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Return to "Fan-bidextrous".

[Scene opens up showing a close-up of an Ambidexter Comic]
Fanboy: [gasp] Ooh! Ambidexter, the two-fisted superhero, intwo-armed and dangerous! His left arm can beat up a criminal while his right arm draws him a get-well card! [Puts the comic down] Oh, man! I wish I has two arms like that guy, think of all the amazing things I could do.
Chum Chum: Uh, Fanboy? You already have two arms.
Fanboy: Tcha, I wish!
Chum Chum: Uh, right there, buddy.
Fanboy: [looks at his left arm, which madly waves like a snake] Ah! snake! snake!
Chum Chum: It's okay. it's okay, Fanboy! I'd like you to meet your left arm.
Fanboy: [slowly brings his left arm forward and shakes it] Oh, nice to meet you, left arm. Firm handshake. I like this guy.
Chum Chum: I've been trying to get you two together for a while.
Fanboy: [waving his arms] Woah. I have two arms. I have two arms! Oh, this is gonna open up a whole new world of possibility!

[At the Frosty Freezy Freeze machine...]
Fanboy: Oh, I still can't believe I'm gonna pour a beverage with my left hand!
Chum Chum: This is big time.
Fanboy: Okay, lefty, let's see if you got what it takes to be a part of Team Fanboy.
Chum Chum: Okay, focus!
Fanboy: Yeah.
Chum Chum: You got this one, you got it!
Fanboy: [reaches his left hand toward the machine] Oh, steady. Steady. Oh, oh, oh, gosh. [grabs handle] Okay! [pulls handle releasing the freeze] He's doing it, he's doing it! Oh, it feels like a stranger, this is so weird!

[Fanboy shows the cup to Lenny]
Fanboy: What do you think, Lenny? Am I blowing your mind?
Lenny: You're blowing my day. [opens the register, which causes Fanboy's arm to act like a horse]
Fanboy: What's happening?
Chum Chum: The register spooked it!
Lenny: What's wrong with you?
[Fanboy's arm knocks Lenny's hat off his head]
Fanboy: It's not me. it's my arm! Whoa! [crashes into something]
Lenny: Hey, you bash it, you bought it.
Chum Chum: [riding Fanboy's arm] Yee-haw! Ride 'em, ride 'em, ride 'em! Whoa! [flies off]
Fanboy: Woah! [runs out the door] Chum chum! Don't forget to pick up toilet paper!

[At the Fanlair, it is early next morning. Both alarm clocks go off. Fanboy smacks them both, Chum Chum isn't interested]
Fanboy: I'm two-handed!
[Montage!]
Fanboy: [in kitchen] I can eat twice the cereal in half the time! [eats cereal]
[at bathroom sink] [muffle speaking, brushes teeth]
[in shower] I can shampoo and condition!
[voiceover, outside bathroom] I can go number one and number two in one convenient visit.
[Flushes toilet and comes out. End of montage]
Fanboy: With these two hands, I! Am! Awesoooome! [does a little trick with his arms while making vrooming sounds]

[At school, he is still doing it as the class stares]
Hank: Pop quiz, hot shots! You got ten minutes!
Fanboy: [recieves quiz] Uh, Mr. Mufflin, I have a question. [raises one hand, then the other] Uh, and a follow-up question.
Hank: Yes?
Fanboy: Yes, should we put our names on top?
Hank: Yes.
Fanboy: And do we get points for putting our name on top?
Hank: [pause] Nine minutes! [leaves]

Fanboy: Chum Chum, that'll take forever the way you're doing it. Allow me. [writes Chum Chum's name on his paper with both hands]
Chum Chum: [giggles] Your left hand is a copy cat.
Fanboy: No, no. Chum Chum, I'm just a guy with two arms. And a leg. [cracks knuckles] All right, let's do this thing! [hums frantically while writing] Cross the "I"...dot the "T"s...and...done! Ho-ho! Huh? [looks around to see everyone still working on their quizzes] I finished before everyone else! Ho, I've never done that before! Chum Chum, I finished before --
Chum Chum: Shh! I'm trying to think!
Fanboy: Oh, right. sorry. I guess I'm just here with my thoughts.
[pause, trills lips, pats on desk]
fanboy: Bah-bah-bah-bah <
/> Bah-bah-bah
Buh-buh buh-buh-buh-buh
Buh-buh-buh-buh-oh-ah. [pause] Hey, Chum--oh, okay. [pause] [flaps lips]
Chum Chum: SHHHHH!
Fanboy: Okay, okay. Tch, one-armers. [pause] [sighs while flapping his arms, then leans forward] [pause] Psst, Chum Chum. Chum Chum. Chum Chum. Chum Chum. Chum Chum, Chum Chum, Chum Chum. [pause] Chum Chum, Chum Chum, Chum Chum, Chum Chum!
Chum Chum: This better be important!
Fanboy: Oh, oh, yeah, it is!
Chum Chum: What?
Fanboy: Pull my finger.
Chum Chum: Fanboy, I'm trying to finish my test!
Fanboy: [mocking] "I'm trying to finish my test!" [pause, raises arms, high voice] Hey, Righty, wanna play a game? [low voice] Duh, okay. [Righty bonks Lefty, and Lefty bonks Fanboy's head] Woah, a wise guy, eh? [Righty starts to approach him, but Lefty stops him. Lefty does the same, Righty stops him. Righty does the same again, and Lefty stops him]
Class: [laughing]
Lupe: He's doing the work of three eh-stooges.
Fanboy: Hey, did you see that, Chum Chum? Hey, now that I've got two arms, I'm twice as funny! Watch your new... [licks both fingers] Class. Clown. [cleans Fankylechum's ears]
Fankylechum: The double wet willy. I thought that was purely theoretical.
Class: [laughing]
Fanboy: Say "Fanboy"! [takes picture]

