[Scene opens up showing a view of Kyle's house]
Kyle: [off camera] How am I ever going to pass this test?!?
[We now see Kyle. He is sitting at his coffee table, which is crowded with books. Necronomicon looks on, worried]
Kyle: Ugh! "Introduction to Spells and Charms", "Wandwork 101", "Getting Familiar with Familiars". Oh, I'll never get back into Milkweed!!!
[He squishes his head with books, then hangs it in shame. Suddenly, F&C crash through the roof on a turbo bike]
Fanboy: WOW! THAT! WAS! THE COOLEST! JUMP! EVER!
[Kyle comes out from under one of the boards]
Fanboy: Oh, hey, Kyle! What are you doing in the bottom of Snake River Canyon?
Kyle: Well, I was studying for the M.A.T.s!
Chum Chum: "M.A.T.s"? What's that?
Fanboy: And a follow-up question, what is "studying"?
Kyle: M.A.T.s: The Milkweed Admittance Test. Once I pass the exam, I intend to re-matriculate at my Alma Matar post-haste.
Chum Chum: Kyle's talking gibberish.
Fanboy: Sounds like someone's blood sugar is a little low. Come on, Chum Chum, let's go make Kyle a study snack.
[Later, Fanboy shows a small round snack container]
Fanboy: Hope you like leftovers! All we found was this container that says: "Flan: Do not open under any circumstances". [Kyle gets horrified] But you look pretty hungry, so I'll make an exception. [he starts to open the container]
Kyle: No, no, don't open --
[Too late! Fanboy opens the container and drops a flan onto a plate on Kyle's coffee table. As he does so, it starts to expand. Kyle holds tight to Necronomicon horrified as he watches the flan grow a body]
Necronomicon: Oh, nonono, oh, nonono...
[The flan grows a body. Before you know it, the flan has transformed into Professor Flan, Kyle's former teacher. He doesn't seem so very pleased]
Professor Flan: Well. [Fits a monocle to his eye] If it isn't Kyle Bloodworth-Thomason!
Kyle: [acting innocent] Hello, Professor Flan. You looking well?
Professor Flan: No, thanks to you! [spills some glaze over Kyle's head] First, you turn me into a raspberry flan. Then, you stuff me in a container, and toss me in the ice box! I almost expired again!
Kyle: Oh, I was - just simply...preserving your...wizardry powers. So, that - you know, future generations could - you know, enjoy you and taste you.
Professor Flan: Oh, stop kissing my behind! Then, tell your friends to stop nibbling it!
[F&C are nibbling Professor Flan's back]
Professor Flan: [sneeky] I know all about your plans to get back into Milkweed. Well, I have a plan of my own. I shall return tomorrow to administer your test PERSONALLY! And you'd better get every question correct, or you will never see the hallowed halls of Milkweed Academy again! [laughs mainically] Don't worry, that happens a lot, that is. [sniff, spit] And oh, there, right. Ahem. [sniff] Where was I? Never mind. [slams his top hat on his head] Good day. [disappears]
Kyle: Oh, heavens! I can't possibly get my studies done in time.
Fanboy: Why not do what we do? Fail.
Chum Chum: Yeah. Then you can stay in Mr. Mufflin's class with us.
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Forever... [briefly, they imagine themselves as senior citizens]
Kyle: [pause] Cheat! That's what I need to do. I've got it! Crib Notes! Oh, Necronomicon? [Necronomicon appears] I need a spell for Crib Notes.
Necronomicon: Crib Notes?! Oh, nononono, dear boy! I won't be happy for cheating. It's wrong, wrong!
Kyle: [takes Necronomicon and tries to open him] Oh, work it! Shut your holio, then open your 'folio.
[He manages to open Necronomicon. He flips through the pages until he reaches the one with the Crib Notes spell]
Kyle: Ah, here we are. Crib Notes. [Waves his wand] Cheetah Cheetah Pumpkin Eatah, Cribbity Bibbity Oh Whop Bam Notes!
[He fires his wand. In a puff of smoke, Kyle's sofa is replaced with a baby's crib. Kyle himself has disappeared as well]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: [coughing]
Fanboy: Hey, Kyle turned into a crib!
Kyle: [in a baby voice] No I didn't, I'm in here!
[F&C run up to the crib and peek inside. They gasp]
Chum Chum: Kyle, you're a baby!
[His perspective. Kyle isn't a pre-teen anymore, he is now an infant baby]
Baby Kyle: Oh, no. What happened to me?
Necronomicon: If you'd bother to read, you'd see that's the way the spell works! First, the wizard becomes a baby, then he must fall asleep in the Enchanted Crib. Only then, will the Crib Notes appear. [disappears]
Fanboy: Well, that's easy enough. Just scootch down with your binky and your blankey...
Chum Chum: [riding a cloud-ferry] And take the cloud-ferry to Sleepytime Island.
[Baby Kyle sighs, then falls asleep. Fanboy looks at his watch and starts counting how long he's sleeping, only to hear Baby Kyle wake up and cry. F&C are stunned, then they peek back into the crib]
Fanboy: Aww, what's wrong, Baby Kyle?
