[Scene irises in to reveal Fanboy, dressed as a pirate. He is wearing a captain's hat with a white feather on the left side, a fake black beard, an eye patch, and a peg on his left leg (the real leg is tied to his thigh). On his left shoulder is a seagull acting as a parrot. Fanboy is at a steering wheel on the Fanlair balcony]
Fanboy: [To the seagull, in pirate voice] Arrr! You feel that, Polly? The wind be up. We have our heading.
[Zoom out to show the entire Fanlair roof is transformed into a pirate ship. In the crow's nest sits Chum Chum, also dressed as a pirate, looking through his spyglass. Chum Chum is wearing a newspaper hat, a gold earring, and a belt with a silver buckle]
Fanboy: [Off camera] First Mate Chumbucket! Look alive! It’s time to set sail!
Chum Chum: Aye aye, Captain Fanbeard!
Fanboy: Hoist the main sheet!
[Chum Chum pulls down a rope, raising a bed sheet]
Fanboy: Now raise the fitted sheet!
[Chum Chum pulls another rope, raising a bed]
Fanboy: First Mate Chumbucket, report! How are the bilges?
Chum Chum: Scuppered!
Chum Chum: Battened!
Fanboy: The decks?
Chum Chum: Swabbed, main and poop!
Fanboy: And...hmm, I'm out. I got nothing.
Chum Chum: I guess we’ve done all the piratey things there is.
Chum Chum: [checks a list] No, we’ve said "arrr."
Fanboy: Then you know what that means...
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Time to find buried treasure!
[They run down through the roof slot into the Fanlair]
Fanboy: Now, what can we use for a treasure chest? [opens a trap door and pulls out a treasure chest with gold doubloons] I know. This treasure chest! [puts the chest down] Perfect. We'll fill this treasure chest with our most valuable stuff, then we'll go bury it and dig it up later. [goes outside carrying the chest] We'll just dump out these dusty old coins. [dumps the doubloons out]
Chum Chum: They don't fit in the gum machine anyway.
Fanboy: They sure don't. Now we can put in some real treasure, like this! [holds up a Man-Arctica action figure]
Chum Chum: Our very first action figure! [takes it] A limited edition Man-Arctica with Kung Fu tongue grip! [Presses the button on its chest. It sticks out its tongue and attaches to his right eye. He pulls it away, only to have his eye ripped up] How did they not make more of these? [As he says this, he laughs as he puts the ripped up eye piece back in place. He then puts it in the chest]
Fanboy: [holds up a swiss army knife] The super deluxe multi-purpose knife that Grandpa Granboy gave me! [puts it in the chest]
Chum Chum: [holds up a maggot farm] Our one-of-a-kind maggot farm, castin hand-crafted pewter! [puts it in the chest]
[The next shows them zipping in and out putting "treasure" into the chest]
Fanboy: Ice Monster Crunch decoder ring!
Chum Chum: Aardvarks in action trading cards!
Fanboy: Glow-in-the-Dark sleep masks!
Chum Chum: Candy!
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Candy money!
[They stand before the full chest and swoon over it]
Fanboy: It’s...beautiful. [wipes a tear from his eye]
[They close the chest and sit on it]
Fanboy: Now we'll bury it in a super secret spot that only you and I will know!
Chum Chum: Uh...I’ll know the secret spot?
Chum Chum: [freaking out] I don't know, Fanboy! What if I’m captured by the enemy? I’ll never hold up to questioning! I’ll open up like a badly wrapped sandwich! I’m weak!
Fanboy: You’re right. You arrr. [pause] I’ve got it! We’ll hide it wearing these. [as he says this, he holds up two black blindfolds. His perspective, Chum Chum grabs the first and puts it on] Now even we won't know where it's buried! Genius, right?
[Fanboy puts on his blindfold. The screen goes to black. We hear the door slam]
Chum Chum: Polo!
Fanboy: Ok, just keep behind me, buddy.
[a car horn honks]
Fanboy: Okay, Chum Chum, this seems like a good spot.
[Footsteps, there is a thunk, a tire blows out. Lunch Lady Cram grabs the blindfold to speak]
Lunch Lady Cram: Hey, my car tire! [lets go of the blindfold]
Chum Chum: Oops! Sorry Sir.
[More footsteps, there is a splash. Oz grabs the blindfold, he is on the toilet]
Oz: Do you mind?! This bathroom is taken! Seriously. [lets go of the blindfold]
Chum Chum: Oopsy. Sorry, Oz.
[More footsteps. A cat screeches]
Fanboy: Perfect. Cat marks the spot. Now we dig...
[Digging is heard]
Fanboy's alarm (narrating): Five ARRRS later.
[Close-up on Fanboy's map]
Fanboy: Okay, to find our treasure, we need to go 35 paces due north. Hmm, north. [tips head foreward and feels some moss on his head] Moss always grows facing north! Thataway, me hearty! Arrr! [slams into a railroad crossing sign and checks the map] Arrr Arrr! What’s this cursed sign doing here? It be not on the map.
