[Scene opens in the Frosty Mart]
[door barges open]
Chris Chuggy/Fanboy/Chum Chum/Yo: FREE LOLLIPOPS!
Chum Chum: Where are they?!
Lenny: What are you crazy kids talking about? We don't have anything free here! The tiniest can of corn costs twelve dollars!
Fanboy: Then, why would someone put up a sign that said -- uh-oh.
Boog: Oops! Did I write "lollipops"? 'Cause today's special is free...lolli-bops! [laughs] Now, line up, dweebs!
Chris Chuggy/Fanboy/Chum Chum/Yo: [dejected] Awwww...
[Boog is bopping the kids to the tune of "Ode to Joy"]
Boog: Man, it's as if Beethoven's boppin' through me!
[He continues to bop them, but stops when he sees Agent Johnson]
Agent Johnson: Are you Boogreguard Shlizetti?
Boog: In my handsome flesh.
Agent Johnson: [pause] Detective Johnson, head of Frosty Mart Security. Our cameras have recorded forty-thousand separate incidents of you bopping our customers.
Boog: Sweet! I -- could I get a copy of those tapes? I'm thinking of putting out a "Boog's Best Bops" DVD. [inhales, pause] You know, with extras.
Agent Johnson: Listen here, pally! I'm here to fire you!
Boog: What the bop, you're gonna fire me?
Chris Chuggy/Fanboy/Chum Chum/Yo: YAAAAAAAY!
[Boog stares at the kids, they stop]
Boog: Well, fine! I don't want this crummy job anyway! So long, suckers! [at the Chimp Chomp machine] Come on, baby. Let's roll. [carries the machine]
Agent Johnson: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Unhand that machine! That's company property!
[they wrestle over the machine]
Boog: But, but, Chimp Chomp's my baby!
[they stop wrestling]
Agent Johnson: Find a new machine! This one's spoken for. Hmmhmmhmm.
Boog: AHH! No! I can't leave my Chimp Chomp! She's my everything. Please, please just give me another chance! I'll stop bopping. You'll see! I can -- I can -- I can change.
[the machine beeps]
Agent Johnson: What's that, Sugar? Ohhh, all right. The lady wants me to give you one more chance. I'll be back in twenty-four hours. But if you're still bopping, you're fired for GOOD! Johnson out. [leaves]
[long pause, then...]
Fanboy/Chum Chum: Hey, hey! [clap clap] Ho, ho! [clap clap] Boog the Bopper has got to go! Hey, hey! [clap clap] Ho, ho! [clap]
Boog: YO! Shut your rat traps, all right? I ain't gettin' fired! 'Cause I can stop boppin' any time I want.
[we hear a bonk noise, widen to reveal he's bopping Lenny]
Lenny: Now might be -- ugh! Good time. Ugh!
Boog: AHH! Fisty! What are ya doin'? You're gonna cost us Chimp Chomp!
Fanboy: Well, have fun in the real world, Boog!
Chum Chum: Yeah. Maybe you can get a job at the Stop 'n Bop.
Fanboy/Chum Chum: [laughing, they go outside] Hey, hey! Ho, ho! [clap] Boog the Bopper has got to go!
Boog: Please! I-I-I can't quit this on my own, I-I-I know me, I-I lack all bop self control! PLEASE! [drops to the ground] I need your help. [whimpers]
Fanboy: Oh, we have to help him.
Chum Chum: Are you crazy? He didn't help you when you were under that bus that he was driving.
Fanboy: Call me a dreamer, Chum Chum. But I have a vision of a bop-free world.
Chum Chum: A bop-free world. Think you there ever could be such a place?
Fanboy: I know this: It starts one fist at a time.
Chum Chum: Before we begin your treatment, we'll need to give you a complete, physical workup.
[Fanboy holds up a small, rubber Chimp Chomp hammer]
Boog: What? Oh, what do you think you're doing with that?
Fanboy: I'm just gonna check your reflexes. [hammers Boog's right leg, gets bopped] Ow. [hammers Boog's left leg, gets bopped] Ow. Okay, now I need you to open up and say "ahh". [holds up tongue depressor]
Boog: Ahh... [bops Fanboy with his tongue]
Fanboy: [to Chum Chum] It's more serious than I thought. His whole body appears to be one big bopping reflex.
Chum Chum: I was afraid of that. What do you recommend, doctor?