Baby Kyle: I don't know. [sob] It seems I'm not suffically fatigued.
[F&C are surprised]
Fanboy: Baby Kyle, we can understand your baby gibberish. No, we can't.
Baby Kyle: I'm not tired!
Chum Chum: Maybe baby wants to be helded.
Fanboy: [gasp] Does someone want to go uppums?
Baby Kyle: Yes, yes, I want to be held.
[Fanboy picks Baby Kyle up, but he starts to slip out]
Fanboy: Huh? Well, I can't seem to -
Chum Chum: Careful!
Fanboy: I'm trying! [flops Baby Kyle to Chum Chum]
Chum Chum: He's too slippery. I need baby powder.
[Fanboy finds a bottle and squirts. But it's a baby oil bottle, not a baby powder one]
Chum Chum: Not baby oil!
[They wind up tossing Baby Kyle back and fourth]
Baby Kyle: Would you please put me - [sees a chainsaw] Ah! Is that a chainsaw?
[F&C are juggling Baby Kyle with chainsaws]
Fanboy: Just go with it, Kyle, we're in a group. [sings a circus tune]
Baby Kyle: Put me back in my crib at once!
Fanboy: You heard him, Chum Chum. Big finish!
[He throws Baby Kyle upward while singing the circus tune. Chum Chum, riding the trapeze, catches him and throws him through a flaming hoop, over a pit of bears and he safely lands back in his crib. Suddenly, chainsaws land in the floor and start cutting a hole around the crib]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Ta-da!
[The hole opens and Baby Kyle falls in through to the basement with the crib. F&C peek through it]
Fanboy: You okay there?
Chum Chum: Crawl it off, Kyle Baby.
[In the dining room, Fanboy suggests feeding Baby Kyle a snack to make him tired]
Fanboy: There, there, Baby Kyle. You'll sleep better when you have a nice, full tummy. [starts moving the spoon toward the baby's mouth. In singsong voice] Okay, open wide! Here comes the airplane!
Baby Kyle: I may be in diapers, but I'm not daft. [knocks the spoon away] That is a spoon, not an aeroplane.
Fanboy: I know! This is just for directing Chum Chum. He's in the airplane.
[Baby Kyle looks up and sees Chum Chum in an airplane]
Fanboy: Crocker to Chum Chum, you are clear for approach of doctor 2-0-nighter over.
Chum Chum: Copy that, Grandcook. Targets in sight, arming the payload. [Activates a spoon mechanism and targets Baby Kyle] We are target lock.
Fanboy: Commence feeding.
Baby Kyle: Oh, no. Nono, no! [Hops out of his seat and crawls away]
[Chum Chum starts shooting food]
Baby Kyle: AHH! Make him stop! MAKE HIM STOP!!!
Fanboy: We're gonna have to abort mission. Target is being fussy, I repeat, abort.
Chum Chum: [tries to stop but falls] I can't pull up! I'm going dooooown!
[Baby Kyle ducks down, but the plane crashes just in front of him]
Chum Chum: Sorry, sarge. Looks like I missed my target. [lands safely on the ground with his parachute]
Fanboy: At ease, Chum Chum. We still got plan bravo. We are go for choo-choo train.
[A toy train with a spoon charges foreward. Baby Kyle screams]
[Later, Baby Kyle is back in his crib, mouth full and quivering]
Baby Kyle: [to himself, pulls a spoon out of his mouth] Just conjure the Crib Notes and ha, you'll pass the test. M.A.T.s.
Fanboy: Kyle, you'll never go to sleep if you keep twitching like that.
Chum Chum: When I was a baby, I liked to be rocked to sleep.
Fanboy: Rock to sleep! Of cour-r-rse! It's so obvious!
[F&C leave, and the lights go out]
Fanboy: [off camera] Hello, Kyle's Cr-ib-ah!
Baby Kyle: What the-
[The lights turn back on. Kyle's crib is now on a stage in his basement, in front of a crowd. F&C are standing on speakers, holding elecric guitars. Fanboy's is a silver double-neck while Chum Chum's is a flaming hofner]
Fanboy: Are you ready to get rocked-tah?!?
Baby Kyle: Oh please, no.
(Song: Crib Rock)
[Fanboy hops off his speaker and knocks Kyle to the other]
Fanboy: ♪ Yaaaaaah! ♪
[Chum Chum starts up a light show]
Chum Chum: ♪ Ahhhhhhh! ♪
[Fanboy kicks the crib into the crowd and he and Chum Chum continue playing. The crib with Baby Kyle in it gets tossed throught the crowd]
Baby Kyle: Please, no! Oh, be careful! Please, don't drop me!
[The crib gets tossed back to the stage]
Fanboy: ♪ Kyle, waaaalalalalalalowa feeling sleepy yet?!? Ah! ♪
[F&C run over to the crib and discover Baby Kyle is not there. Only a beach ball is in his place]
Fanboy: Kyle? [Looks up and sees Baby Kyle getting tossed through the crowd]
Baby Kyle: No!