Chum Chum: Weird. Let’s try another direction.
[In an unknown location...]
Fanboy: ...38, 39, 40. Chum Chum: Okay, according to the map, we should be standing on a tiny spit of land in the Sea of Cortez.
[zoom out to show them in a bear cage]
Fanboy: This island's more landlocked than I expected. Let’s ask one of the locals for directions. [to the bear] Buenos días, señor. Donde esta - AAH!
[They look up at the bear and it roars. The boys scream]
[At another unknown location...]
Fanboy: 33, 34, 35...jackpot!
Chum Chum: [sniff] Smells like a chamber pot.
[Zoom out to reveal they're back in Oz's bathroom]
Oz: Do you guys mind? I have to finish before mother takes a shower.
Chum Chum: Fanboy, I think there's something wrong with this map.
Fanboy: Lemme see. [Lifts his eye patch and studies the map] Oh, Chum Chum! This is the decoy map! The one we made to lead crooks away from our awesome treasure!
Chum Chum: Ohhhh. Then where did we put our real map?
[Flashback to the boys burying the treasure. Chum Chum comes in with the real map]
Chum Chum: How about this treasure map?
Fanboy: Toss it in.
[Chum Chum throws the map into the chest and closes it]
[End of flashback]
Chum Chum: Now we don’t have a map. And there’s no way to find our treasure ever again!
[Fanboy stomps in front of Chum Chum]
Fanboy: Oh, there be a way, Chumbucket. We’re gonna dig up this whole blasted town! Arrr!
Oz: Ahem. A little privacy please?
Fanboy: Oop, sorry. C’mon, Chumbucket.
Oz: Ooh, low on TP. Do you still need that map?
[They throw the decoy map in Oz's face]
[The graveyard, that night. F&C are leaning against the tree that looks like a foot]
Fanboy: I thought that funeral would never end.
Chum Chum: Yeah. How many friends can a goldfish have?
Fanboy: Now let’s find that treasure.
[He starts digging. Suddenly, Yo pops out!]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Yo: Did I hear someone mention treasure?
Fanboy: I'm sorry, Yo, but no, I don't recall a conversation of that nature. Do you, Chum Chum?
Chum Chum: [breaking down] We buried all our best stuff, and now we can’t find it. So we have to dig everywhere in town for it!
Fanboy: Chum Chum!
Chum Chum: I told you I’d never hold up to questioning! I'm weak!
Yo: Ooh! Buried treasure! I’ll help you dig...for a share of the loot!
Fanboy: Yo ho ho NO, Yo! It belongs to us!
Yo: Oh. Okay. I understand. I guess I’ll just have to... [with megaphone] TELL EVERYONE I SEE ABOUT YOUR SECRET --
Fanboy: [puts his hand over Yo's mouth] Fine. We’ll divide the treasure three ways.
[Kyle appears, he is levitating above them]
Kyle: Oooh. Did you say... [rolling r's] "treasure"?
Chum Chum: No, we said, "treas-ure".
Kyle: [descends] Oooh, even better. I want in.
Fanboy: Okay. Four ways. But that is it!
[The next day at the Fanlair ship. It is crowded with kids, and they're all dressed like pirates]
Fanboy: Okay, seventeen ways, but THAT IS IT! Just me, Chum Bucket...
[Pan across the gang as Fanboy addresses them]
Fanboy: Scurvy Duke, One-Eyed Cheech, Captain Chuggy LaFoote...
Chris Chuggy: [groans with sword in mouth]
Mitzi: [bleats in pirate tone]
Kyle: [tapping his bandana] It's Scarlet.
Fanboy: Peppy the Hook...
Cher: [waves pom poms] Arrg!
Fanboy: Briney Pugwash...
Scrivener Elf: Hey, arg!
Fanboy: Nancy the Pancy...
Nancy: [winks and gives shooting motion] Arr!
Fanboy: The Dancing Dutchman...
Michael: [does a little dance] Hoo!
Fanboy: Lady Revenge...
Yo: Yo, ho, ho!
Precious: [oinks in pirate tone]
Fanboy: Bilgerat Bernice...
Francine: Whatever arg.
Fanboy: [Stops at Dollarnator] And...
Dollarnator: Artificially Intelligent Robotic Life Form from the Future...beard.
Fanboy: [Climbs up onto the ship's post to address everyone] All righty, me hearties, if ye be ready for treasure, say "aye"!
Fanboy: Close enough. Treasure, ho!
[Impossibly, the roof-ship breaks off and goes down to the road. Everyone paddles with their oars]
Everyone: Yo ho! Yo ho! Yo ho! Yo ho! [continues until after the town is dug up]
[In the street, we see shovels digging up a trench in the street. The "Yo ho"-ing slowly begins to grow more tired]
Fanboy: Lean into it, buckos! That treasure ain’t gonna dig itself up! Be the shovel, me hearties! Arr!