Fanboy: [pause] I think our patient may require...a shock, to the system.
[Fanboy puts a shock collar around Boog's neck]
Boog: Heyheyhey, hey! What's this thing?
Chum Chum: It's an electric brace to help curb your bopping.
Fanboy: It's what people in the industry call a behavior modification device.
Boog: What people in the industry?
Chum Chum: The guy at the pet store.
Boog: Oh, the -- WHA? I ain't wearin' no dark collar! [starts to take the collar off]
[Chum Chum activates a remote, Boog gets shocked]
Boog: This stupid thing shocked me!
Fanboy: That means it's working.
Chum Chum: It zaps you every time you try to bop.
Boog: Are you crazy?! I -- [gets shocked]
Chum Chum: Or think about bopping.
Boog: Oh, that is it. This is comin' off right now! [gets shocked, gasps for breath]
Fanboy: Come on, Boog. It's for your own good.
Chum Chum: Yes. Listen to Pretend Doctor Fanboy, and leave the collar be.
Boog: [fidgets, gasps for breath] Okay. Eee...you're right. I'll listen to you from now -- [yanks collar causing Chum Chum to shock him, gasps for breath, faints] Fine. I surrender. I'll wear your stupid torture device.
Fanboy: That's the spirit. Now, don't you feel --
[Boog gets shocked suddenly]
Boog: [grunts] WHAT THE? I SAID I'LL WEAR IT! I SAID I'LL WEAR IIIIIIT! [grunts]
Chum Chum: Mmm? Oops. Sorry, I was sitting on the remote.
Fanboy: Shall we begin? [double claps]
[Cut to the view of a camera, briefly showing static. Chum Chum adjusts the camera]
Chum Chum: Mmm...mmm...mmm. Bop reconditioning, clinical trial 1.
Fanboy: [knocking on door] Aaaaaaand, cue customer.
[Cheech enters, Boog bops him]
Boog: [gets shocked] WHAT? You saw him! He was beggin' for it!
Chum Chum: Clinical trial 2.
Fanboy: This time with feeling! [knocks on door] Aaaaaaand, action.
Fankylechum: Could you make change for -- [gets bopped] Ah!
Boog: [gets shocked] He started it!
Chum Chum: Clinical trial 729.
Chum Chum: [patting Fanboy's head] Fanboy. Fanboy!
Fanboy: Huh? Oh. [tiredly] Aaaaaaand, action.
Chris Chuggy: Wah, wah, wah. [gets bopped] Wah! Wah, wah!
Boog: [gets shocked in sleep] Zapped me, Ma! Five more minutes! [mumbles]
[Much later, cut to the storage room, acting as the "control room"]
Boog: I-I don't understand. W-what's all this?
Chum Chum: [slams wired colander onto Boog's head] Sensors.
Fanboy: We're going to record the changes inside your body when you feel the urge to bop. And then, feed that information to our supercomputer.
Dollarnator: [sips] What's up? [sips]
Chum Chum: Dollarnator will let us know when your pre-bop levels have spiked, so we can intervine before you bop.
Boog: Well, if it keeps me from gettin' shocked, I'm all for it. I'm down to my last, clean underwear.
Fanboy: Great. Now, say something truthful so we can calibrate the machine.
Boog: If this doesn't work and I lose my job, I'm gonna spend all my new free time bopping you jerks silly!
[yellow lines start flashing on Dollarnator's monitor]
Dollarnator: Subject is telling the truth.
Fanboy: Let's begin.
[Much later, Fanboy and Chum Chum are sitting at a table with four monitors]
Fanboy: Okay, test subject appears ready. Cue customer.
[Kyle appears on one of the monitors]
Kyle: Um...I'm starting to have some grave misgivings about this...
Chum Chum: Come on, Kyle. Do you want our old lunchbox or not?
Kyle: [pause] Oh, it's not fair! You know I can't resist a vintage thermos! [walks up to Boog] Um, hello? Uh, I'll...take that pack of gum, please?
Boog: Which one would you care for? We have so many delicious varieties.
Kyle: Um...that one?
Boog: I'm still not clear. Please step closer and make your selection.
Kyle: But if I come over there, you'll bop me.
Boog: Fear not, good customer. I am a reformed bopper, here to serve you, and your gum-chewing needs.
[Kyle walks closer to the counter]
[Fanboy and Chum Chum give each other a thumbs-up, suddenly, an alarm goes off]
Fanboy/Chum Chum: Huh?
