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Return to "Excuse Me".

[Fade up on the school playground. Lupe, Cheech, Michael, Nancy and Duke run by]
Kyle: [gasping for breath]
[Cher pushes Kyle to the ground]
Cher Leader: Woo-hoo! You're it!
[Quick pan to Kyle on the ground]
Kyle: Oh...
Lupe/Cheech/Michael/Nancy/Duke: [laughing, run off]
Kyle: Scrivener Elf! Take a letter.
[Pan quickly to Scrivener Elf on a bench, he groans and takes out two different notes in time with the next line]
Scrivener Elf: Personal business or complaint form?
Kyle: What do you think?
Scrivener Elf: [sigh] Complaint.
Kyle: To the school board. Dear sirs, I was recently tagged "it" by my school chums. I strongly reject this label and the pointing and the mockery that came with it!
Fanboy: [bounces by] Hi, Kyle!
Chum Chum: [also bounces by] Hi, Kyle's Elf!
Kyle: What are you two ninnies doing?
Fanboy: Next week is Spring Break!
[Widen to reveal the two bouncing around Kyle with springs attached to their feet]
Chum Chum: So, we're breaking all our springs.
Kyle: Hmm, why don't you bounce yourselves into a room with a ceiling fan? [Close-up] My Elf and I have notes to write.
Chum Chum: Writing before school?!?
Fanboy: That sounds like work!
Chum Chum: [Taps on Kyle's head] You need a break.
Fanboy: [Taps on Kyle's head] A Spring Break.
Chum Chum: [Taps on Kyle's head] A Pre-Spring Break.
Fanboy and Chum Chum: SPRING BREAK!!!
Kyle: Would you two -- [F&C bounce him high into the air] whoa! Scrivener Elf!! Don't forget to speeeeell cheeeeeeeck!
Scrivener Elf: Yeah, on it. [Reads the newspaper]

[In space...]
Fanboy: See, Kyle, I told you this was fun.
[They drop down out of the sky] Chum Chum: Yeah, look at that smile.
[Cut to Kyle's face flapping in the wind] Kyle: IT'S THE G-FORCE! AARGH!!! [the bell rings in the distance] The altitude is making my ears ring!
Fanboy: No, silly, that's the school late bell.
[Pause]
Fanboy/Chum Chum/Kyle: [realizing] THE LATE BELL!!? [overhead shot of them falling to earth] WE'RE GONNA BE LATE!!!

[Back at school...]
Kyle: Now look, class is half-over!
Chum Chum: I prefer to think of it as "half-started".
Kyle: Oh, this is bad. We're hopelessly tardy. We have no excuse. What are you doing?
Fanboy: I'm writing us a note. Does "tardy" have two G's or just the one?
Kyle: You idiot. Mr. Mufflin knows our penmanship, and you're writing on your hand.
Fanboy: Well, at least I'm trying. [Takes his glove off and throws it out of the scene] Where else are we gonna get a note?
[They stop for a moment and realize something. With sneaky looks on their faces, they turn to Scrivener Elf]
Scrivener Elf: Ah, cursive or print?

[In the classroom...]
Hank: So, that's the story of my friend, Andy.
[The class stares blankly; cut to Hank as he walks away. Pan to the door; three pairs of eyes peek through the door's window. At warp speed, the three boys come in]
Fanboy: Maybe he won't notice.
[Suddenly, a net from nowhere comes up from the floor and kidnaps them! Hank and a goat approach]
Hank: You'd better have a note to get out of my Late Net!
Fanboy/Chum Chum/Kyle: [Simultaneously] Give him the note! Uh... Urgh!
Kyle: Uh, as chance should have it, we do. [Holds up a pink note]
Hank: Just put it on the trident. [Recieves the note] An excuse note, huh? Better be a pretty good one. [reads the note] "Please excuse the boys for being late." [cut to the hesitated boys, he continues offscreen] "They were knitting tea cozies for elderly ninjas." [back on him] Ninjas, huh? I thought I'd heard everything! But that...
[Cut to the boys and zoom in on them look on scared. Suddenly...]
Hank: ...Is the sweetest thing I ever heard! Now, those lucky ninjas can enjoy warm tea after a night of blowing poison darts into their enemies' necks. [The boys confused as he says this.] Tardiness excused! [blows nose]
[The Late Net releases them.]