[A bus falls into the trench. Chum Chum looks at the Frosty Mart through his spyglass. Inside...]
[The door opens and the ship goes by]
Fanboy: C’mon and dig, ya lily-livered scalliwags!
[The mart tilts into the trench and everything slides with it, even Lenny, who screams]
[At the school...]
Hank: ...And that’s when Isaac Newton discovered figs. [the ship goes by] Any ques...WHOA! [falls into the trench] Stupid gravity.
[The entire city is dug up, and cars and buildings are falling into it]
[The roof-ship is now back where it was. The crew is exhausted and hot as F&C look disheartened]
Fanboy: Huh. I don’t understand it. We dug up the whole town, but still no treasure. What arr we gonna do?
Chum Chum: I dunno, but we better do it soon. Me thinks the crew be getting restless.
[His perspective, the crew is disgruntled and impatient. They grumble and stare at them evilly. Kyle cracks his knuckles while Fankylechum sharpens his shovel on a grinding wheel]
Fanboy: Blow me down! There be mutiny in their eyes! We be done for!
Chum Chum: Uh...quick! Tell them about the treasure again!
Fanboy: [jumps onto the post] Mateys, I know we be stuck in the doldrums, but don’t forget what we’re fighting for: treasure!
[the gang starts to get chipper again]
Francine: Thar better be gold in there. Or I’ll be totally, like, "arrg".
Fanboy: Gold?! Why there be enough gold to choke a kraken!
Yo: Will there be jewels? Tiny, adorable, precious jewels?!
Fanboy: Jewels as tiny and precious as Chuggy’s brain. [as he says this, he shows Chuggy's tiny brain, everyone swoons. Chuggy swallows his brain back]
Lupe: Ith there-- [spits out beard hair from her mouth] pirate beard wax?
Fanboy: Enough to smooth a thousand chins.
Dollarnator/Scrivener Elf/Kyle/Duke/Fankylechum: Ooooh!
Kyle: And will there be decorative soaps, with fancy perfumes?!
[The gang stares confused. Kyle notices them and quickly rephrases himself]
Kyle: Excuse me for taking pride in my personal hygiene. [walks out of the scene]
Fanboy: It be the most amazing treasure of all time, housed in a wooden chest with a silver hasp and a satin polyurethane finish!
Lupe: Like this one?
[Pan over to F&C's treasure chest. On it lays Yo's cat sleeping. The cat has an "X" painted on its belly]
Fanboy: Oh, well, yeah.
Chum Chum: [sees the chest and scares the cat away] Captain Fanbeard! The treasure!
Fanboy: Well, blown me down! So it tis! It’s been here the whole time! Then that must mean...
Fanboy and Chum Chum: We buried the decoy treasure.
Fanboy: Funny story, guys. You’re gonna like this.
[They open the chest]
Cheech/Yo/Lupe/Kyle/Nancy: Oooooh. [pause] EWWWW!
[Close-up of the treasure. Garbage is everywhere along with it]
Fanboy: Our treasure! Just as we left it.
Chum Chum: It be even more beautiful than I remembered!
Kyle: Beautiful? It’s...horrid! Everything’s broken and covered with sticky gum!
Dollarnator: [examines the Man-Arctica action figure] This collectible action figure has been chewed by a human mouth. Analysis: [beep] Worthless.
Chum Chum: [grabs the figure back] Oooh. Yummy. The feet are the best! You can’t stop with just one. [chews the figure]
Yo: [pulls out a necklace with a candy on it] What? A candy necklace with only one candy left?
Fanboy: Is there still one left? We thought it was just wet string.
[They mimic the "spaghetti kiss" as they gobble the candy up]
Chris Chuggy: [finds a button and sniffs it] Wh-wh-wha?
Chum Chum: My lucky button! Swallowed twice, but always comes out good as new! Hey, where’s our maggot farm?
Fanboy: I dunno. But check out these cool new flies!
[the maggots fly out of the chest. The crew turns toward them evily]
Lupe: We dig all day... [closes chest] for a box of garbage?!
Fanboy: Well, a share of the garbage. Shall we divvy up the booty?
[The crew starts to approach them]
Crew/Yo: Get them! But Chum Chum’s mine!
Fanboy: Hold on. This is your captain speaking. Arrgh. Aah!
[Fade to black]
[Fade back up to see F&C tied up]
Chum Chum: Well, I guess we found the one pirate thing we’ve never done before.
[Zoom out to show that they have to walk the plank. The angry crew have their swords pointing at them]
Chum Chum: Walking the plank!
Fanboy: Right ye arrr, Chumbucket. Now, I’m thinking, aim for that sewage geyser. It should break our fall.
[Screaming, they jump off the plank. A ghyser gushes as Yo and Lupe walk on the plank to look down at them]
Fanboy: [off-camera] Ooh, that is some raw sewage.
[Iris out, centered on the ghyser]
"Sigmund the Sorcerer"
"Fan vs. Wild"