Hank: ...Then you carry the four and divide by zero.
Fanboy: Oh, Mr. Mufflin!
Hank: What the - ? [bonk, grunt]
Fanboy: Over here.
Hank: [bonk, grunt]
Fanboy: No, over here.
Hank: [bonk, grunt]
Fanboy: Over there.
Hank: [bonk, grunt]
Fanboy: I meant over here.
Hank: [bonk, grunt]
Fanboy: Over here.
Hank: [bonk, grunt]
Fanboy: Telegram for Mr. Mufflin.
Hank: [bonk, grunt]
Fanboy: Over here.
Hank: [bonk, grunt] [laughs] A frying pan! [laughs] I didn't seen that one coming. [laughs] Principal's office. [laughs] Detention. [laughs] Don't--don't come back. [keeps laughing]
Fanboy: [slaps the laughing kids' hands] All right, I'm out. You guys have been great. Check you later. stay in school.

[In the cafeteria, everyone sits down to see Fanboy perform onstage. The lights go out]
Fanboy: Ahem. [Armpit farts Beethoven's 5th Symphony]
Kyle: Beethoven's Symphony for an armpit...in F minor. [wipes a tear from his eye] My favorite.
[Fanboy continues armpit farting the song. He then finishes]
Class: [applause]
Hank: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone, I have an announcement to make! [to Fanboy] Uh, well, if it's okay with you?
Fanboy: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hank: Good. The awards committee has voted to honor me with my handprints in the school sidewalk of fame.
Chum Chum: Wow, it's a good thing you started that committee.
Hank: And that I'm its only member. The vote was unanimous. Any-hoo, the ceremony's tomorrow. See you there. [the class leaves]

Fanboy: [sneakily] Yes, Mr. Mufflin, I'll be there, to give you a big hand. [different voice] Or perhaps two. [cackles]
Chum Chum: [gasp] You're not thinking about pranking Mr. Mufflin's ceremony.
Fanboy: Chum Chum. [levitates] what is the sound of one hand clapping?
Chum Chum: Uh, I don't know.
Fanboy: Then I shall tell you. It's nothing! Silence! Because it takes two hands to make a big noise in this world, two hands! Preferably with joy buzzers in them. [shows the audience the joy buzzers in his hands] Now I have to think. There's got to be some amazing two-handed stunt I haven't tried. Think, fanboy, think. I've got it! [puts his hands on his head, shocking him] Oh, I smell fried chicken.

[Montage of Fanboy working hard as a narrator explains his work]
Narrator: Fanboy worked on his prank with singular purpose and doubular hands, devising theories and then disproving them.
Fanboy: [over] Yes, yes, yes! No, no, no, no, no!
Narrator: He took inspiration from nature, and put it into action. Working, working, never sleeping. Sleeping, working while sleeping, sleeping while working, sleep-working, work-sleeping, slorking.
[End of montage]

[The next day at school...]
Hank: I would like to thank the awards committee for bestowing on me this tremendous honor. Secondly, as the awards committee, I'd like to say to me...well-earned! [laughter]
Class: [applause]
Lupe: [to Chum Chum] Where is Fanboy? We are all waiting for him to bring the steaming hot ha-ha.
Duke: Yeah, what's he gonna do the the Mufflin, man? Do you know?!? The Mufflin, man!
Chum Chum: All I know is, he said it's the side-splittingest, knee-slappingest, butt-gustingest, two-armed stunt ever!
Kyle: Don't you mean "gut-bustingest"?
Chum Chum: Maybe, but I'm not taking any chances. [puts on a fire protection helmet, and hears a weird fart noise in the distance] Hey! What's that sound?
Kyle: It sounds as if the wind is breaking.
Cher: Hey! Look up in the sky!

[In the sky from the class's POV]
Duke: [voiceover] It's a bird!
Lupe: [voiceover] It's a plane!
Fankylechum: [voiceover] It is Fanboy! In some sort of bird plane! That mad genus, what is he up to?
[Fanboy targets the location where the statue will be]
Hank: When I first created this award for myself...
Fanboy: Target acquired! Arming the payload! [opens a can of itching powder] Itching powder, armed. [spies a flock of seagulls uncontrollably charging for him] Huh? Mayday, mayday! We got a first strike! [spits out feathers, notices his itching powder is leaking] Oh, boy, not good.
Hank: Well, I guess dreams do... [wipes a tear from his eye] come true.
Fanboy: [scratching the itches on himself] Don't think about how bad it itches, Fanboy! Think baseball, yes, baseball is fun. Uhh, uh, cars. Oh, cars, I like cars, cars are fun, cars, cars, cars. Uh, hot itching cars. No, no. I's so hard I just really gotta start itching! [lets go of his flying gear and itches himself. A final seagull takes the umbrella on his head] Uh...oh. [falls onto Hank, who is leaning over the statue, splattering concrete everywhere]
Class: [laughing]
Chum Chum: Oh, man! Fanboy, that's your best gag yet!
[bell rings, the class starts to leave]
Duke: That was great, man! Eh?
Chris Chuggy: Wah, wah.
[they leave]

Fanboy: Yep, yep, thanks, guys. I'd do it all for you.
Hank: [Offscreen, through teeth] My special day is ruined!
Fanboy: Hey, look on the bright side, Mr. Mufflin. How many other teachers have their very own statue?
[We see that Hank is a statue with Fanboy stuck to him]
Hank: [Through teeth] Well, it's hardly my own with you attached!
Fanboy: Hey! You think we'll attract pigeons?
[a pigeon poops on Hank]
Hank: [Through teeth] Yep.

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"Saving Private Chum Chum"

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