Fanboy: Oh, that was so easy!
Chum Chum: And painless, other than the rope burns and trident pokes. [Drinks water, and water squirts out of him]
Kyle: Ooh, I feel so naughty and saucy! We just got away with mischief!
[Fanboy zips up to Kyle and they hold both of each others hands.]
Fanboy: Don't you know what this means? If a note got us out of being late for school, who knows what else your elf could get us out of?
[After a few more seconds, then look down at their hands. Instantly, they let go embarrassingly and let out a sound of confusion.]
Hank: Okay, class, I will now collect your homework.
Fanboy/Kyle: HUH?
[The background splits to three collums, with Kyle on the left, Chum Chum in the center, and Fanboy on the right.] Fanboy/Chum Chum/Kyle: HOMEWORK?!?
[They stare at Kyle's wand and put on cheesy smiles. Cut to Kyle's wand as it fires.]
Kyle: Oh, Scrivener Elf?
[Scrivener Elf appears in a bathtub]
Scrivener Elf: Oh, I just lit my bath candles!

Hank: Homework. Homework. Homework. [Finds a pink sheet] This isn't homework, it's some sort of a note.
[The main 3 look on, super-excited]
Hank: Ohh. "Saving kittens...from an oil spill"?! [crying] You're excused from last night's homework. [Kyle gives him another note] "And the kittens had puppies -- in an avalanche"?! [bawling] You -- you don't have to do homework for the rest of the week!
[The main 3 give each other a two-thumbs up]
Hank: I need a moment! [blows nose loudly]

[At lunch, the boys are wearing space helmets]
Lunch Lady Cram: [offscreen] What do you mean you need... [cut to frame her] extra pudding?
Kyle: Read the note. [puts a note in her face]
Lunch Lady Cram: Ohh, six-month mission to Mars? Such bravery! Wait! Take a lock of my hair!
[She reaches into the pot next to her and produces a ball of glop, which the boys look at disgustingly.]

[In french class...]
Madame LaVache: Un, deux, trois.
[The door opens, and F&C come in on go-karts.]
Madame LaVache: Sacre bleu!
[F&C race all over class]
Madame LaVache: Stop!
[Kyle races by in a go-kart of his own and puts a note in her face, she reads it.]
Madame LaVache:Très bon! [She waves a flag, and Kyle zooms off.]

[Close-up of Hank]
Hank: Well, if the President of the United States took the time to write it, who am I to disobey? [widen to frame him in an arena made up by the surrounded desks.] Okay, bring on the bear!
[A bear emerges as the kids cheer]
Hank: You feel lucky, punk?!?
[He fights the bear]
Fanboy/Chum Chum/Kyle: [Simultaneously] Good job! Yay! Wooowoooo!
[End of montage]

[At the Fanlair, Fanboy and Kyle share cupcakes while Chum Chum continues to bounce on his springs]
Chum Chum: Ha ha, I still can't believe Mr. Mufflin bought that note about us all having low blood sugar.
Kyle: [with mouth full] Say what you will,[close-up] but that man can bake a mean cupcake. [eats cupcake and burps]
Fanboy: [eats cupcake, which falls out of his head flap] So, shall we get a jump on tomorrow's notes?
Kyle: Let's do!
[Kyle fires his wand, which makes Scrivener Elf appear and dance the Carmen Miranda. He stops and sees the main 3 shocked, but Chum Chum is pleased]
Scrivener Elf: Eh, it's complicated.

[Wipe to the quartet on the couch, Chum Chum has grabbed a camera out of nowhere.]
Scrivener Elf: What'll you have?
[Close on Fanboy]
Fanboy: Hmm, well, first, Chum Chum's gonna need a note to get out of art class. He doesn't want to make a paper-mache donkey.
[Cut to Chum Chum, he has ditched his camera and is now holding said project.] Chum Chum: [half-omniously] Their eyes follow you.
[The eyes of the donkey turn to face Chum Chum, which startles him. As he turns his towards it, it returns to normal. Back to full couch view, Chum Chum tosses the donkey away.] Fanboy: Let's see...we'll also want to get out of gym class, of course. And we'd also like to blow off math and history. And, oh, what the heck, you know what? Throw in social studies.
Scrivener Elf: I don't think I can fit all that on one note.
Kyle: So put it on many notes. [Flicks Scrivener Elf's nose] Ah-doy!
[A wider shot shows that all three boys left the couch. They laugh.]
Chum Chum: Good one, Kyle.
[They start to leave]
Scrivener Elf: Hey, see the pad? One note left.
[They stop and come back in reverse]
Fanboy: Only one? How did that happen?
Scrivener Elf: Are you serious? You guys blow through notes like an orchestra! Look what you did to my scrivening hand! You're on your own. [honks nose, disappears]
Kyle: Grr! Scrivener Elf, you get back here at once! Ah, the impudence!
Fanboy: One note left. We'll have to use it wisely. [Starts to sneeze]
Kyle: Don't you dare. Think. think. What is the perfect note?
Chum Chum: Oh, I got it! How about, "please excuse us from all school forever"?
Kyle: Ooh, brazen. [brightening up] But that's its charm.