[The lines on Dollarnator's monitor are flashing red]
Dollarnator: Subject's perspiration increasing. Pupils are dilating, core temperature rising. Analysis...BOP IMMINENT! REPEAT, BOP IMMINENT! BOP IMMINENT, BOP IMMINENT!
Fanboy: Ah! We gotta get in there!
Chum Chum: [tries to open door] He's locked the door! He's locked the door!
Fanboy: What? What?
Chum Chum: [grunting]
[Boog is seen on the monitors laughing as he punches the camera, making the monitors go static]
Fanbon/Chum Chum: WAH!
Kyle: [from outside, to Boog] I've been misled! I was told there'd be no bopping! Stop, or I'll turn you into a toad!
[Chum Chum starts to reach for the doorknob, but Kyle's face slams against the door three times]
Fanboy and Chum Chum: AHHHHH! AHHHHH! AHHHHH!
Dollarnator: GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER, MAN!
Fanboy: Zap him, Chum Chum! ZAP HIM!
Chum Chum: [repeatedly pressing the remote] I can't! It needs batteries! And they're out there, in Isle 2!
Kyle: [from outside, under] No! Stop with that! Ahh! [whimpering, grunting]
Fanboy: Be strong, Kyle! Have mercy on our souls.
Dollarnator: GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER, MAN!
[the lights go out, Fanboy and Chum Chum whimper with worry]
[fade up on a police siren, it is sunset. Agent Johnson drags Boog outside and removes his hat. In the background, Fanboy and Chum Chum watch sadly while Kyle walks away, hurt and tired, with one hand on the back of his head]
Agent Johnson: Let's go, Shlizetti.
Boog: Hey! I made some attachments, here! I-I need to say some goodbyes, alright?
Agent Johnson: Oh, vave.
Lenny: Oh, I'm touched, Boog. I've grown fond of you. [Boog pushes him] Oh!
Boog: OUTTA MY WAY! [at the Chimp Chomp machine] Hey, baby. It's me, player 1. I'm gonna be going away for a while. I need you to be strong. [sobs] I told my self I wasn't gonna cry! And then, I did it! [sees something] Wait a minute! Where's your joystick?!
Fanboy: Ohhhh, we...kinda needed it for the remote.
Chum Chum: Yeah. How else were we gonna zap you?
[Boog shakes and growls, then lifts up his fist to bop. Fanboy and Chum Chum cringe together in fear, but instead of getting bopped, Boog pats their heads instead]
Fanboy/Chum Chum: Huh?
Boog: That's okay, boys. Your hearts were in the right place.
Agent Johnson: [drags Boog] Let's get a move on, Shlizetti.
Fanboy: Wait a minute. Boog didn't bop us. Ho, we broke Chimp Chomp, and Boog didn't bop us!
[Agent Johnson starts putting Boog in the car]
Chum Chum: Detective Johnson, look! [shows the remote]
Agent Johnson: That's Sugar's joystick! If I weren't on duty, I'd give you two such a bopping!
Fanboy: So with Boog! But he didn't. He stopped himself!
Chum Chum: Don't you see? He's cured!
[Boog gives Agent Johnson a rather pleading look]
Agent Johnson: [pause] You're right. [to Boog] I don't know how you did it Shlizetti, but you are a bopper no more. [puts Boog's hat back on his head] Welcome back to the Frosty Mart family.
Boog: [sobs] Thank you so mu --
Agent Johnson: Our family doesn't hug.
[Boog walks back to Fanboy and Chum Chum]
Agent Johnson: Gotta go, boys. Stay in school. And remember, say no to bops. [drives away]
Fanboy: Wow, we did it, Chum Chum. Our first step toward a bop-free world.
Boog: Yes, it is. It is. But you know what? No one said anything about a zap-free world! [Boog holds up shocky hands which zap, Fanboy and Chum Chum scream while he laughs]
Fanboy: What is that?
Boog: Uh, just a very fortunate side-effect of that dog collar you zapped me with like a bajillion times!
[he zaps again, Fanboy and Chum Chum scream]
Fanboy: Uh...wait! You can't zap us. What about the security cameras?
[Boog zaps a security camera and chases Fanboy and Chum Chum whilst zapping several times. Fanboy and Chum Chum scream, the episode ends]
"The Great Bicycle Mystery"