Fanboy: [grabs a microphone] Uh, could someone pass the baby back to the stage, please? Baby back to the stage, thank you, rock on.
[The crowd throws Baby Kyle back to the crib]
Baby Kyle: Someone stole my pacifier!
[Hank is being tossed through the crowd wearing Kyle's pacifier and waving glow sticks]
Hank: I'm on everyone, woohoo!
[F&C finally get a chance to finish their song. The crowd cheers. They peek inside to see Baby Kyle, sleeping at last]
Fanboy: [whispering] It worked, Kyle's finally asleep.
Chum Chum: [whispering] Okay, be real quiet.
Fanboy: [whispering] You got it, be real quiet on three. [then, loud] ONE, TWO, THREE!
[They play another song]
(Song: Be Quiet!)
Fanboy: ♪ Gotta be real quiet, Kyle's trying to sleep ♪
Chum Chum: ♪ (Ha!) ♪
Fanboy: ♪ Trying to get, trying to get, trying to get to Milkweed ♪
Chum Chum: ♪ (Ha!) ♪
Fanboy: ♪ Gotta be real quiet, gotta hush to sleep ♪
♪ Trying -- ♪
[Outside, it is early the next morning as the sun comes up]
[Baby Kyle's perspective. He is sleeping]
Fanboy: Kyle? [singsong] Ky-le? Time to wake up!
[Groaning, Kyle wakes up and sees F&C]
Fanboy: You did it! You slept for five minutes! Feel refreshed?
Chum Chum: Wow. You had some growth spurt.
[On Kyle, who is crammed up in the crib. He is no longer a baby, he is back to a pre-teen!]
Kyle: Huh? What? [jumps out of the crib] I'm back to normal! That must mean the Crib Notes are here! [digs through the crib, but doesn't see any Crib Notes, just some baby oil, a book, and a diaper which lands on Fanboy's head] Not here! But they've got to be! I fell asleep in the crib, and, BEBEBA, BABA, ABA, CACA, DADA, BABABA.
[During this, F&C are confused]
Fanboy: Are you okay, normal-sized Kyle?
Kyle: I'm talking like a baby! How am I going to take the test without passing off talking like a BABA, CACA, like a baby?! [puts hand on mouth]
Fanboy: Wait a minute Kyle, say that again.
Kyle: GAGADA, BABA. [puts hand on mouth]
Chum Chum: That's not baby talk.
Fanboy: Those are test answers!
[He conjures up his M.A.T. test sheet, then sits down to work]
Kyle: BA. BACA. [Uses his wand to write down the answers] B-A-C-A. Oh, I see.
[Minutes later, Professor Flan has returned to grade the sheet. He has a quill in his right hand and the exam in his right]
Professor Flan: [mumbling] My, my, my, well, then. [continues mumbling]
[Close-up of the exam. In the background, Kyle is to the left, pleading. F&C are on the right, pleading. Professor Flan's quill grades every answer correct. Back on Professor Flan]
Professor Flan: [sniff] It would seems you have answered EVERY QUESTION... [makes quill disappear] correctly.
Kyle: I did it! Milkweed, here I come!
[At that moment, Kyle starts glowing as he laughs mainically. He rises up into the air surrounded by blue light. F&C look on, excited about their friend. Professor Flan just stares]
Kyle: And when I finally complete my studies and become the most powerful pre-teen wizard this world has ever seen, I shall use my skills to turn you into a plum pudding. As I originally intended. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, FATTY-FAT, FLANNY-FLAN? [cackles]
Professor Flan: Ahem. However - it seems that in taking the exam, you failed to use a No. 2 Wand.
[Kyle stops glowing and floats confused. F&C are confused as well]
Professor Flan: Thereby, rendering all your correct answers - null and void.
[Kyle still floats confused]
Professor Flan: READMITTANCE...
[A giant stamp appears]
[The stamp hits Kyle, leaving "DENIED" all over him]
Professor Flan: DENIED!!! [cackles]
[Kyle falls out of the stamp and hits the floor, disappointed]
Professor Flan: Ohohohohoho, that felt good. I do so look forward to denying you again in the future, Kyle. Flanny-flanny-flanny-flan...out! [disappears]
[F&C come over. Chum Chum sucks up all the glaze with a giant straw]
Chum Chum: [noices Kyle in a serious funk] Aww, poor Kyle. Let's cheer him up.
Fanboy: You're right! Let's cheer him up on three. ONE, TWO, THREE!
[F&C pull out their guitars from earlier and play one final song. Kyle puts his hands over his ears and tries to block the sound out]
(Song: Cheer Up)
Fanboy: ♪ Let's cheer him up, he's feeling real down ♪
♪ Cause I gotta do, cause I'm after me in north town ♪
Fanboy and Chum Chum: ♪ He's got, he's got, he's got ♪
♪ He's never getting out...cha! ♪