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Heroes vs. Villains/Transcript

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Return to "Heroes vs. Villains".

[Episode opens with the title card song, then Fanboy and Chum Chum reading a "Man-Arctica vs. Global Warmer" comic]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: [wimpering] Whoa! [chattering, laughing] Ooh/Oh, oh! [gasp, chatter] Awesome! Best issue ever!
[Zoom out to show them hanging upside down on the monkey bars. They fall off]
Chum Chum: Man, did you see how Man-Arctica was like, "pa-pow-pow, pa-po-pow-pow"?
Fanboy: Yeah, but then, Global Warmer was all like, "Pew-pew-pew-pew, pew-pew, pe-pe-pew"!
Chum Chum: And then, Man-Arctica did the old... [releases ice breath]
Fanboy: Yeah, but then, Global Warmer escaped! [leaves]
Chum Chum: But not before Man-Arctica thwarted his evil plan!
[POW!]
[Students begin to gather round]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Man, it would be so cool to be a super...
Fanboy: Villain!
Chum Chum: Hero!
Fanboy and Chum Chum: [horrified gasp]
[Horror music, we see an earth planet break in half]
Joey: [at the camera] They disagree!

Fanboy: [mockingly] Uh, I'm sorry. Did you just say you'd rather be a hero than a villain?
Chum Chum: Of course. Wouldn't anyone?
Fanboy: Uh, not anyone who's a fan of awesome equipment, heh! Which villains have the best of! Case in point...
Duke/Lupe/Cher/Chris Chuggy/Chum Chum: Ooh!
Fanboy: These Global Warmer Turbo Shoes. They put the "fast" in "fast-shion" Pow! Pow! Chicka-chicka. OH, YEAH.
Fankylechum/Duke/Lupe/Cher/Chris Chuggy/Joey: Wow.
Chum Chum: Well, superheroes don't need equipment. They have something called superpowers, like super speed. Pew-wep! I just ran around the world. Did it again. Did it again. Did it again. Did it again. Did it again.
Cher/Yo/Chris Chuggy: Whoa!
Joey: Ooh! That's fast!
Fanboy: Uh-uh! You just stood there and twitched slightly.
Chum Chum: Or did I run so fast you couldn't see?
Fanboy/Yo/Cher/Joey: Ohhhhh!
[More students come]
Fanboy: Yeah? Well, I have supervillain lightning punch, and I just hit you like, a thousand times.
Nancy/Duke/Lupe/Yo/Cher: Wow!
Chum Chum: No, you didn't, 'cause I have superhero reflexes, and I dodged them all...twice. So, superheroes are still better than supervillains.
Fanboy: [laughs] Oh, really? Well, why don't we ask the greatest supervillain the world has ever known-ah?!
[Omnious music plays as Kyle appears from smoke, laughing mainically while everyone backs away]
Kyle: At last...you have come to pay homage, to the true ma -- [gets grabbed] Huh?
Fanboy: [tosses Kyle away] 'Cuse me, Kyle, got a villain to talk to. [pulls the string of a Crabulous action figure] What say you, Crabulous?
Crabulous: Crabulous is bathtub safe.
Chum Chum: Mmm! Very intimidating.
Fanboy: He's deadly to dirt.
Yo/Duke/Lupe: Ooh!
Chum Chum: [deep superhero voice] Maybe it's about time we settled this once, and for all!
Fanboy: [menacingly] Let's DO...IT.
Da-na-na-na-na!

[The episode transforms into that of a superhero cartoon]

Narrator: Meanwhile, at the Jungle Gym of Justice...

Captain Obvious: Calling Super Chum! Come in, Super Chum!
[Super Chum appears on the Chum-puter, on the "moon" holding a flag]
Super Chum: I'm...on my way. [walks over to the Chum-puter] I'm here! What is it, Captain Obvious?
Captain Obvious: The Trouble Light's blinking!
Super Chum: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Captain Obvious: That means there's trouble!
["TROUBLE" is flashing on the Chum-puter]
Super Chum: It sure does. The Chum Phone is dead, and we're getting nothing from the Chum-puter. [gasp] And someone's taken our "Chumky" peanut butter. "Chumthing's" amiss. [hears alarm] Huh?

