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Chicken Pox/Transcript

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Return to "Chicken Pox".

[Scene opens at Kyle's house. Breifly, we see a self-portrait of him. Then, Kyle himself comes onto the screen and sneezes a thermometer out of his mouth. He is very sick. Kyle then slumps onto his sofa and holds a book while he lays his left hand on his head]

Kyle: Oh, so sick. I feel like the south-end of a north bound troll. Perhaps my Necronomicon might have a cure for what ails me.
[Kyle fires his wand at a bookshelf. He brings Necronomicon forward]
Necronomicon: What do you seek from the Necronomi - Oh, dear!
[Scene shows a close-up of Kyle's sick face]
Necronomicon: You look terrible! And I thought my face was leathery.
Kyle: I know. I'm suffering, and I need a diagnosis.
Necronomicon: You're in luck! Before I was the Book of the Dead, I was the Book of the Very, Very Sick. Tell me your symptoms, dear boy.
Kyle: Well, my nose is runny, upset tummy, chills and shakes, pains and aches, swollen glands, clammy hands, oh, and excessive rhyming.
Necronomicon: Behold, the diagnosis you seek!
[He opens to a page. Kyle looks at it, his eyes widen]
Kyle: [gasp] Chicken Pox?!? [Looks at the camera in shock, then throws Necronomicon over his shoulder in disgust]
Necronomicon: Oww! Denial! The first stage of Chicken Pox! Of course, you know the horrible second stage, ooh?
Kyle: Oh, enough of you, You're a bigger bore than a dictionary. [Sends Necronomicon back to his shelf]

Kyle: Oh, Chicken Pox! [Uses individual locks to seal the door shut] Thank goodness no one saw me before it reaches the second stage. [gasp] The blinds! No one must see me! [closes the blinds of his window] Ah, there. Safe from -- AHH!
[On the scream, we pull out to show Fanboy and Chum Chum who are already here. Kyle hides in the window blinds, with only his eyes to be visable]
Chum Chum: Hi Kyle, we heard you were sick!
Kyle: Wha - how did you get in?
Fanboy: You left your mail slot unlocked.
Kyle: Well, what are you doing here? [reveals himself on the word "what"]
Chum Chum: We brought you your homework, but a dog ate it. [As he says this, he holds up a chewed book. They both giggle]
Fanboy: All the times we said it happened to us, and it happens to you. What are the odds?

Kyle: Yes, well, you can't stay. [Puts his arms on Fanboy who gets confused, then tries to push him] You... [grunting] Have to go.
Fanboy: Whoa, Kyle, your push -- it's so weak! We have to get you lying down.
[Chum Chum pushes the sofa over to Kyle, causing him to fly around and land on it flat]
Kyle: Whoa -- ow!
Fanboy: Oh, that reminds me. We have to prop up your head. [Puts a pillow under Kyle's head]
Chum Chum: Uh, I think we're supposed to elevate his feet.[Puts a pillow under Kyle's feet]
Fanboy: Hm, I always heard head. [Puts another pillow under Kyle's head]
Chum Chum: No, I'm pretty sure it's his feet. [Puts another pillow under Kyle's feet]
[They begin rapidly placing pillows]
Fanboy: Head!
Chum Chum: Feet!
Fanboy: Head!
Chum Chum: Feet!
[The pillow war speeds up]
Fanboy: HEAD!
Chum Chum: FEET!
Fanboy: HEAD!

[They suddenly stop]
Fanboy: Huh? Did you say something, Kyle?
[Pull out to show a pillow-squeezed Kyle on the sofa. He can't speak, just moan, because his right foot is stuck in his mouth]
Chum Chum: Oh, look, he's hungry.
Fanboy: Aw, would you like us to make you some of your favorite British foods, huh? What would you like, some nice cow hoof soup? [Kyle's face turns green as he gags] Whoop! Green means go.

