHH!!
[They run down the track, dodging Sigmordian's fireballs. Kyle tries to jump over a block but slams into it. F&C use him as a step and jump on the block and Fanboy helps Kyle up. Suddenly, Thorn hazards block their way down the end. Sigmordian begins to catch up as he laughs evily. F&C manage to dodge the hazards, but Kyle gets hit too many times and is close to game over]
Kyle: AAAHHHHH!!! THAT! IS! E...NOUGH! OF! THIS! [throws his shoe, which hits a golden brick revealing the key to Milkweed]
Fanboy: The key to Milkweed! Kyle, you did it!
Kyle: I did it? [takes the key] I did it! [At Sigmordian] In your gigantic face!
Sigmordian: Oh, no! You have captured the key to Milkveed! Now, I must suffer a most spectacular demise... [inhales deeply, groans and faints]
Chum Chum: It was an honor, meeting you on the field of battle.
Sigmordian: Uh-tut-tut-tut! Wait for it! [gasps, wheezes, faints]
[there is an explosion as the scene changes to the front gates of Milkweed]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Oh./Ooh.
Kyle: The hallowed gates of Milkweed.
Fanboy: Go ahead, Kyle. You've earned it.

[Kyle puts the key in the door lock. The doors open, flooding the room with light. Kyle walks into a spotlight]

Kyle: Oh, Milkweed. Your forgotton son has retur --
[something hits him on the head]
Kyle: What the elf is this?!
[Spotlight goes off. He is back in the Fanlair]
Fanboy: Ooh! It's a board game!
Chum Chum: "Milkweed Academy: The Home Game".
Kyle: You mean I've been busting my shoe just to win a stupid game for children?!
Fanboy: Not just for children! "Fun for ages 8 to 888".

Kyle: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! [throws board game on the ground]
[The Hex Box glows and Sigmund appears on the hologram display]
Sigmund: But Kyle, you didn't foolishly think that playing a video game would get you into ze most exclusive school in the universe, did you?
Kyle: Yes, that is what your ambiguous marketing led me to -- wait. How do you know my name?
Sigmund: Hmm, how indeed, Kyle? Could it be zat I am not the hologram, but rather...ze real Sigmund surrounded by a glowy spell? [to prove it, the Hex Box turns off and he teleports to Kyle] Oh, Kyle. It seems that you will never learn! [laughs, suddenly freezes, grunting] Wait! Why am I not able to move ze limbs?!
Kyle: [laughing] Actually, I've learned two things, Sigmund: how to pause the game, and how to properly use...this boot. [waggles eyebrows]
[Kyle gets ready to kick as Sigmund cringes]
Sigmund: Eee! Oh, no, no!

[Scene is replaced with "THE END". There is a whack as Sigmund pops up in the center of the screen, screaming]

Previous:
"The Winners"
Transcripts Next:
"Speed Eraser"

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