[Fannihilator appears on the Chum-puter]
Fannihilator: [laughing] Greetings, Super Chum. It is I, your archenemy, the Fannihilator.
Captain Obvious: It's the Fannihilator, your archenemy!
Super Chum: Correct as usual, Captain Obvious. [at Fannihilator] So, Fannihilator, perhaps you can shed some light on my missing peanut butter.
Fannihilator: [with mouth full] Mmm, I don't know what you're talking about.
Super Chum: Then, why are you talking like you have peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth?
Fannihilator: Ugh! Henchman, milk!
[Kyle jumps into the scene]
Kyle: I'm not your henchman.
[He gets ready with two milk squirters]
Kyle: Now, do you want whole milk or non fat?
[Fannihilator fires up his Plasmagammulator]
Kyle: Ah!
Fannihilator: TWO PERCENT!
[Kyle pours the milk and wimpers]
Fannihilator: Thanks! Hold this. [tosses his Plasmagammulator to Kyle]
Kyle: Ah! Uh! Ooh! Ah! [blasts himself] OHHHH!

Super Chum: Cut to the chase, Fannihilator!
Fannihilator: [gulping] Ah. I've devised a diabolical dilemma that will prove once and for all that villains are smarter, and better, and handsomer than heroes. [laughs]
[Fannihilator presses a remote to show a bus full of children on a thin rock block over lava]
Super Chum: What do you make of this, Captain Obvious?
Captain Obvious: That bus is hanging over lava!
Super Chum: And?
Captain Obvious: Lava's hot!
Super Chum: Great Scott! You're right, I've got to save those kids!
[Scene on Chum-puter switches back to Fannihilator]
Fannihilator: Indeed, Super Chum. But if you do, you won't have time to save...
[Fannihilator presses a remote to show Yois dangling from a rope over a mob of angry bears]
Fannihilator: The beautiful girl reporter Yois Yane, whom you secretly like!
[record scratch]
Yois: Wait, did you say he likes me?
Super Chum: Whoa! Uh, I don't like her, like her, I just, like, like her.
[crowd oohs]
Fannihilator: Ooh! You like Yois!
Super Chum: Do not.
Fannihilator: Do too!
Super Chum: Do not.
Fannihilator: Do too, no takebacks!
Super Chum: No! The dreaded no takebacks.
Fannihilator: So, who will you save, Super Chum? The innocent children, or your little lover girl? [laughs]
[The Chum-puter turns off]
Captain Obvious: Looks like the villain's got you beat.
Super Chum: Yes, Captain Obvious. Or...does he? CHUP-CHUP AND AWAY!

[Super Chum leaves the Jungle Gym of Justice and flies to the desert. The bus falls off the rock and is about to hit the lava, but Super Chum catches it]
Fannihilator: So, you chose the children. Well, I guess my bears will be enjoying your...honey?
[Yois is still on the rope panting. The rope breaks and she falls into the bears]
Fannihilator: [mainical laughter] Score one for the villains! Ah!
Super Chum: Wipe off your pernicious points, Fannihilator. You forget that I can control animals, with my mind. [activates animal mind control power]
Fannihilator: Whoa!
[The bears are affected. They perform a funny dance with Yois]
Yois: Thank you, Super Chum! I owe you a romantic dinner at my favorite restaurant!
[crowd oohs]
Super Chum: [at the camera] Hey, hey, hey. I did it...for justice.
Yois: Ohhhh!

[Super Chum goes over to Fannihilator and puts down the bus]
Fannihilator: I suppose you think you've defeated me, but what you don't know is...that bus is full of my clones! [double clap]
Clones: [chuckling]
[They cling to Super Chum]
Super Chum: That's no problem! I can defeat them all with Super Sweat! [sweats]
Clones: [screaming]
Fannihilator: Yah, but I have a little surprise for you. Guess what my four handsomest clones have formed?
[Four clones -- all named Justin, appear on the bus roof]
Super Chum: Not --
Fannihilator: Yes, your greatest weakness: a boy band!