[They race off to the kitchen. Kyle flops the pillows away and takes his foot out of his mouth]

Kyle: I don’t require any food! What I need is for you! to leave and not! come ba-gawk! [puts hands on mouth] Oh, no. It’s starting. [bobs his head like a chicken] Oh, dear. Oh, dear. [his right arm begins flapping] Oh, no you don't. [the other arm starts flapping] Get down, you! [Flaps both arms. Clucks while doing a hilarious chicken dance around the room]
[Fanboy opens the kitchen door to check on Kyle]
Fanboy: Hey, Kyle, all you have is diet sheep guts -- [Sees him pecking on the floor] Uh, what are you doing?
Kyle: Oh! Um, just looking for some millet seed. I mean, a papercluck -- clip! [like a chicken] Paperclip!
Fanboy: Uh, well, you won't find any down there, we're using them to fasten the sheep guts. Now, get back to bed!
Kyle: Bak-ack!
Fanboy: Yes, back-ack! To bed! sheesley. [closes door]

Kyle: Oh, that was close. I can't let them see me like this. I have to get out of here!
[He chicken dances over to the door and right when he reaches his right arm out to turn the doorknob, it turns into a chicken wing and it couldn't]
Kyle: Ba-gawk! [his left arm becomes a wing, too] Ba-gawk!! [puts hands on mouth and bows down. When he raises up and removes his wings, he sees a beak in place of his wizard lips] Ba-gawk!
Chum Chum: [from the kitchen, in singsong voice] Hope you're hungry, Kyle, 'cause we're coming through the door any second now.
Kyle: I've gotta hide! Oh - I g - bawk!

[On the kitchen door. It opens to reveal Fanboy and Chum Chum. Fanboy is carrying a tray of sheep guts]
Fanboy: Okay, lunchtime. Get these guts while they're hot. [pause] Kyle?

[His perspective. Pan slowly through the living room as the clock ticks, we stop on the clock. The clock strikes 3:00, zooming in on it with each strike. On the third, the cuckoo door opens and Kyle bursts out, clucking. He is not a wizard anymore, he is now a huge red chicken with bright orange feathers. The only things that are normal on him are his head and braces, though a comb is sticking up in front of the flips on the top of Kyle's head and his braces are circled by a beak. F&C scream in horror. Kyle clucks one last time before falling off the cuckoo line and landing behind the sofa]

Chum Chum: Did you see that?
Fanboy: Yeah. That giant chicken monster ate our pal Kyle.
Chum Chum: Let's beat on it till it coughs him up.
[They let out a battle cry, then jump up and land on Kyle. They start to beat him up]
Fanboy: Feel that! [he flies all over the place] Get him!
Kyle: [grunting and crashing] Stop! You nincompoops! [squawking and clucking] It's me... [gets hit in the butt] Your school chum, Kyle!

[They stop battling him]
Fanboy: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, wait a minute. That accent! Those braces! That coxcomb and wattle! It is Kyle!
Kyle: Of course it's me, ba-gawk! This is what happens to wizards, when they get the chicken pox!
Chum Chum: Wow, all I got were itchy bumps. [at the camera] And comic books from my nana.
Fanboy: Wow, you're sicker than we thought.
Kyle: Don't look at me. I'm embarrassed. [starts crying]
Fanboy: You shouldn't be embarrassed, Kyle. You have very plump thighs.
Chum Chum: Um...Kyle? So what do you have to do to get better?
Kyle: Oh, you know, the usual: Bed rest, plenty of fluids, lay an egg. [On the last sentence, he covers his mouth with his left wing]
Fanboy: I'm sorry. what was the last part? The words kind of got caught in your gizzard.
Kyle: The cure is... I... [very fast] Have to lay an egg, all right?! Satisfied? Happy?!