[Microscopic close-up of the note, we see a pen write an "N".]
Kyle: [offscreen] By using my left hand and a windsor grip, [we now see him, wearing a loupe and writing the note] I do believe I've disguised my penmanship. There. Flawless. Now to let the ink dry.
Fanboy: Oh! I have just the thing! [takes out a fan]
Kyle: [gasps] NO! DON'T! [The fan turns on, and the note flies] Our precious note!
[Their eyes follow the note as it flies above them. It starts to hit the fan, then stops as they are relieved. But the note flies in the back of the fan and becomes notefetti]
Chum Chum: Yay! confetti! Happy Birthday, Kyle! [blows a blower, but Kyle blows the other end inflating his head]
Kyle: Grr!
Fanboy: [slightly terrified] Eh-heh...Cupcake...?
Kyle: You idiot! [pause, looks at wand] Wait a minute. Why didn't I think of this sooner? I'll simply conjure more notes. [raises arms and holds his wand high] I command thee, come hither...NOTES! [fires wand]
[Newts appear]
Fanboy: Uh, those are newts.
Kyle: Notes!
[Gnats appear]
Chum Chum: Ugh, woah! Gnats!
Kyle: Notes!
[Nets capture them]
Fanboy: Uh...
Kyle: Nets, I know.

[Dissolve to the Fanlair exterior.]
Kyle: [from inside] Notes.
[The roof pops up and smoke flies out in return. Dissolve to night.]
Kyle: [from inside] Notes.
[Another roof spring and smoke burst. Dissolve to sunrise.]
Kyle: [from inside] Notes.
[Another roof spring and smoke burst.]

[Cut to Fanboy still in his net; now peanuts surround him.]
Fanboy: Mmm, good nuts, Kyle. [Pan to Kyle, also covered in nuts, he continues offscreen.] How are the notes coming?
Kyle: I can't concentrate with these gnats in my face. [as gnats briefly fly off] Phooey!
[The bell rings in the distance, Fanboy pokes his head out of the net]
Fanboy: The school bell! we're late again!
Kyle: [he too has his head sticking out] If only we weren't trapped in these nets.
Chum Chum: Why don't we use this? [holds up an axe]
Kyle: Where did you get that?
Chum Chum: [pokes head out] When you conjured those knights. [Briefly, we see the knights Kyle conjured] Hi-yah! [They fall to the floor]
Kyle: [frantic] We're tardy again, and we don't have a note!
Fanboy: Kyle, relax. We've got all the note we need right here! [As he says this, he holds up the notefetti.]

[At school...]
Hank: A note, huh? [takes the taped-up note and reads it] "Please...excuse...Fan...Kyle...Chum...from Mr. Mufflin's class...forever. Flee-bee-pee-nih-nee-nee-mer-cue-leh." Well, this seems to be in order.
[Fanboy, Chum Chum and Kyle giggle]
Hank: Fan-Kyle-Chum!
Fankylechum: Present!
[Fanboy, Chum Chum and Kyle look on, horrified. Fankylechum walks up to Mr. Mufflin]
Hank: Yup. Looks like you're free to go!
Fankylechum: Thank you! Now I can play recess forever!
[He leaves. Fanboy, Chum Chum and Kyle's jaws drop]
Hank: [offscreen] Now, you three! [cut to him] Where's your note?
[Cut to them just from behind.] Fanboy: Just stay cool and let me handle --
Kyle: It was those two! They forced me to write those fake notes! The whole ordeal was very taxing.
Hank: Fake notes? FAKE NOTES?!?
Fanboy: Well, technically they were real notes, just with fake stuff written on them.
Hank: You mean those kitten-puppies weren't in danger at all? You boys are going to have to make up all that work you got out of...
[Kyle starts to back away, but Fanboy brings him back]
Fanboy: Oh, yes, of course, Mr. Mufflin. That's just what we'll do.
Hank: DURING SPRING BREAK!!!
[He glares at them evily. The main 3 are horrified and discouraged]

[We now see everyone bouncing on spring shoes, as it is Spring Break. We see them having fun. Pan to the boys at the window, sadly watching them while they work]
Chum Chum: Those are our springs.
Fanboy/Chum Chum/Kyle: [sigh]
Hank: [off-camera] Back to work!
[They duck down while Kyle closes the window. Scrivener Elf bounces by and puts up a sign reading "THE END", and bounces off. Snap to black.]

Previous:
"The Janitor's Apprentice"
Transcripts Next:
"Night Morning"

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