Justin 1: 'Sup? I'm Justin.
Justin 2: I'm Justin, too.
Justin 3: I'm also Justin.
All: We're Just Justins.
(Song: Just Justins)
We're Just Justins
Justin ti-ime
To beat the hero
Instowable cri-ime
[Rest of song has dialogue under]
Being Justins
What we do-ooo
We'll put those prisoners
In bed just for yo-ou
[Repeats until Super Chum stops them]
Super Chum: OH! Sugary...top 40 pop...don't want to dance, but...rhythm...is...moving...me!
Fannihilator: [at the camera] And that is why villains are better than heroes, because heroes always have a weakness. HENCHMAN!!!
[Kyle stomps into the scene]
Kyle: I am NOT your henchman! What do you want?
Fannihilator: One of my ultra-mega death rays! Ugh! It's time to finish this do-gooder, for do-good. [laughs mainically]
Kyle: Of, course. [presents two death rays] Now, will it be the slow death ray, or the quick and painful?
Fannihilator: Mmm...surprise me. I don't want to know till I fire it.
Narrator: Could this be the end of Super Chum, or will he think of a way out? [pause] Ahem. I said, "Will he think of a way out?"
Super Chum: I just thought of a way out! If I could...just...summon...one punch.
[Super Chum punches the bus, sending it far away]
Fannihilator: DAH! MY JUSTINS!
Super Chum: You should've known, Fannihilator. Boy bands are always a one-hit wonder. [the bus explodes behind him] I did it...for justice.

Fannihilator: That tears it! There's only one way to settle this...
Fannihilator and Super Chum: Super Battle!
Super Chum: I summon the Super Chums! Sonic Boom!
[Sonic Boom jumps into the scene]
Sonic Boom: WAAAAA! [echo]
Super Chum: School Spirit!
[smoke steams, and School Spirit appears]
School Spirit: Ready? Okay! Let's...fight! Hey!
Super Chum: And Captain Obvious!
Captain Obvious: [riding a tricycle] I'm also on the team!
Fannihilator: Well, I summon my League of Destruction-ah!
[The ground rumbles and flies buzz. Ant Lupe appears]
Ant Lupe: Ant Lupe! I will ruin your picnic.
[Huge Nerd comes by]
Huge Nerd: Huge Nerd! [grows] GROW EXPONENTIAL-AL-ALY! I CALCULATE THAT I WILL CRUSH YOU ALL! [pretends to crush the Super Chums] Crushy, crushy, crushy, crushy.
Fannihilator: [at Kyle] And Henchman, with Stick!
[Kyle gives a grumpy frown]
Kyle: It's a wand! Oh, why do I bother?
Super Chum: Let this be our final battle! [He and his team jump]
Fannihilator: You are! [He and his team jump]
[The teams charge against each other. Camera switches back and fourth between them twice, zooming in on the second switch. We see both teams fly into the picture. They are about to plow into each other when...]

[We hear the sound of a bell ring. Episode switches back to the actual show's setting on the school playground. The kids were imagining everything]
Hank: Recess is over! Everyone, back to class.
[Everyone but Fanboy and Chum Chum walk into the school]
Chum Chum: You know, come to think of it, heroes and villains are both pretty cool.
Fanboy: You said it, old Chum. I know there's one thing we can agree on. It sure would be great to have superpowers.
Chum Chum: Yep, I bet it would.
[They walk into the school. Just as the door closes, the boy band from earlier comes back]
(Song: Just Justins (reprise))
We're Just Justins
Justin Ti-ime
Justin with lemon
And Justin with li-ime
[Chum Chum opens the door and zaps the band with his heat vision, sending them away. The Justins scream]
Chum Chum: For justice.

Previous:
"Speed Eraser"
Transcripts Next:
"Face-Eating Aliens From Planet X"

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