[For a moment the boys are silent. Then, Fanboy & Chum Chum start cracking up]
Kyle: It's not funny!
Fanboy: Sorry, Kyle. We were only..."yolking"!
[They laugh again, harder]
Chum Chum: Yeah, I'm sure your illness won't be - "over easy".
[They laugh again, even harder. Kyle starts to grumble]
Fanboy: Oh, oh, I got a good one! An egg's gonna come out of your butt!
[They laugh the hardest of all and couldn't control it]
Kyle: Oh, shut the ba-gawk and leave at once!
Chum Chum: Maybe we can help you.
Kyle: No! I can't go while you're watching. I mean -- I just need some peace and quiet in which to do my business.
Fanboy: We understand. [records Kyle's chicken butt] You're trying to keep your dignity.
Kyle: Yes.
Fanboy: Come on, Chum Chum. [Chum Chum takes a picture] Let's leave so Kyle can squeeze out his butt egg.
[They walk out into the hall]
Kyle: Finally. Oh, the stress those two cause. [sits on his bed of feathers] Now I can relax and let nature take its course. [falls asleep]

[For a moment all is silent, then blowers start going off]
Fanboy & Chum Chum: Surprise!
[Kyle gobbles and hops upward. F&C come in, wearing party hats and carrying blowers in their mouthes]

Chum Chum: [at the camera] Where'd Kyle go?
[they look at his nest, then upwards. Kyle is on the chandelier, clucking as if startled]
Fanboy: It's okay, Kyle. We just wanted to throw you an eggwarming party.
Chum Chum: And we got you a gift. Look. [points at a chicken roost]
Kyle: I don't need a party, and I most certainly don't want a -- [then, pleased] Oh, is that a roost?
Fanboy: Yep. With your very own nest. Let me get it nice and tamped down for you. [stamps the straw with his feet]
Kyle: Stop! [he stops] That's not how you tamp. You're crushing the straw. [tamps properly] This is how you tamp down a nest. Tamp, tamp, tamp. [on the third "tamp", he falls off] Ow! Oh. [moaning and groaning] I can't breathe. [muttering] Oh, stop.
Fanboy: [to Chum Chum] Ew. is he okay?
Chum Chum: Squawk it off, Kyle.
[Kyle flies upward and smacks them out of frame]
Kyle: That's it! You idiots are both going into the cone of silence.

[He uses his beak to wave his wand and cast the spell. Fanboy & Chum Chum try to escape but couldn't, as they're now surrounded by a huge, plastic dome. They slam into it, then slide down]

Fanboy: Uh, actually, it's more of a dome.
Kyle: Oops, forgot to hit "Mute". [presses a remote]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Kyle --
[Volume bars appear over them and diminish to mute. Their dialogue is inaudible outside the dome]
Kyle: [sighs] Ah, music to my ear holes.
[Inside the dome]
Fanboy: Kyle! KYLE!!! [to Chum Chum] Wow, he really can't hear us.
Chum Chum: It's like being in a fish tank. [puts his face on the dome and sucks on it] Hey, I'm a suckerfish. Look, I'm bottom feeding.
Fanboy: [giggles] Hey, I wanna try. [joins in the sucking]
[Kyle can watch them from outside]
Kyle: [at the camera] Well, that'll keep them busy for 10 or 12 hours.

[Kyle returns to his roost]
Kyle: [sighs] Sweet silence. Okay, Kyle, it's time to make an egg. [tries hard to poop the egg out] Just a little egg. [grunting] Come on! It doesn't have to be grade "a" jumbo! [sighs] Maybe some coffee and a bran muffin to help things along? [Flaps down to the dome and smacks it, scoffs, and walks away]

[In the dome, Fanboy is still bottom feeding when he sees Kyle's wand right in front of his feet]
Fanboy: Hey, look! [picks it up] Kyle left us his conductor stick.
Chum Chum: Ooh! Conduct me, conduct me! [holds up a pair of cymbals]
[Fanboy clears his throat as he raises the wand and an orchestra warms up sound is heard. He taps on the music stand, which activates it! It fires a pink aura out of the dome and onto Kyle, who is on the roost and drinking some coffee while reading the newspaper. He notices the aura on his stomach]
Kyle: [questioned chicken noise] That looks like the beam from my -- [looks at Fanboy using the wand and gasps] Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Hello! Put my magic wand down. Do you hear me?
[Due to shutting off the volume, Fanboy takes no notice of Kyle as he rises the wand upward which drags Kyle along. The 1812 Overture starts, and as Fanboy waves the wand around while Chum Chum bangs his cymbals, Kyle is dragged by the aura and crashes into various parts of the room]

(Song: Fanboy's Orchestra Song)

Fanboy: Dah-da dah-da dah-da dah-da da da
I wish I knew the words to this song
I like waving this thing in the air
I feel like I got a lightsaber

Dah-da dah-da dah-da da da
Dah-da dah-da dah-da dah-da da da
Dah-da dah-da dah-da dah-da da da

[He starts to end the song by making "dragging" motions with the wand, which drags Kyle on the floor. Then, after the final cymbal crash, Fanboy raises his arms upward slowly, and Kyle hits the chandelier which releases a shower of sparks. Kyle then falls onto the roof of the dome, burnt and tired]

Fanboy: Look, Kyle's here! Maybe he laid his egg!
[He tosses the wand over his shoulder and it hits the dome. It disappears; Kyle hits the ground and groans.]
Fanboy: Did you see us, Kyle? We were playing orchestra! And I always thought old people music was boring.
Chum Chum: But it's not. It's loud!
[At that moment, Kyle raises upward, gobbling angry. He turns toward Fanboy & Chum Chum, who's excited expressions were replaced by frightened ones]
Kyle: You two! I'm going to wrap my wings around your --
Chum Chum: Kyle, calm down. You're starting to fricassee.

[There is a loud burp sound. Kyle looks down as he suddenly floats upward a little. He gasps as the camera pans down to reveal his chicken egg!]

Fanboy: Kyle, your egg! You did it!
Kyle: I did! I laid the egg! [holds it up] I'm cured!
Chum Chum: Um, you don't look cured.
Kyle: [rapid gasping] Something's gone wrong. This is all your fault, you made me lay a bad egg. I got so mad, I probably hard-boiled it! And now, I'm going to be a chicken for the rest of my life!
Fanboy: Oh, no! Don't worry, Kyle. We can make it better.
Chum Chum: Yeah, maybe if we shake it. [grabs the egg and shakes it]
Kyle: No. [takes it back] Unhand my -- ba-gawk -- egg!
Fanboy: [takes the egg] Let me help!
[They start wrestling over the egg]
Chum Chum: Careful.

[They grunt as they wrestle, then they suddenly fall on each other. The egg hits the ground and cracks on the bottom. They all gasp]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Oops.
[Kyle is in a rage once more. F&C are undeniably scared]
Kyle: You! I'm gonna peck your feet so hard!
[There is a cracking noise. It's coming from the egg! The main 3 stare at it, then an Elf Doctor comes out]
Fanboy, Chum Chum and Kyle: Oh!
Chum Chum: So that's where doctors come from.
[The Elf Doctor tiptoes over to Kyle and waves his wand, knocking him out of frame]
Kyle: Ow!
[Fanboy & Chum Chum rush over to him and are surprised when he stands up. Kyle is no longer a chicken! He is now back to his regular, wizard self!]
Kyle: Grr! [Looks at his now normal hands] Hmm? I'm back to normal! Thank you, Dr. Elfman.
Elf Doctor: Uh, word of advice? Eat more roughage. [disappears]

Fanboy: Hey, Kyle, now that you're better, why don't we watch a movie?
Kyle: [grumbles] Or -- now that I have my strength back, why don't I push you two out the door!
[F&C are confused once more as Kyle once again tries to push them out. He grunts hard, but even though he has his strength back, it is so hard to push just two normal-sized superheroes]
Chum Chum: Yippee! Movie!
Fanboy: I'll pop the popcorn! [Waves Kyle's wand]
Kyle: No!
[Too late! The screen is covered in smoke. When the smoke goes away, we see that the main 3 have turned into giant ears of corn due to the fact that Fanboy used the wand and he's not a wizard]
Kyle: Talk about a corny ending.

[Iris out as the episode appears to be over, then the Elf Doctor comes through the iris and waves his wand. He disappears, leaving behind a shower of sparkles, officially ending the episode.]

Previous:
"Fanboyfriend"
Transcripts Next:
"Moppy Dearest"

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